Tonight’s mood is gratitude.

Gratitude for things both small and grandiose .

Gratitude for things that define me and all the minuscule details.

Gratitude for the most high and for the lessons he teaches.

Gratitude for my mind and body and spirit.

Gratitude to beings here, right where I am today.

Gratitude to the pain that will turn me into a better person.

Gratitude to my loneliness for visiting again and remind me I still have a lot to work on.

Gratitude for Bones and for the aches in my bones reminding me that I am alive. That I am something tangible.

Gratitude for absence and gratitude to all that will visit me.

Gratitude for the capacity of my heart.

Gratitude for my strength but also the strength I witnessed everyday that inspired me.

Gratitude to this blog.

Gratitude to all these dark and lonely night because I know I will strive for lighter days.

Gratitude to …

When I think of 2024 i think of opportunities of growth.

Who do i want to be? What do I want to see for myself this year? When will I start to work towards my dreams?

I want to step into myself more. I want to explore more of Canada whilst I’m here. I wanna see more of the world. Meet people and learn new things. Connect more with the indigenous culture. Love harder. Be better. I want to challenge myself to be better than all the mistakes of 2023. I want 29 to be more successful and more complete. I want to believe in myself. Gain back my self-confidence. Stand up for me. Love me. Hold myself down. I understand in life sometimes you have to take bumps, but I don’t want to hide my bruises and scars. I want to wear them and let them be a sign of where i came from and what i’m striving towards. And I’m striving towards greatness.

What do I see for myself? I’m still deciding because the year is still young. But i want to laugh. uncontrollably… until my gut is pained. I want to get good grades. I want to work hard and make the most of my internship. i want to relearn to love myself despite whatever has caused me tot doubt that. because i want to grow in love as i feel like i always have. i want to make others happy. and although it’s difficult to make any new friends at this time in my life i want to leave others fuller by having met me. I want to become a man she would’ve been proud of. I want to become a man God is proud of. can i be the reason she smiles and laughs? idk… I HAVE TO FINALLY FINISH THIS DAMN NOVEL???? summer time for sure mf.

NOW NOW NOW NOW. my dreams are mines to claim and i will be doing it every day. a little bit every day is better than nothing so her i go.

Outta patience.
Tryna have a taste of the better life.
My mouth bitter with the taste of spite.
i hope i swallow it before it turns to venom.
vivid replays of my damage.
my goods are fragile and unmanaged.
at least i’m lengthening my temper. 
I hope God answers.
this next call might be my most desperate.  

Struggling to make sense of these dark turns.
The light in my world seems dimmer now.
the pain has started to boil from the low simmer now.
I’m proud of the man I’m becoming. 

Maybe I just wanna feel something.
the light in my world is flickering and fading.
growing impatient with my safe havens. 
Wishing for someone to save me like old memory cards in my psp.
its me and me, but also me v me.
The taste of heaven i was rewarded was too much for somebody just like me.
all my wildest dreams were highly unlikely.
the darkness i emit would smother her lighting.

I am going to love the one tender flower I see. Everyday i will feed it, water it. Prune its damaged petals so new and fuller ones can grow back . I will point it towards the sun on days it struggles to bloom. I’ll shelter it through every tropical storm. And i’ll remind it everyday how beautiful it is. Alone, unmatched amongst the environment it is growing in. Rare.

I will love that flower until it is ready to love itself. I’ll make sure that it is a healthy and thriving parent plant. So that when all the seedlings that grow from her start to blossom they will know healthy and thriving conditions too. Idk how much a broken down gardener with shabby tools and nothing to offer the world can make much difference. But if i can love and protect just this one flower. And help her grow into the bloom she will become … i will have done a service to this world. I would have loved how God loved me, and how God wants me to love. So i thank him everyday for the chance to wake up and work hard to make sure this flower blooms.

Shes the love of my life

And everything that’s right.

My karma is dark and heavy.

I feel my layers shredding.

I feel my heart shattering .

Big up

Adored and Amazing.
Bright and beautiful.
Calm and courageous.
Dauntless and divine.
ethereal and exciting.
full and FIRE.
gorgeous and gargantuan.
(my) Happiness and Hope.
intelligent and inspiring.
joyful and jaunty.
kindhearted and kissable.
loved and life.
mindful and magical.
nurturing and noble
optimistic and otherworldly.
perfect and pure.
queen and quality.
rare and radiant.
sublime and succulent.
tender and (my) teacher.
unique and unmatched.
vivacious and versatile
wonderful and whole.
x = idfk lol
youthful and yummy. 
zealous and zen .

Heavy is the heartbreak i wear. 
I look at my creepy spirit in the mirror. 
The more i connect with myself, the more i realize my collapse is drawing nearer.

Self hatred is on the tip of my tongue and i’m trying to swallow it.
My heart is growing kinda cold and pretty hollow-ish.

I didn’t save much love to give back to myself, and nobody else has the capacity for me.
My garden has dried up and emptied. 
There’s nobody to come help me plant my seeds.
The lonely road that i walk wears me out,
and brings my soul to its knees.

You get the picture…