My mind’s drifting through the night sky

I lose it Flickering through parts of me i try to hide

The parts i’ve hated since back in 95

Back When i was rocking pacifiers

So if you dare to try and look inside

Be cautious of the warning sign

I doubt you’d like what you would Find

A bruised soul

And if my end is coming near

I hope that you know

Its not the timing that i fear

Maybe the why maybe the where

My mind is grinding through the gears

And when my past creeps up on me

Im dipping through the cracks

Before the reaper’s calling

Cause time isn’t ours

but go head and keep on dawning

On things that dont make sense

On the things that without, you couldn’t have been a better man

No regrets but i really do apologize

To anyone i hurt on my path to being a better guy

Trying to strategize

Cause Growth its like a learning curve

Glimpses of my hope

beaming through the winter clouds

Like rays through the stormiest sky

At odds with the universe

Hoping she’d take it easy on me

Struggling to follow societies’ wishes

Vicariously living

Through the social media pictures

My hearts heavy

At tug of war with my mind

If my soul crumbled

Could you mend it back in time

Would you come to get to know me in my darkest of moments

When my truest spirit is showing

When anger is flowing

And im too busy tearing myself down

To live in the moment

Just let me know

If your soul can share the burden

Cause we’re all hurting

Together we could make it easier

I just hope im there when you need it huh

No one knows my demons

The pad listens

My past is winning

In Determining who i’m gonna be

Would sell my soul if i could even get a glimpse of you and me

But i left my soul on the last track like a pair of old nike sneaks

Need something to believe in

Pray to God to be forgiving when i meet him

And if its religion that im needin

I might die a lost soul

Wondering where my path leads

And if there’s anything i know

Trying to catch my ambition before it slips

Watch it drip through my grip

But for every step i take forward

It feels like 5 steps back

Stuck in my ways

Collapsed into bed

Lately ive been going through it

Like glimpses of my past mistakes running through my head

Hoping as dark as this was is as dark as it gets

But at least now im better equipped

To having my happiness stripped

Have yet to give up or give in

Just stay in it

The fewture…

You ever have those glimpses of yourself being everything you ever wanted to be?

I’m just here to remind you that the person you want to be isn’t unattainable

That we have so much potential

That if no one else believes in you, i do.

If you need me , Remember i’m here.

Let everyday be a clean slate to erase the mistakes of the previous you

The only way you can navigate through the chaos of life is to keep moving.

Let the moment seize you .

Don’t focus too much on the past, present, or the future

Find the balance of the three

Don’t let the past bye the determining factor of who you are.

You are more than what you’ve been through . Let those moments mould you and inspire change for yourself.

Remember that the present will soon be the past and that nothing stays the same .

And that life’s truest trick is that we can never figure it out at all.

Remember that the future truly doesn’t exist because it will always become the present at some point.

So sure plan ahead ,

Set goals

Think

But don’t forget that the present is always the best time to water those dreams

Be courageous

Be compassionate

Be altruistic

Be Ky tbh she’s a star

So yeah.

 

I think for the first time in a long time I’ve been content with where I am.

No where near happiness, but I’m okay with just going through my everyday motions.

But i’m also in the midst of overcoming what I’ve been struggling with the most. Trying to figure out where I fit.

What could possibly be the best path for David A. Simmons to follow? What impact am I supposed to make in the blimp of time I exist on the planet?

 

So working towards that I’ve been hashing out everything I’ve been feeling.

So I think I have a pretty good idea of where I fall short. Actually, it’s the only thing I’m sure off. It’s the only the I can remind myself of and all that plays through my mind.

I received a message recently which kinda solidified everything I knew I lacked in and reiterated how far I am from who i hope to be and how much have left to grow.

I also often think back to certain defining moments where these negatives have been highlighted, or I’ve been shut down for being me.

