How I wish I could be a kid again.

At that age when everything amazes you. Where everything is worth a try and the dreams are bigger.

I was i could meet my younger self and see all the things that truly peaked his wildest interest. What sparked his imagination.

Just a glimpse.

I don’t know where my path is leading. I don’t know where my talents lay. Or even what I truly want to do with my life. I just want to do right by those i meet. Can’t stress that enough.

Someone once called me a “Jack of all trades and master of none”. That was cool 5-8 years ago.

Now, and it may be too late for this, I want to be a master of a few things. So i can make the most of this.

“The bittersweetness of times I wish to capture” ~Earl

As human beings are considered as the most intellectual being on this planet yet we are trying really hard to make this world possibly not easy place…

Today’s Development

I’m in love.

I don’t know how to describe this feeling except terrifying.

But here’s to a queen.

I know it hasn’t been easy loving me…

I fall short. I’ve fell countless times. And dragged you along while i was at the bottom. I didn’t understand how to navigate the intensity of being loved as much as i feel you loved me. I couldn’t even actually comprehend why someone would love me so much. And definitely couldn’t see why they’d stick around once they got to know me.

I never even wanted to stick around for myself.

But i decided I’d love you hard. Give you all you could ever want from a partner. Teach you love the parts of you that might’ve not been your favorites. Tried to make you feel as beautiful as i saw you (which i guess is hard cause i truly think you’re the most beautiful human to grace this earth.

I’m inspired by you.

The way you persevere.

Through school. Work. Life. Me.

You always come back strong and determined and nothing can stop you.

I want to dedicate a blog to you.

I’ve been writing alot of what makes me sad

So why not address a part of me that made/makes me happier than i’ve ever been. And share that with this space.

I hope you know that you’re my biggest inspiration in life. and other than wanting to do and be successful for myself. You’re the main driving force behind my desire to constantly better myself.

You have the most outrageously beautiful smile.

You’re smart and goofy and caring and strong.

Everything i’d hope my love interest would be.

And you possess all the qualities i’d hope my future children would see in their mother.

You’d become a huge part of me.

And idk how to describe in words the true capacity of love i have for you.

But i will say this.

You could take the time to Count all the stars In all the night skies across the galaxy. And you still would find my love wouldn’t have diminished one bit. You’d actually find with each star you counted my love grew deeper.

What i feel for you has been deeper than what love means to me.

Its a quantum connection.

Like our atoms vibrate at the same frequency.

And our souls have been intertwined .

Continue to grow

Continue to glow

Continue to water your flow.

I hope “forever” is just a start for us.

If not then i hope it’s at least a glimpse in the length you find happiness.

You’re a very Real. Free. Pure. Whole. Soul.

With love,

🥑

In my dark times

I construct rhymes

of all the shit that i’m going through

My pen writes

Through this dim light

So my pain could come leaking through

How much damage can you put into your soul

Before all your screws start coming loose

Or before you’re burnt out like the wick on the bathroom candle

How much pain can your mind handle ?

Trying to keep a tiny piece of my sanity in tact

But it feels like a war protecting that

Nothing feels like how it felt before.

I’m at a all time low

Focusing on Mending my own soul

If not there are consequences

Hope the bounce back is strong

But who could ever know

In these times of uncertainty

I feel i’m at the point real life begins.

Finding out who i am

While taking everyone else’s shit in

Navigating through passages of sin.

Questioning if God can even hear me

But at the same time still thanking them

Sick of trusting in my heart’s cries

The things my mind tells me not to do

Had me believing in pieces of me i never even knew.

Writing through my deepest of mind states.

I guess I’m depressed.

So sick of trying not to show it

Catch me at Mariana’s depths

All things Considered.

I’m at an all time low. There’s parts of me i can’t share on this. Even if theres no where else i can unload.

I just know I’m not happy.

Tired of feeling this feeling of absolute hopelessness.

I posted a picture of myself smiling to my Tumblr blog really i never smile. My mom said that about me once. “That boy never smiles”. She must think i’m miserable.

I’ve just never been confident with myself. Well tbh i think my smile is hideous. So i tend to avoid cameras.

And i’m always left feeling like shit when people ask me to take pictures. But having such a deep insecurity i just can’t. So either way its shitty.

That’s not even what this is about. I feel hopeless. And like I’m a huge bother to everyone around me.

I feel stressed. And worried about my fewture*. I feel alone. And scared about this one thing. I feel like a shell of myself.

I look in the mirror.

The person i want to be Isn’t looking back at me.

My mind is losing trace of who that even was actually

When everybody around me is just yapping and yapping

Sharing their perceptions of me

It’s me who i needed to believe in

But see. I cant get my words and thoughts to match up with my actions.

Confidence in myself is fleeting

I hold on to the negatives and ignore if theres even parts of me that do right

Im the Wicked soul that’s losing his fight with the light.

We should really start praising our own skin

Building our own minds

Taking our time

To stop worshipping the unattainable

Love what we can do

Love who’s around you

Trust that what we are is nothing less than beautiful

Think about your passions

Set goals and conquer them

Cater to your soul because if you dont there are consequences

Like shutting yourself off to those that admire you

Missing out on lovely moments while blindly stumbling through

You should be kind to you

We should Start living for each other

And make sure when we reach the finish line it was worth it

And Have no regrets

Learn how to move along

Dwelling on the past could hold you back and just do you wrong

And while planning for the future

Has its place and holds its value

Dont miss out on now

The present is a valuable battle

Lost Passions.

They Had me drowning neck deep in depression

Stuck in the pattern of letting my mind drift.

Cant keep pace with it.

Feeling defeated when i’m faced with it

Sitting here,

Not in control of where my mind’s racing

Too caught up in wishing for better days

And instead of mending what remains

I’m struggling to make the pen hit the page

It’s a shame

Trying to move away from my fucked up ways

Depression took its took on my wounded soul

I Was Contemplating

Making these my last days

I felt as fragile as glass vases

I made the darkness my own

The bane of my own existence

You brightened my world

Unlocked my chambers of secrets

Happiness no longer toying with me

It’s placed itself in the fingertips of my reach

Just gotta focus on it

Break the paradigm of self pity

Make the most of this

You were a piece of my mind’s anchor.

Now my peace of mind’s floating.

Fleeting

For a long time I’ve felt angry.

Unwanted.

Unheard.

Unappreciated.

All separate emotions that we’re very weighted by themselves. But once mixed, became destructive.

They Lead me to hate myself. And possibly to hate the world for making me feel that way.

And i say the world because that’s what you had become.

My world.

All my energy and time and passion was poured into you.

And i didn’t feel the reciprocity.

But I’m glad.

All of this gives me a chance to relearn myself. And maybe better yet. I can continue to learn you. To love you. All while learning to be my own World.

And through love lost and pain and destruction caused maybe We can grow a bond much deeper than love can describe.

Where we focus all our energy on ourselves. And thus we know when we have to address things with each other.

To think back and analyze all the times we fought would be crazy. I don’t even remember why we argued half the time.

We was just fed up.

Two different styles of communication. Or non communication. That led to never working things out. Never discussing things in depth.

I need to learn to forgive myself.

We’ve been through a lot.

And thanks to that i won’t give up on myself even though i’ve fallen short countless times.

I’ve found rock bottom this past week. Been scraping by day after day. And then i found out there was an even deeper level of hurt and pain below that.

I want to reach rock bottom again. So i can find my path to recovery.

I love you wholly. I love you to the ends of the universe and back.

But now its time to do that with and for myself .