Here We go again.

It’s easy to look out at the vast, cold, chaotic waters of the sea of life and feel overwhelmed.

Small.

Lost.

Scared of what’s waiting for you beyond what’s in your immediate view.

And that’s been me lately.

Feeling intimidated by my lack of purpose. Lack of understanding in who I am and who I’m destined to be. It Feels like I’m drowning yet I haven’t even taken the risk to step out into the open ocean. The waves crashing into the shore kicking up so much salt spray that I’ve felt lost in a cloud of gray. Not sure if I’m going forward or backwards.

Stagnant.

Caught deep in the monotonous everyday motions of work. Sleep. Eat.

Then in the rare moments the salt spray dies down a bit and the cloud begins to clear. It gets better for a while. You know how it goes. I feel like there’s gotta be some way for me to tackle this crazy World. But then I come to a halt. Why would I step out into the grand ‘ole ocean when I’ve made a comfortable place splashing around in the warm puddles of the tide pools I’m use to. The ripples I create so small on the cosmic scale. Longing for my ripples to turn into tsunamis. Because every atom in my body tells me I can be so much more.

Emotions carry me like waves.

The horizon becomes clearer. My destination becomes closer. I’m on the crest of the wave and I can see everything I want within my view. I feel like i’m flying.

And I’m not so afraid of the fewture. Because I know the fewture is going to be what I make it.

But then from that high I come Crashing back down.

Deep into a trough. And everything becomes dark. And it feels like I’m about to be swallowed up.

Hopeless.

Once again feeling overwhelmed by the vastness of the ocean I see around me.

But I gotta push through.

So here I am now.

At my crossroads of destiny.

Should I stay here.

Lethargically stumbling along the high water mark.

Feeling discomfort.

The cloud of fear and uncertainty is sure to make its way back into my view soon.

Because I’ve been acting too afraid of what the sea holds for me right now to take that blind leap of faith.

That Ezio Auditore.

But i know should I go.

Submerge myself beyond that place of fear.

The place where success and bliss exist.

I can’t let what’s behind me define where I go from now. Can’t let it limit me.

Can’t let this self doubt I’ve been feeling swallow me up.

The security of being safe on the shorline, but being slammed back and forth like a piece of trash trapped in the receding waves of horseshoe bay has become unappealing to me.

My souls cries for more.

I don’t want to end up like an old sole washed up on the rocks forgotten and withering.

My intuition is tingling.

Time is still ticking.

One step at a time I will doggy paddle my way forward to the horizon.

Towards my dreams and goals.

Until I reach my sunset and I can take one last look back on the journey Across the waters and hopefully be satisfied with all my experiences.

Hopefully leaving behind a display of colors unseen before. The most beautiful sunset the world’s ever known. Leaving one last positive moment for the world to view.

As someone who is in my shoes now looks out at their ocean contemplating what’s next for them. And hopefully Finds inspiration through my words. My life. My presence. Knowing they’re not alone.

We can do this.

And together we can make it easier.

We out here.

2020 straight doo doo water.

Like sun rays fighting their way through the stormiest skies

I feel as if I’ve been at odds with the universe

I hope she plans to take it easy on me

Everyday I try to shatter the ceiling of the box I placed myself in.

Dangerously close to letting the walls close in around me.

Suffocating.

But at the same time I know this is where I thive most. Dig the deepest. When I’m at my most empathic because I’m no longer as nonchalant as I tend to be. Because I feel the pressure of everything.

Feeling like I’m blindly stumbling through a foggy world.

Unsure of my place.

Unsure of my value.

Unsure of my purpose.

Unsure of myself.

Always unsure of this.

Unhappy with who I’ve been these past couple of months.

But knowing the only way to push through this is to move forward.

Everything looks the same.

Bleak.

‘Misty eyed fallacies.

Lead me to self deprecating tendencies .

What I see isn’t necessarily

What is meant to be.

I wish I could be in tune with everything

But it’s hard because what’s missing,

Is the better parts of me

We in this shit Like Freddy in your darkest dreams‘

So we keep pushing.

These past two weeks I’ve been feeling pretty low.

It hasn’t been easy.

But I know in this room lies a key.

A key that fits the keyhole of a door I can’t yet see.

Opportunity waiting to knock on the other side. Waiting to embrace me as its King.

Bless

P.S.

Its 1:24

I can’t sleep because I’m really sad rn. IK why. You guys don’t have to .

I’ ll sleep it off

We’re going nowhere fast.

That’s what I tell my reflection when I see him in the mirror.

It’s like I’m going around in circles watching time pass me by.

Listening to life,

While she Whispers Sweet nothings to me.

Telling me everything’s going to be okay

But yet it all seemed like it wasn’t meant to be.

We’re going nowhere fast

And it feels like everywhere won’t come anytime soon.

Like the good times are too far and too few.

Wish I could take it back to 2005.

A simpler time.

A simpler me.

A Simpler you.

But i know time’s got me up in its clutches,

Ready to squeeze me dry.

But If it so pleases the greater design

I just sit and hope the universe takes it easy on me.

Never really sure hold to take hold of my own destiny.

The only things I think I know is that sitting here bumping music staring at the ceiling is good for me.

Or sitting by the water at the beach.

Free.

Envisioning what it’s like to be everywhere.

Disconnecting from the nowhere that’s gotten the best of me.

Because we’re trying to find the light even on our dark days.

You know like when you see the sun rays,

Fighting for their life trying to shine through

Competing with the grayest sky.

