Take me to the place where your'e happy with me.
I struggle daily to see the purpose of the skin I'm in.
The devil on my shoulder is winnin.
Wanted to been seen but wasn't man enough to fit your vision.
This is soul splitting, my soul's bared, my faiths deplenished.
How could I believe in love when it rarely visits me.
These lonely nights keep me company 
The shoe fit, I deserve all the damage that was done to me.
The repaid balance I was owed.
I'm not a mind reader, 
But I'm the lesser option I've always known it.
The journey showed it.

Better intentions.
I'd do the dirty work of loving you without mentioning.
Sun blinding, the rear view is unforgiving.
Stuck in what should be behind me. 
The first step is the heaviest, the second is what truly defines me. 
Just keep in mind a life where I could be the one that satisfies yuh. 
I can't compete with the better life you started living.
The things I can't touch with my lack of experiences.

The pen exposes the deepest secrets my brain kept hidden.
The pain I was too scared to feel, I ran from & had never written. 
This state of composure took too many nights feeling defeated.
Too many answered calls when I was needed, but nobody was ever in reach. 
Lessons in impermanence only the reaper could teach.
Packed up the cleats, then had to find ways to mend all the anger I steeped in. 
My only outlet became to close to a religion. 
It built and crushed this precious soul I was given. 
I sold the rights to my spirit.
Too many nights I seen the sunrise.
My vice became a chokehold. 
Too many fights I don't show.
Trying to capture the light I don't know.

I punish myself too often.
I was caught in the deception of relief the devil offered me.
Searching for what was lost. 
All the prayers I tossed aimlessly. 

My battle scarred heart and soul were the cost.
I turn within for support.
But hold that within isn't good enough. 

Decomposing Peace.
I let myself down the most. 
At least, the lease the darkness holds on me is ceasing.
Gave until this inner creek ran dry.
The hurt is the source I cant lie.

My spirit was torn, trying to find the healing's cost I can't buy.
Whats the reward?
For hoarding failures , if at least I did try?
Whats all of this for?

If God's gonna hold me true to the things that nibble at my mind. 
The missteps I tumbled for. 
I miss steps & crumble for that drop in my gut I can't ignore.
I closed doors.  
& God still made a way. 
Pushing memories away, 
to a space they can't escape. 
But then revisit them on my dark days. 
Unsure of where to place the pain and anger that I hold. 
Or why this chapter of my life is retelling stories I already unfolded.

Asking God to direct this gift. 
Sin costs, the bill's long... the devil's debt colllectors have been sent for me.
Can't afford to step into a new year, cycling the same destructive tendencies.
Tenderly giving into connection. 
Iniquity underlying the sadness in my reflection. 
Reflecting on the darker places this journey's taken me. 
And replacing them with grasping hold of what's on the plate for me. 
I misplaced my happiness, 
Then mispoke the pain I hold venomously. 
Wish I could track down my heart's vendor 
And get a refund on these faulty goods.

Helping your soul's mission is my sole mission.
You looked through me and told me my soul' missin.
Sold a perception of a happy living.
My mama's hands clasped, praying peace over the scraps I'as given. 
Couldnt play the victim, if these hands can fix it.

Uncharted domain.
Tapping into the happy in me.
The well's emptier than I remember.  
The result is I'm alone in what makes it no easier.
I hold you close but still feel defeated. 
Love took its taxing toll on my mental.
Truly lacking any connection to vent to.
The secrets only known to this notes app or pencil. 
The pressure of two hearts that are meant to be. 
Tired legs from the rocky road ahead of me.
Don't you know I breathe you. 
Ths world collapsed into the passion I found here. 
The demons creep in the darkness I can't expunge. 
I knos the cost cause I paid it all these 31 sum trips around the sun..

 

I know the cost cause I paid it all these 31 trips around the sun....

I hide the monster that I am behind these blistered hands.
I'm burdened in the heavy of this uncatered to broken heart.
The smile I wear a facade, I know karma taxed me.
Navigating the awkwardness of the space between being two worlds apart.

Time heals all, but the debts too grand.
Imagine a temporal bank statement this long. 
The reaper laughed at the cards in my hands.
So I started searching within.
but the peaceful waves hold uncurrents of anger.
Nonchalant through spiritual danger but resolute in the lesson learned.
I hold the pain close to dispose these words.
And the words get held tighter because they're all I have.
My happy comes in patches through the looking glass. 

Buyer beware this is damaged goods.
Simmering in supressed pain. 
This level of unbothered is just a thinning thread, coin flip from explosive. 
Nobody notices the empty, 
Everybody's shocked when you clap back.
"I didn't know" the quiet, timid one had that much depth of retaliation in him. 
I couldn't be seen until the last call. 
I'm the one that you laugh at, then call on when shit hits the ceiling, windows and the walls. 
Then you forget about me when convenience means reciprocity. 
I'm not enough, it's easy to push my decomposing mental to the side and flee. 
Fall back into what hurts you and then repeat the cycle. 
And drag me along, for the light I provide. 
Then snuff mine like survivor tribe. 
This is my redemption island arc.
The pen the suture, my confidence the scar.

Resenting what pain made me.
I let myself down, that's a hole too whole to plug.
Residing within the shattered bonds of a lost first and last love.
I sat in the hurt's wake, naive to think that this weak heart would hold me. 
This muscle's empty chambers, full of secrets I can't keep. 
But yet I have to. 
The pad reflects you. 
The Heaven God stripped from me, for dancing with iniquity.
The "I tried to warn you" lessons.
The ink bleeds like blood from my wounded soul.
Lost hold of the dreams I wouldnt never know. 
Felt the pain of the severed ties. 
Too tethered unwisely. 
Recovery from the fall is suprisingly hard, 
relying solely on time passed.
And the light of better friends that I outlasted. 
All of which shaped me into a master of self hate and manipulating the ones around me. 

And pondering my worthy.

All whilst the light in me quit.

So tell me a sin I didn't commit.
Watching my spirit tumbling off the limestone cliff face.
The demons yell whaddup twin, wading in Black Bay's surf wake.
I'm steeping inside of the mess that we made.
All the habits we never could quit.
Apricity breaking the trance that i'm in.
Loosened winter's stricr grip 

Left by pains indelible print. 
My spirit's shaking within
I'm growing through all the defeat, sitting silent in windows (win though)