So this last summer I was doing a ‘beach cleanup’ and one of the organizers said to me “David whatever you’ve been drinking I need some of that” because I was ‘too smiley while participating in a beach clenaup’. Now for those of you that don’t know me I don’t drink. And tbh, most people I interact with on a regular basis would tell you I normally look very nonchalant and very rarely smile. (My parents often joke on that and i highly doubt they know the negative impact it has on my self esteem). One of my coworkers has taken the task of trying to make me laugh at work as Im often addressed as ‘ never happy’. Which I never am. Like i said. Im content .

I am normally good though and nonchalant is just my everyday face.

Whilst at a pool party, I had the parent of an associate, address me as ‘being on drugs’, because I was just being my goofy ole self. Something they just might not be use to.

Or Maybe what I consider ‘myself’ just makes people uncomfortable. This also struck a blow to my confidence.

Last one i promise.. I was told I don’t grasp the concept of being something I truly thought I shined at.

“You’re not that great of a pm you just, i guess, don’t understand the concept” ~Raleigh Bermuda venturer. Cut deep… Especially, As I thought this was something i was good at. And if that’s the most common view of me as a pm or not idk. But i do now question if that the right space for me to continue to give my time to if I don’t necesarrily shine at it.

Now I could go on , example after example, but I must stop. As even though this is my blog i know this is selfishly longwinded.

Im desperate…

Desperate to fit in.

Desperate to find what I’m supposed to do.

Desperate to learn.

To learn what I can say. When I can say it and to whom i can say it.

To learn Which version of myself I can be in certain situations.

Or which groups view me as what..

To learn if its best for me to fit into whichever role I need to play at a particular time or be if i should always be unapologetically me and take the criticism that comes from that.

Everytime I’m put into a new situation it feels like a lifetime. I’m so uncomfortable because i don’t know how to address it.

Do i have valuable conversation to add?

Am i too aggressive?

Are my views shamefully weird?

Is this talking too much?

Am i Talking too little?

All things i’m very conscious of in the moment but also just choose

Whichever lane and stick to it.

I long for a connection that isn’t you. (my physical journal, and my blog)

A judgement free connection .

I know where i fall short…

I’ve been struggling with a lot more than this lately but yeah.

So i hope i can one day find something i can call a ‘purpose’. Or can find where i fit. And can identify my strengths.

Oh and yeah. Case Study01, an album by Daniel Caesar. This shit hits. It really helped me realize the lack of balance my life has. How quick I am to try to hide or throw away my flaws. And how lost I am in trying to find my strengths , instead walking in them as a beautiful dichotomy that is molding me into being the David I want to be.

I know I’m falling short.

Daily.

And probably disappoint everyone around me.

But i love everyone regardless.

Maybe 2020 will be a year of understanding for me.

.

Good day, 
Probably David “Dutty Dispos” A. Simmons here, 

Just gonna share some words on my thoughts on ‘expectations of your 20’s’. 

First of all, I don’t know who said you’re 20’s are going to be the best days of your life because they straight up lied. THESE ARE THE MOST SPECTACULAR DAYS OF YOUR LIFE. AN ENDLESS SPIRAL OF FIGURING OUT WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT. 

Ok, enough yelling. 

Is this your prime? Possible. 

Life in your 20’s is endless, and somewhat depressing at times – but that comes with the territory. 

I’d like to tackle the notion that this is the timeeverything should be falling into place. What place necessarily? Where are we going? What is actually going on? Why does it feel like everything is spiralling out of control?
Oh, ohhh that’s because it is. 

Before I was a 20 something, I thought I’d be more social and go to lots of party and drink lots of wine. I wanted to be married and have kids by 28. I thought I would even look different. To be honest, I just imagined my older self in suits, looking professional and shizz. I didn’t think I would be the remarkable man that I am today. I didn’t even fathom me climbing mountains, sweating my life away in Nepal, Tanzania and Malaysia. I was unaware of the fact of all the life lessons I would gain from people from all corners of the world, passing down knowledge, wisdom, food and love in the simplest of interactions. I didn’t think I would be this lucky. 

