I’m both dumb and dumber.
Hopefully my heart doesn’t grow numb.
but i would understand if my heart said it was done.

I started to become what was in my immediate surroundings. I started to confine myself to what the cage around me limited me to be. Angry and bitter…biting my tongue when I’m mad, running away from my sadness. I started to see the 21 miles I grew up in as the full extent of my potential. i started to believe the bars around my heart would mean i would never know true love. I started to believe the Seal that cages my mind from expanding would be all I knew. All The cage shattering experiences I had were all fleeting and ungraspable parts of my memories because everyday life had become mundane. Monotonous. Stripped of light. Stripped of love. Stripped of who i wanted myself to be. I was going to fall victim to things that weren’t my fault. Reality followed me into my sleep every-night. Nightmares meant sleep went from 7 hours to 5 and then from 5 to less than 3. Well thats another cage that will become me.

Everything I wanted to be was outside the cage i knew. My sadness had become me. My short temper was resurfacing. My insecurities had a choke hold on my mental.

So i write.

I write because i remember the Animorph book series. My clipped wings don’t mean i can’t fly. And my blurred vision doesn’t mean i can’t see clearly again. Whether thats through help. Or time. Or new experiences… i write to remind myself that I am what these words expect me to be. I write because I am a caged bird than cannot sing. I write to help myself find my wings. I wanna do right by this life thing.

Call me crazy .
Or call my writing lazy.
But it’s always been you baby. 
You’re what my soul’s craving. 
You haunt my dreams like this was a Wes Craven.
creation. 
And you’re proof of the divinity in God’s makings.
I think I’ve been getting this love thing right lately. 
You’ve always been the right lady. 
My Mind’s racing.
thinking about what it would take to spend forever in your light taking…
in all the nutrients that your life gave me.
hey lovah. Let’s get this love thing tight maybe?

It’s inexplicable the way my heart sings when you smile. And what a feeling it is to know I’m the reason behind it. It’s like I’m a bank robber in the most intense heist movie. The you that you want to be is still locked inside your heart’s vault. And all the layers of hard life lessons you’ve accumulated laid out before me as laser traps or impossible safe combinations or armed guards. And how Am I supposed to crack the code.

I call you CheriMya because you’re the rarest one. I know the weight your safe holds is a generational thing. It’s learned behaviours and environmental shaping. It’s every negative bit of yourself. But each day I patiently work my way through your bank of emotions. Floor by floor clearing out what needs to leave. And I’d work this heist until my fingers no longer worked if it meant for even one second you got to walk your life in light. Knowing what I Know of you. That you’re unmatched, talented, smart and the only source of validation you need.

Jordan Ward said “Patience. These curses on generations… Lets fall back in love and break em. nothings past the conversation … There’s always space for you”

And I hope my heist helps you free what’s locked behind your vault door. The you that you want to be in five years. A flourishing garden. Rather than falling to the cruelties of the world. You forgive yourself and be who you want. Maybe the peace I bring to your life is all you need. And learning to love yourself is the key to living good within that. Idk.

You can never be truly lonely when God’s beside you.
When you let him guide you.

Just work to heal the inner youth that lies within your hidden truths. 
It’s the heavy lifting that you really gotta do. 

it’s the inner mission that will provide you proof. 
That you’re enough.

because enough is something that you’ve never been.
you’ve only ever been the laughing stock or the easiest target. 
Your peace is only as far as you place it.
you gonna look your better ways in their face and take them.

nobody could ever have wanted David. 
And that’s just something i have to be okay with.

The taste of forever was on my lips.
God whispered hold strong, you can bring your union through this. 
I have to do better though, before I damage my human. 
My spirit probably also needs a cleanse.

Tired of the pain and the suspense.

on if things will work out in my favour. 
The keys of my happy only made music if she played them.
I want to experience the love that my soul is craving.
the love that I give but maybe that’s crazy.
maybe love wasn’t made for me. 
So i’ll crawl back into the hole i spent my youth in for safety.
sadly, the dark days are what make me.
i have to be the rescue team that come to saves me.

