Dream Big

Hey bro.

I refuse to see you be miserable and bothered and empty because you fell further into self-destruction than you could dig yourself out of. Because running away became the only way. Because you neglected the real progress you were making. And went back on all the pain you felt. You know what you deserve.

There’s a huge disservice in choosing what’s clearly worst. What you don’t even truly want. What you know serves you no purpose. Why..

Why hold on? Because you think if it’s good it excuses all the damaged cost? and you can look past how betraying you are being to yourself because at least it seems okay.

Hold on because you’re scared? and scarred? and forget your worth from time to time?

Well I refuse to watch that any longer. You meant what was said. You know what’s really best for you. Stop running away. DO better.

now i’m no therapist…

but the way through trauma isn’t to drive through it. to run away from the pain of healing. to continue to entertain what traumatizes you. because taking the exit to your healing is scary, and it takes bravery and it takes hard sleepless nights. and looking back to the root causes. and accepting it’s not your fault, even if it happened to you. understand you were strong enough to stay alive during it and now you’re strong enough to move past it. to leave the freeway of self sabotage and destruction. and to continue to be brave. and to acknowledge and accept.

to sit still at the red light. and look forward. and plot what comes after you get off at the exit. and be grateful for the correct things. and acknowledge yourself. then you proceed through the yellow light. the relapses. the pain. the self doubt. the pity. the failures. to take the correct, brave steps. the harder steps. to understand it’s okay to love again. and trust again. and that your best interest is never back on that damn highway that was bringing so much damage. and keeping you stuck. and keeping you away from all the good things and new sights the exit would bring.

so take that turn. enter the exit. and this time refuse to turn back. because that path.. the blinders that come with it… speeding away from yourself. you will lose all the better parts of you. to someone else’s misery. to other’s judgement. to other’s toxicity. to others self hatred.

and it will become harder to see the beauties the world has to offer you when you take that exit.

don’t be afraid to ask for help. don’t be afraid to be honest with yourself. and to make today.. this very moment the moment you stand for yourself. and find the beauty in you.. .because you’re worth it.

p.s. if you read this and need me hmu. i’ll read whatever.

Today i’m going to write on the things I am grateful for, I encourage anyone that reads to spend 10 minutes doing the same.

First, to God, for supporting me. for loving me. for giving me strength when I thought i’d have none left. for providing ways for me. for lifting me from the darkest spaces. And for hearing my heart.

I grateful for music. Music saves me.

I grateful for this platform, and my journal, and the notes app on my phone. Anywhere I can write is probably one of the spaces I share the most gratitude for.

I’m grateful for my truest friendship in KyAsia. and the heart she has.

i’m grateful to my brother for housing me this summer. and for scaffolding for giving me work.

I’m grateful for vanilla essential oil. and peppermint. and dr bronner’s soaps.

Most of all I’m thankful for her. I had found everything in her. Every good thing. Every thing worth fighting for. Real love. Patience. Guidance, Safety to be me. A pair of arms to hold me, two listening ears. I found my person. The one that keeps me driven. And forgives my lapses. The light of my light. My sun and my moon. Every prayer I’ve asked is provided through her. She was the biggest proof that God heard me. That God answers. I’m even thankful for the challenges and the growth. I’m grateful to have developed a love this strong. That i refused to give up on. Because she is the very air i breathed. And she loved me.

I’m grateful for her above all else.

SO what are you grateful for? comment… or just write it… do it.. now … focus on gratitude for the next 10 minutes. and sit in that appreciation. and reconnect with the beauty in the things that bring you peace.

Writing to find the peace that i need.
to tap into the pieces of me that go unheard and unseen. 
the pieces crying out to be loved and protected.
the abby night sky cries for my damage.

It started by mistake that’s the lore. Then it blossomed into something core altering. Life shaping. Atom shaking. An amazing grace. Even pure enough to make the love birds stop to listen to its song and its pace.

And pace matters. Slowing down can help reconnect the feeling to what we know is better. What’s right. What’s true. Slowing her Moon is realigning itself back into my Earth. and my tides pull back to her graces. Dancing to the melody of her speech. Warming from the glow of her light. Light that cuts through all of the darkest of times and emptiest of night skies.