Yet, here I am. 

I thought this ‘time’ would be an incredible adventure of self-discovery. And, it is. I have grown to love parts of me that I never knew I possessed, and decided to work on parts of me that I felt needed ‘fixing’. Sometimes, life wants to swing on you and you gotta feel that blow. It’ll humble you, and hopefully teach you a valuable lesson. If not, Life will come for your throat. 

Simply put, it’s about learning. 

Your 20’s are about figuring out why things tick, why you tock and why it costs so much for a loaf of bread. It’s not gonna be smooth sailing, if sailing at all. It may be you walking, with one shoe on while your old classmate passes you in a BMW. That’s how the pussy crumbles sometimes. 

Eat up, or be eaten.

What’s meant to be will be. 

So Be. 

Kali Uchas once said “Nothing good ever comes easy.” (and she ain’t never been wrong)

That’s it for now, 
Hope this helped, my guy. 

Special shoutouts to My mum, Keishas, Dominic, Sades, Jawonders, Davids, Phillips, Che, the one girl I met at the gas station, Ky Spy, water, guac, rice bc I love it so much – and last but not least YOU. 

Thanks for reading, 
Breathe easy. 

LOVE

A Reminder:
~ Learn to live in the moment. Far too many times I find myself wishing I’d been more observant to what I just experienced.

But yeah…
This is a love letter to myself, to nature, to those around me, and to moments.

I want to take a moment to express gratitude. To a balancing force. The force that in one way or another drives us to the extremes of Human nature.
LOVE…

To start, I want to send a positive burst of energy to those that give without asking. But more specifically, anyone who has shared that energy towards me.

People who, even when they have down to bare necessities, give graciously. You’re the people who’ve inspired me. You’ve taught me a new perspective to openness. Helped me lose a bit of the selfishness I’m sure I had at some point. TO BE ME.
You restore hope, make experiences, and have managed to transcend cultural and language barriers. You are, in your purest form, a reflection of love.

I now know not to limit my interactions with others. Be ambitious and take opportunities to make new connections. Because you never truly know how much an interaction can enrich you, or what new adventures await through a spontaneous friendship. The lessons you can be taught. The growth and happiness you can find and be blessed with.
Give a smile to a stranger.
Just give…
Now of course don’t be a pushover and guard yourself of who you give to (trust your intuition and learn through life) but share your worth with others.
Life is strange.

To nature.
Now I’m sure I’ve said this before but there’s something absolutely freeing about your presence in my life. Now I will keep yours shorter but boy have you given me something to look forward to every once in a while.
It’s just so necessary to escape into you.
To cleanse from society and restore myself.
Most times I feel like I should live within you, and my escapes should be to civilization.
But Maybe I’m crazy.

To the moments that have been breezing past.
Sometimes it’s hard not to want to hold on to you. And occasionally, I get lost trying to draw on pieces of you, to get you back. I Even forget you’re there. But isn’t that all the beauty of you. You’re always presence. There’s never a second, I don’t live in you. And every breath is a chance to grow and make the most of you. Thanks for being omnipresent, and oh so forgiving.
Each day a clean sheet to be everything I want to be.

To David A. Simmons…
YOU’RE FRIGGIN AMAZING
(still working on this last point)

Quick shout outs to Keisha, Kytsia, Burgers, My mom, Sadies
Love all of you

 

Do not. I repeat DO NOT …

dwell on those things which you can’t control.

Focus on what you can control, and that the way you react to things. Try to remove yourself form the emotions of the moment to moment interactions and approach all situations with the same level of strength and kindness you have in your happiest moments.

And just because something may seem horrible now. Doesn’t mean it equates to ‘bad’. Even if the only thing you can take from it is a learning experience, you may never know the way it will unfold. What may seem bad now could be good for you in the fewture*.

Also, life is too damn strange. Don’t waste your time trying to understand all of this.

Be true to you and Keep pushing

 

Dave to Dave