Dream Big

The taste of forever was on my lips.
God whispered hold strong, you can bring your union through this. 
I have to do better though, before I damage my human. 
My spirit probably also needs a cleanse.

Tired of the pain and the suspense.

on if things will work out in my favour. 
The keys of my happy only made music if she played them.
I want to experience the love that my soul is craving.
the love that I give but maybe that’s crazy.
maybe love wasn’t made for me. 
So i’ll crawl back into the hole i spent my youth in for safety.
sadly, the dark days are what make me.
i have to be the rescue team that come to saves me.

If I had one wish… it would be to grow old together. Side by Side. Hand in Hand. Your lips pressed to mines. Our retired feet kicking the coral embedded in the Bermuda Pink sand. It would be us having seen the world together… Spain, Cartagena, Malaysia, pasta in Portofino Italy.
It would be us breaking the curses placed upon our shoulders. Me taking your problems and helping you solve them. You taking my damage and nurturing me into who I’m meant to be. Us healing and loving. US getting this right. Because the was something truly right about who we were to each other.
It would be me amplifying your mind, body, spirit. Me pushing you into your success. Me supporting the in the low moments. Me taking part of the work load so your tired feet can rest. Then rubbing those tired feet down and cooking you some SALmon.
My wish would be me being the main reason you smile. Selfish, I know … but can you blame me?
If I had 1 million wishes I’d spend them all on you. If I had one I use it for you. If I had none I would pray daily over you and put my feet to the pavement to solve every single bit of this life shit for you.
I use to think I’d be enough. That my love would be enough but life simply doesn’t work that way. What we be so bad with giving a good go at something that seemed so “perfect”. I wish I could understand.

P.S.
IK Wishes don’t come the way of someone like me. Someone undeserving. And my body and soul is tired man. I’ve been close to giving up on this since my birthday. No one really knows the totality of my low, and no one really listens but the keyboard or the pen. I literally struggle to sleep, and then I struggle to get through my day. Then I come home and sit in my ‘miserable’. But I have to go on I assume.

David I’m sorry for allowing you to get to this level of loneliness and hurt. I should’ve heeded the signs long ago that you were drowning. And all you needed was a little bit of light…. A little bit of reassurance that things would be okay in the period…. But i let you fall and fall and fall. And i told you if you got a tiny bit of what you wanted it would help to make sense of all the pain you were feeling. I had this idea that a bandaid over the wound would still be a step to helping it heal. So next time… because this wound is so deep and empty… i will fill it with self love and appreciation. And i will stitch it closed at the top. Okay if no one else loves or appreciates you so what? There’s a lot of ways I done you wrong. Thats for me and you alone. Thats our journey to walk and our broken heart to heal.

I fucking failed you 2000 times over. All because I wanted to make something work with something that didn’t want to work with me. You treated yourself so terrible because the one person that was supposed to hold you down treated you terrible. You assumed that was the standard you had to live in. But that was stupid. You should have never settled to take on so much and carry it alone. Other people will move on and be happy and you’ll still be here drained because they dumped their luggage in your car and left you with flat tires. I made you give too much to people that gave too little. People that took just how special and rare you are for granted. Took your passion and love for granted. To your presence for granted. I let you refuse to be loved correctly and give 300% of yourself in return.

Well now it’s all on you to fix yourself up. Doesn’t matter what happened. Time to follow your own advice. You were always going to be alone. You’ve known it for a long long time now. And I am sorry for allowing you to fall back into self loathing ways. Why would someone respect you when you showed them they could get away with not doing it! You gave when people didn’t deserve of course they are going to use that. Who wouldn’t… oh well. It’s been clear since Feb 13 just how little you meant. And you still gave despite feeling so irrelevant. You spoiled when it was your turn to receive even the TINIEST bit of effort in return. You started to believe you were worth nothing because you receive nothing. I’m sorry man. Don’t hate me for too much longer.

This next part is going to be much darker before the lighter days come. Lessons learned. I’ll pray for you. I’ll pray for your heart.

What do we have to lose by betting on us? By actually taking a stab at true happiness. By believing that i’m right for you. And believing that you’re right for me?

And diving into each other…

Why live a life full of regrets for getting a shot at true love wrong? What’s the point of reading the lyrics to your favorite song if you don’t plan to sing along?

What if the biggest lesson was taught so that we came back stronger? Unbreakable…

What if all this misplaced hurt could only be solved by holding each other accountable to accomplish something attainable?

What if I was your favourite dude?

What If i was the author of your life’s greatest love song. One where the lyrics are already written within the atoms of your bones.

2 souls but yet one soul if you really understand unity. What if life’s biggest prize was to really buy into you and me. ..

What If i was the answer to all your prayers, like i always claimed you were to mines.?

What if I was actually the love and blessing of your entire lifetime….

Heavy hearted. 
When the pen meets the pad i feel the shift in my deck of cards.
i feel myself threading the needle to keep my mind from falling apart.
It’s just me, myself and God.
happiness jogging off if the distance getting further.
i,m falling behind and tumbln hard.
why did i ever believe i deserved her love.
young, dumb and naive, to think i could be somebody’s gardens blossoms. 
I hit the deepest of my rocky bottoms.
no escape this time. 
No relying on a smile or a voice to ease this troubled mind.
and i dont mind sacrificing a piece of my happy 
for a moment of peace is all im asking. 
Hello God will you answer? 
Or anybody tbh for that matter…. 
I knew i was the problem, i knew i was never enough and would never matter.

I lose again.

I know I may not have been enough. David. Me. Obviously. the human i am. And that’s fine.

But i hope my efforts and energy were enough to show people the way past what we’re stuck in.

I’m just not the right person for peoples. But i hope the way i support … saved lives. Bye bye

Comparison is all i know.

From what i see of myself in the world i must be the lowest of the low.

And i mean loving someone like me is unimaginable.

So why did i ever believe different.

I let my self belief go missing.

Time to follow my own advice.

And take myself out the picture.

You’re my second wind. 
A breath of fresh Himalayan air.
A second chance, 
but a first moment for a new thing to begin…

Between us, 
you are the pu-erh tea i sip
as i pour a clean love 
into your mug to clean up 
all the hurt that we seem stuck
in.

i’m the sip of water that can ease up this..
troubled journey 
God and I stand up for your protection. 
I send my prayers up in your stead.
i drag myself to work so you can enjoy these small wins.
consider making me your man again. 
Im worth the investment 
with me would be a life well spent in this.

I want to be wanted.