I’ve been learning how to speak to my soul.

Cater to it.

Really just focusing on paying attention to when it cries out to me.

What I’m starting to realize is that there are many different layers to the soul.

There is the part of your soul that calls out for love. The part that calls out for purpose and belonging. Other parts calling out for adventure, good music to vibe to, a moment to relax, or just likes to hang with friends. You know, parts left to uncover.

But I’m learning how to read what I need when I need it.

It’s probably the reason I was depressed for a while. I wasn’t tending to the right parts of my soul. Thinking general approaches would fix everything.

But I took time to feed the different parts.

To give them well deserved attention.

I started writing more because that’s something that helps me heal. Helps me solve. Helps me uncover hidden thoughts.

I went searching for new music. Music that is good to listen to just because I can share the struggle. Or just chill. Or be uplifted depending on my mood in that moment.

I sat and shared parts of me I had tucked inside.

I listened. I started to listen to others more and more. Just grateful that someone was empathic enough to share intimacy with me. Hopefully watering their seed, while they were knowingly or unknowingly watering mines. You know, just sitting with someone and sharing connections is valuable.

The soul remembers those moments. Sparks when you interact with those people again.

And I hope through connections I leave , if if only just a tiny amount, positive energy with all of you guys.

I think it’s better now. Looking back from the other side. From a slightly better place.

Earl said it though, “In the middle of the trip i couldn’t reroute it”.

I couldn’t see my way out because I was neglecting myself.

And it took some time for me to start learning to be patient with my rate of growth.

Appreciating my own timing.

It’s beautiful.

We’re beautiful .

Life is strange!

I forgot about the pad cause I met this therapeutic chick

Her presence was just enough to clear shit up a bit

She played the surgeon to my wounds and could mend it

But now I’m back on the paper with my pen and a vengeance

So many stories go unfinished

Mines is yet to unfold

Pen filled with passion,

Passion leads to gold

Sitting here pouring out my soul

Feels like my brain and heart split as I grow

Focused on making the best of times in my darkest days

Tried building the strongest of structures on the flimsiest base

Connecting through the internet lets the realness evade

No space for the demons in my new mind state

My fingers just go and i lose trace

3 am tryna find my place

Trying to find my purpose,

and let it take hold of me

Let destiny take over me

Conquering my fears cause that’s where bliss will encounter me

Hope my impact lasts for eternity

My minds racing like brickyard

Times wasting I quickguard it

My mom calling to see if my heart and mind are in tact

My skies clear as i write this track

~ Something I wrote somewhere in early 2017

I’ve been Learning how to speak to my soul

Mend All The pain that I’ve been living through

The devil keep me on my tippy toes

Through this love we’ve felt hurt and it shows

I Find myself facing constant Lows

Everyday a new chance to learn and Grow

Trying to find Peace in this forever

She got the key to my heart and she knows

She got the graphic image sewn in her shirt

And her ambition flies high to the sky

You would fall in love looking at her

And if youre broken she can heal all the hurt

We damaged

We lost passion

I dont know how long i had depression

But i’d help you find the answers if youre asking

To Whats next and

I’m tracking

My happiness right now

Giving my queen her crown

And watch her take off the ground

And rule the planet

If you want it then just plan it

Cause this planet

is a minor goal for us

Time wont hold for us

Time wont slow for us now

Asking god to show me right now

What this life shits actually about

Is the everything i need to see

If im exactly who i need to be

Just me

I wish i could put the clutch on the hectic pace of my brain

To Muffle my pain

Silence the feeling theres nothing left to gain

Nothing’s been the same

Since Frantic thoughts started jumbling my mindspace

And Depression became my closest friend

Betraying me since way back when

I wanted to be as smart as Tj Henderson

Wish I could take it back to the arcade

and buy myself some extra lives again

Think im stuck in denial

Whats wrong feels the most right

At least im so low it must only get better

Im searching for a light

Would sell my soul if it meant peace for yours at all

Even if it means losing the peace in mines you know

Learning how to speak to my soul

The devil been keeping me on my tippy toes

And this pandemic got me revisiting my worst states

Writing to numb the pain

Hope my problems blend into the page

Smudge and smear into the lines as the tears leak down my face

Lets see if it gets better or stays the same

If the depression remains

I know I haven’t spoke to you in a while.

Just know I’m not okay.

We out here though.

July 19, 2020.

So.

Yeah.

I actually don’t have too much too say today.

I Just want to acknowledge that I feel good.

I know emotions, Like most things in this life, are temporary. I know another low will come. And then sometimes I’ll be in the middle.

Love y’all.

Reach out to me if you need me.

I’m always around

Bless

Hello.

It’s me again just writing down my thoughts as I’m working through them.

So quite often I find myself asking God and/or the Universe for things. Whether that be just watching over my girlfriend, or easing a certain friend’s struggles, or to give me hints that whatever I’m doing is right. I always ask the higher powers to provide that for me.

And a lot of times I feel I don’t receive a response. Or instead of answering one question they just throw another issue at me for me to struggle with. Actually, I tend to think maybe they even forgot about me because I often forget to pray just to give thanks. Who really knows?

You know how sometimes your parents tell you that you just have to learn things “the hard way”. Maybe that’s the response I’ve been getting. The lessons I’m being taught. The Lessons I’m living through to mold me into the person I’m meant to be.

So, what I think now is that maybe no answer, is the answer. Maybe the God-iverse is telling me no. Maybe they’re holding off the blessing because the struggle is what I need to be experiencing at that time.