But pace makes it hard sometimes. The brave steps… the one’s that you know and good and true escape you. Standing on the right side of yourself gets challenging. Tongue sharpens tongue until verbal interactions becoming draining. But not all drainage is bad. I eventually found some solace in the fourstar sinks. And the lessons in patience they taught. And the perseverance that it require me to have. Drainage started me onto better. I listened closer. I heard more. The love became sweeter and the pull became more intrinsic than it had ever been. My atoms started to vibrate to her frequency again. Dancing with happiness, as everything filled with life when we grew closer again.

I refuse to believe my atoms got it wrong this time. That they misheard God’s intervention. What they were being pulled into this time was something real. Something worth fighting for. And living for, and dying for. Something worth healing for. My atoms felt peaceful. They knew this time was special. That this time was this time was what leads to everlasting. To the Hollywood bulldooki. They believed again.

I fail her. And compromise her peace at times. But all I can do is forgive myself and work to listen more, and love better. My gut tells me the bravest steps are the hardest ones. And running away from the trauma won’t actually make it easier. Its a Bandaid to what hard work stitches. To what sitting through the pain and working to overcome it teaches. And you know what you deserve is at your fingertips. You see forever in her eyes again. She deserves to be chosen to. And for the love to continue to be unconditional. She’s worth everything. Even what she views as her most damaged parts are still worth their weight in gold. She’s perfection to you. You smile as you write this just imagining what this could be like for you again.

Safe. Challenging yes, but safe.

Good.

Truly.

Spiritual.

And you remember the drain that came is for what needed to be released. For your bit of healing too. Now it’s back to work for her. And picking her up. Cause you’re also a heaven send. And you also make this shit worth it. And you also are good. Your atoms know it this time. So refuse to let the worse parts win this time. Be better. DO better. Pray. listen. Heal. play music. reconnect. and accept that relapses and mistakes happen. That you can’t always do right by yourself. or by her. but it’s not too late to fix it. It doesn’t take away from the effort to move towards better.

But start today. In this piece of writing. In your next breath. To step more into the light. Back into what’s right. And pour that back into her until her atoms merge with yours in unison. No more disservices.

Don't Let the Demons win.
Don't let the damage take you further from the light.
Don't forget the destruction and pain that unwound your soul's strings.
Don't forget all the venomous words and their stings.
All the lies, all the times shit was embarrassing. 
The fake in this, and what you want is no true comparison.
Don't give up on the right path, just because it's easier to head to the devil's whispers.
Acting like that is easier is like compeed to blisters. 
The scar tissue steal needs healing underneath.
You just forgive the trauma and betray all the desires you really seek.
And all the healing you really need. 
And the truest connections when they're truly deep.
And your insecurities make you believe there's no other way.
That the rough path to better is impossible, that's what the demon say.
But don't go back on what your soul needs. 
What makes your heart beat.
The angels that build your angel and give you everything. 
The truest light that makes your heart sing.
Everything. 
the light, but in all ways. 
I pray that God forgives the lapses, always.
 

Fuck it, I grip the ledge again. 
I refuse to let the darkness of the pit take me whole. 
I lost sight of myself and I slipped. 
But caught wind of myself when i started to fall. 

Do better 

The four walls of my room tired of my tears too .
My pillow’s wetter. 
Than any period before in my life, 
my demons rolling the dice on who gets him. 

I remember 2017,
the first real love I had seen, 
and true happy for me, 
had once happened. 

I know that it’s something that’s attainable again, 
if i take pages and pens
and go get it. 

The hurt and the pain has grown heavy. 

Weighing my deep in my chest, 
i feel shortness of breath, 
suffocation is next, 
but i never....

Would choose to purposefully fall, 
i stand taller than tall, 
take my heart off the wall 
and start shredding. 


Everything that no longer serves me. 
Every insecurity that feeds negativity. 
Every self doubt that sews destruction. 
I plan to better my tendencies. 
And grow from them. 

So go get it. 

Embarrassed and broken .

Dumb they way i left myself wide open.

Cant blame the demons for infiltrating.

Someone hear my deepest wishes

Heaviness and suffocation.

I just need a vacation from the pain i feel.

I’ve lost my will.

Hey Siri. Play “For Broken Ears”.