If I had one wish… it would be to grow old together. Side by Side. Hand in Hand. Your lips pressed to mines. Our retired feet kicking the coral embedded in the Bermuda Pink sand. It would be us having seen the world together… Spain, Cartagena, Malaysia, pasta in Portofino Italy.
It would be us breaking the curses placed upon our shoulders. Me taking your problems and helping you solve them. You taking my damage and nurturing me into who I’m meant to be. Us healing and loving. US getting this right. Because the was something truly right about who we were to each other.
It would be me amplifying your mind, body, spirit. Me pushing you into your success. Me supporting the in the low moments. Me taking part of the work load so your tired feet can rest. Then rubbing those tired feet down and cooking you some SALmon.
My wish would be me being the main reason you smile. Selfish, I know … but can you blame me?
If I had 1 million wishes I’d spend them all on you. If I had one I use it for you. If I had none I would pray daily over you and put my feet to the pavement to solve every single bit of this life shit for you.
I use to think I’d be enough. That my love would be enough but life simply doesn’t work that way. What we be so bad with giving a good go at something that seemed so “perfect”. I wish I could understand.

P.S.
IK Wishes don’t come the way of someone like me. Someone undeserving. And my body and soul is tired man. I’ve been close to giving up on this since my birthday. No one really knows the totality of my low, and no one really listens but the keyboard or the pen. I literally struggle to sleep, and then I struggle to get through my day. Then I come home and sit in my ‘miserable’. But I have to go on I assume.

David I’m sorry for allowing you to get to this level of loneliness and hurt. I should’ve heeded the signs long ago that you were drowning. And all you needed was a little bit of light…. A little bit of reassurance that things would be okay in the period…. But i let you fall and fall and fall. And i told you if you got a tiny bit of what you wanted it would help to make sense of all the pain you were feeling. I had this idea that a bandaid over the wound would still be a step to helping it heal. So next time… because this wound is so deep and empty… i will fill it with self love and appreciation. And i will stitch it closed at the top. Okay if no one else loves or appreciates you so what? There’s a lot of ways I done you wrong. Thats for me and you alone. Thats our journey to walk and our broken heart to heal.

I fucking failed you 2000 times over. All because I wanted to make something work with something that didn’t want to work with me. You treated yourself so terrible because the one person that was supposed to hold you down treated you terrible. You assumed that was the standard you had to live in. But that was stupid. You should have never settled to take on so much and carry it alone. Other people will move on and be happy and you’ll still be here drained because they dumped their luggage in your car and left you with flat tires. I made you give too much to people that gave too little. People that took just how special and rare you are for granted. Took your passion and love for granted. To your presence for granted. I let you refuse to be loved correctly and give 300% of yourself in return.

Well now it’s all on you to fix yourself up. Doesn’t matter what happened. Time to follow your own advice. You were always going to be alone. You’ve known it for a long long time now. And I am sorry for allowing you to fall back into self loathing ways. Why would someone respect you when you showed them they could get away with not doing it! You gave when people didn’t deserve of course they are going to use that. Who wouldn’t… oh well. It’s been clear since Feb 13 just how little you meant. And you still gave despite feeling so irrelevant. You spoiled when it was your turn to receive even the TINIEST bit of effort in return. You started to believe you were worth nothing because you receive nothing. I’m sorry man. Don’t hate me for too much longer.

This next part is going to be much darker before the lighter days come. Lessons learned. I’ll pray for you. I’ll pray for your heart.

What do we have to lose by betting on us? By actually taking a stab at true happiness. By believing that i’m right for you. And believing that you’re right for me?

And diving into each other…

Why live a life full of regrets for getting a shot at true love wrong? What’s the point of reading the lyrics to your favorite song if you don’t plan to sing along?

What if the biggest lesson was taught so that we came back stronger? Unbreakable…

What if all this misplaced hurt could only be solved by holding each other accountable to accomplish something attainable?

What if I was your favourite dude?

What If i was the author of your life’s greatest love song. One where the lyrics are already written within the atoms of your bones.

2 souls but yet one soul if you really understand unity. What if life’s biggest prize was to really buy into you and me. ..

What If i was the answer to all your prayers, like i always claimed you were to mines.?

What if I was actually the love and blessing of your entire lifetime….

Heavy hearted. 
When the pen meets the pad i feel the shift in my deck of cards.
i feel myself threading the needle to keep my mind from falling apart.
It’s just me, myself and God.
happiness jogging off if the distance getting further.
i,m falling behind and tumbln hard.
why did i ever believe i deserved her love.
young, dumb and naive, to think i could be somebody’s gardens blossoms. 
I hit the deepest of my rocky bottoms.
no escape this time. 
No relying on a smile or a voice to ease this troubled mind.
and i dont mind sacrificing a piece of my happy 
for a moment of peace is all im asking. 
Hello God will you answer? 
Or anybody tbh for that matter…. 
I knew i was the problem, i knew i was never enough and would never matter.