Maybe this feeling of Hopelessness I can’t escape has a purpose.

Maybe this feeling of having a lack of purpose is right for me.

Maybe it’s all aligning so that when I do find hope and passion I get to enjoy them that much more. After longing them for this long.

Maybe I need to fall.

Fall far and deep so that my spirit can be ready catapult into it’s next stage.

Like a Sling-Shot.

I don’t know.

You know how the further back you pull the sling, The further the object you fire ends up flying.

Maybe that’s the purpose for this stage of my life.

I sure believe it’s so. That this all has a reason. Even though I really don’t like it all that much. Feeling so low so often.

But hey. We Outchea.

Also, side note, take care off yourself. Don’t take too much on. Take care of your mental. Pace yourself from exhausting tendencies.

Align your energy with what matters if you can. Don’t waste too much on the shit that drains you. Cause the time you spend on that you can’t get back.

P.S.

You’re Beautiful.

Believe in yourself.

Chase your dreams.

Lets call it like it is,

Time’s so good at whispering sweet nothings in my ears

Making it easy to forget I’m only renting it

My days are numbered

Need to grab my passions while I still have the wits

Sick of feeling defeated when I’m faced with it

The Damage is done so now what

Breaking the cycle of feeling down

Matter fact catch me in the Mountains eating Dal Bhat

with my head in the clouds

So close to God’s gate

I might as well give a knock

If he answers I’d actually be shocked

That he didn’t abandon me for lost religion

Jog my memory to what I felt in the beginning

A kid’s freedom.

before i was dancing with the devil,

cause now I’m sparring with him.

Gimme totsuka’s sword to trap and guard him

Stand tall,

Raise your head to the skies

Take a pose and raise your fist up high

Steady yourself in your stance of defiance

Protect you mind

Remember to take a break from the images of violence

Tell me

what’s better than the cool summer breeze

sun kissed skin

kicking on the beach with your friends

We stay shining even with our dark skin

what’s better than melanin ?

shit

protect your mental before there’s too much harm

We black and as beautiful as the paradise we live in

Pray the universe eases up and is a lil forgiving

I Believe Everything in life has a balance.

The key must be to find out what that balance looks like for you. I don’t think I’ll truly ever figure this thing out before I die but I plan to make the most of it. I’m sharing what I’m thinking about, maybe just in hopes that it helps you figure out your image of balance. And with hopes that my shared thoughts makes sorting through yours even a little bit easier.

So I wanna talk about living in the moment.

I think too often I find myself caught in what I’m not experiencing right now. Whether that be spending too much time dwelling on my past, or too much time thinking of where I’d like to be in my future. Or even worrying way too much about what other’s think of me. I can’t seem to escape those patterns.

But what I’m working on is overcoming that.

I was told when I was a teenage that we are our pasts.

We are our mistakes.

And that people don’t change. EVER.

But i refuse to believe that. I see change in myself everyday. I’ve seen major changes in myself over the last few months and years. Some changes for the better some for the worse but change nonetheless. I don’t believe the past has to be the determining factor in who you’re going to be. Rather it should give you guidelines into what traits you might want to grow out of, or experiences you never want to have again. But I don’t think you need to spend everyday thinking of your mistakes, or who you once were. Instead, You grow and you work on yourself in the now and experience the changes you want to make in your life. Give yourself time to time reflect on what’s working and what’s not. But forever experiencing your growth. Because I think if you spend all your time dwelling on shit that’s happened, you neglect yourself the chance to heal and grow in the now.

The Now.

I think the Present is all we have.

I guess the future will never really exist. Because every moment you live through will always be the “present”. So we can’t spend too much time thinking of what we hope to become.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s value in looking to the future. But once again there’s a balance.

So plan for the future. Planning is a very valuable tool. It helps you hash out goals you wanna set for yourself. Helps you create a vision of what you want to accomplish. Helps keep you motivated. Planning can help you work towards breaking habits. And it definitely helps in figuring out short and long term ambitions.

But be careful, because just how I think dwelling on the past can be dangerous, I think spending all your time planning can be as well. Make sure that you’re not so caught up in goals that you neglect yourself now. Don’t commit too much into what COULD be to end up being blind to the beauty and magic of everyday life. I can’t tell you how often I’m stuck wishing things could be different. Planning for it. Then get disappointed when things turn out different. And maybe if I didn’t spend my time wishing, I would be actively preparing myself for alternative versions of what could be.

But don’t completely lose the value of planning, even if what you plan doesn’t work out. Life is Strange. Unpredictable even. Just make sure, you know, that you don’t set yourself up for utter devastation if your plans don’t work out.

Find your balance.

I read a quote once that said, “Just handle what’s in front of you now, and the future will take care of itself. Otherwise, you’ll spend most of your life wondering which foot you’ll use to step off the curb when you’re still only halfway to the corner.”

And i guess the same can be applied to the past. You may be so caught up in which foot you used to step onto the curb that you bump into many obstacles on your way to the corner.

Everyday I focus on the now. Learning to commit 100% of myself into the moments I’m experiencing. Letting the moments seize me. So i don’t miss out on the beauty surrounding my every breath.

I hope everyone’s alright.

Love Y’all

Anyways

I just want to remind you that if you’re reading this you more than likely matter to me.

If you need me i’m here

Shoot me a message.

Call me

Whenever

Me?… I’ll be just fine