We’re stuck at nowhere,

Watching everywhere pass us by.

The place where ambition and self doubt collide.

So it’s easy for me to  surmise

We’re only at our highs

When we play down all that’s behind us.

Cause it’s our mind that harms us.

It’s hard to break free of the monotony

When you deep up in it.

To be stuck in nowhere is fair for now.

Fear of failure keep us in the same motions.

It’s harder to break free than to keep going.

But the only way to ease the damage

Is to habitually seek everywhere in your everyday life.

And I’m sure everyday we could make it easier.

What’s behind us

Isn’t what’s defining us.

Nowhere is where you find us.

This shit is heavy.

Everyday is a new slate to fuck up.

Everyday, an opportunity to do worse.

Everyday, a new chance to slip into destructive tendencies.

The ones you try to run from.

Unaware of the fact that they’ve been creeping up on you the whole time.

This feels like the fastest decline.

Further.

Deeper.

Sharper.

Bleaker.

It’s like trying to fill up a beaker that has holes in it.

The more you pour in the more it drips.

Everyday you can end up worse than everything you’ve been working towards.

Worse than the darkest of your inner thoughts.

Worse than where you are, because you’ve retreated back to where you was.

Stored emotions start to pour.

You’re sure you’re going through it.

Like glimpses of good thoughts running through my memory.

Everyday I feel more suffocated.

Like maybe there’s more for me.

More to my everyday than I’ve been making of it.

More in store for me.

The things placed right at the edge of my fingertips,

But not quite in my grip.

Be careful before you fumble and lose trace of it.

Everyday could be a chance for me to pursue that.

All that I am longing for.

Maybe knock on heaven’s door.

Trying to find forgiveness for lost religion that left me long ago.

I’m sure it gets better you know.

Everyday a new chance to find and purse my passion.

Dig my dreams up out the dumpster where I left them.

Be better for myself because that’s truly all that’s left here.

Everyday should be a new chance to make it,

WHAT I MAKE IT.

Feels like I’ve been up in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber training

and bettering my mind-state.

And now I’m stepping out on the other side ready for the world.

I know me and the Universe got some shit to talk about.

But for some reason I think we have everyday to figure it out.

Jaded.

Life’s been feeling like an uphill battle as of lately.

I hope to protect my heart and mind before they slip away.

But I fear they’re gone and it’s already too late

Jaded.

Life’s been feeling like an uphill battle as of lately.

I hope to protect my heart and mind before they slip away.

But I fear they’re gone and it’s already too late

“Keep a sense of humor, especially about yourself. It is a strength beyond all measure”

~ D. Millman

So.

I’ve come to the conclusion that you can’t actually out run your past.

No matter how many positive steps you take in the right direction. As soon as some similar to your past mistakes pops up, you’re back to living under a microscope. No matter how much you know you’ve changed and how things are not at all like they were.

The people affected by your past mistakes will never be able to give you a clean slate in those regards. They will never see similar situations the same again. They won’t be able to understand that you aren’t doing the same thing.

But the only way to move is forward. Trust that if no one else does, you know your heart. You know you aren’t making the same mistakes. If your intentions are different you gotta trust that time will heal everyone involved.

You gotta strive from the constant discomfort these speed bumps give you. Grow. Adjust.

Be understanding to those you’ve hurt. Because even if your intentions are better the situation may be so eerily similar that its hard to overcome.

I’ve made mistakes. We all have.

This time I think I understand that it doesn’t matter if I think it’s different. Because those hurt by me in similar ways before think otherwise. So now I know that I have to be better. For myself. For the fewture. Because second chances in life are few and far in between.

And I guess overall I am learning it’s not for me to determine how people feel from my actions. But to own them in their truth. To take the bruises. To fight the shame. Apologize. Grow and continue to better myself. To be better. Because if I say i feel let down by something the least I would hope if for you to understand why I feel that way.

Idk if anyone’s reading this.

But if you ever feel like a constant fuck up you’re not alone.

All i can do is strive to be better than who I was a minute ago.

We out here.

P.S.

If non of this makes sense I get it. My brain’s pretty scrambled right now.

Instead of quitting all I start

I just needed to focus on a finish.

Instead of hiding from the trauma

I just needed to come right out and face it.

Embrace it.

Heal it.

Deal with it.

Therapy, friends, and a change of mind was what I needed.

Been searching for a piece of my peace of mind

Dumpster diving in the Back Alleys hoping to find it.

Wishing my depression good riddance

And hoping my happiness becomes timeless.

Instead of the glimpses

I envision

Playing deep within my mind

And Like sun rays bursting through the stormiest skies,

I’ve been feeling at odds with the unverse

But to be honest thats fine with me.

I thank the pad for all its time with me.

Cause now I’m shining.

Been searching for a piece of my peace of mind

Also tryna find all the shit tucked deep inside you

The stuff you tried to hide from the world

The shield you put around your mind’s truth

The bars around your heart

Caridic arrest, I spit these bars

I hope that i find the right words

My pen playing the surgeon, mending all your wounds

Encouraging you to share a burden with me,

The shit that only i can find in you

The best parts people may overlook

But the things that keep me forever intrigued

With every new chapter in our book

I hope that i better you, cause you’re making a better me

It feels like i’ve known you for an eternity

The way you open up is new to me

Finished being scared of forever with you

Its amazing

You keep me Grounded ,

My hearts pounding

Its got me wondering what else is in store for us

You straight flames self immolate call you Van tuc