There is power in the you that you are becoming through these experiences.

I’ve been searching for what God has had to say to me during these times.

And there’s a rumbling in my spirit…

Life’s a funny thing sometimes the lessons hit you even when you dint want them to. Other times you to listen. You have to search. You have to seek guidance in those around you. You have to listen to the message within you atoms. You have to change things up. Fail. Come up short once or thrice. You see me i fail more than i can count. Success are far and few between . But sometimes it feels like this life isn’t my own.

Sometimes i feel like a vessel . I know my strength isn’t my own. Maybe part of it is learned through her. I know for sure part of it has been lent to ne by the angels.

Sometimes all i want to do is share the burden. To listen. To hear. To connect my humanity to another person’s . You’re having a bad day i will listen for 30 minutes. You need to laugh i’ll try my best. You need a ride ? I gotchu. How can i bring God’s light into your oath? How can i connect us. Some of the best bonds i’ve ever made in life transcended language and culture. I remember Mama Fatayah in times like this. Devendra’s mom who said i was like a son to her by the time i left Nepal. Apay or the lady that fed me and Alung on the beach one random day. I think of chapthok, in which i planted roots of a home away from home. Who i hope to do justice in all i write about them. How those moments dictated my self belief. How i was able to feel so connected to people i couldn’t even verbally communicate with. How was i folded over gut wrenched dying laughter with tuk the stone mason yet i couldn’t say one word to him. It was my innate desire to connect. To let them know that if no one else cared i cared enough to make those 3 months worth every second I spent there. That i wanted to share in their burden. That i cared to make a difference.

Idk. I think if mr clay this summer. How it seemed my path crosses his at the right time. I just want to honestly have enriched people by me having been in their life.

I want to make something of my writing this yesr. Mold a message i can be proud of. I’m rarey proud of myself. But i want God to guide this pen. I want light to guide this mind. I want passion to drive this body. I want connectivity to be at the core.

Forgiveness and gratitude.

I especially want to help carry her load. I don’t know if she can really see or feel that I view her burdens as my own. that i treat them with even more care than I’d treat my own. that i wear them as well as i can. that i see her. that i listen. that i care. that i’m willing to put the work in. that my plane will never crash under her weight. i’m made to be her brace. well yeah i’m signing off.
i got back to the house safe.

byeee

I no longer want to take for granted any part of the journey. Even these harder days and lonely nights. I wanted to enjoy this city in some capacity. I want to spend as much time as possible with My landlord and my best friend Zoe. I want to spend endless hours in skype calls. I want to smile and laugh. I want to make at least ONE friend. But all the same I will be grateful even if I make none and have to continue to be alone.

I will be sad about what it is I need to be sad about. I will let go of what no longer needs to carry forward with me. I will slow down when my body tells me to. I will speed up when life requires it. I will listen. I will learn. I will grow through all these failures .

I haven’t been too great recently. But… I’m going to keep going for me at least. No one else caring can’t be an excuse anymore. I need to care. I need to show up for me. I need to heal. I need to.

I’m proud of myself. I’ve been pulling through these daily breakdowns alone. Now it’s time to pick back up. Break outta this low period. Pull myself up. Be productive. Be strong. Be gracious. live in gratitude.

Thank you God.

Thank you MKB.

Thank you me.

Thank you life.

My heart’s as fragile as glass vases.
You were a piece of my mind’s anchor.
Now my peace of mind’s floating away… fleeting.
my confidence is ceasing.
you are probably the worst girl I could’ve got this deep with. 
The love i had was as bottomless as a the Kaiadas leap is.
now the darkness is my own,
but yet you’re the bane of my existence. 
You will stay tucked in my heart’s chamber of dirty secrets.

i’m just tryna stay in it.
letting my mind drift, losing trace of it.
i feel pathetic when i’m facing shit.
i can’t brighten you like they do.
everyone else just seems to free you.
tried my hardest but your walls are stronger than my chisel. 

i feel I’m at war with something i’ll never defeat.
trying not to fall back into the patterns of losing the lighter me.
everyone around me sting me with selfish intentions 
never sure who i should let in.
lost passions , have me trapped deep in my depression.

my heart make be black hole.
my pain sucking in the light from around me.
the hate we spew is sinful.
my only rock has crumbled away 
i guess the sadness gets to us all.

writing to clear all the pain.
to channel my mental rage.
i thought this here was my gift 
but maybe it’s just the catalyst to my Heartbreak’s anonymous.
i just wanna be happier than this.

I’d like to think I’ve grown since this piece called “bruised soul (throwaway)”. But hey now maybe some of it still rings true now?

The weight of my world is starting to sink me in. 
I wanna feel prioritized. 
My deepest fear came true, and yes I am inadequate. 
In all the ways that could matter in her heaven’s eye.

i never was deserving of the peek I had into paradise.
and my birthday showed me what I deserved is the nothing that I received. 

i steep in the depression, because it seems that happy isn’t tailored to fit me.
would you believe i thought i would be enough?
i hear you God.

In the verge of a breakdown self transparency is key.

28 was absolutely horrid and 29 looks like more of the same for me. And as much as that sucks I’m smart enough to know it is well deserved. The nothing i received is the nothing i was supposed to have. I hear the message .

Maybe pinpointing why my karmic sentence is so heavy and painful will help me attract some positivity my way.

Heres to another bad bday. And more lonely nights. Goodbye blog.

The parts of me I cannot see need some tender touch.
They need a good soak in the splendid sun.
To be wrapped in a hug of someone willing to lend me love.
Can anybody send me some?

I’ve seen myself shatter into a Billion pieces. 
I don’t even know what makes me who I am anymore. 
I’m down bad trying to to find something that I can be down for.

Goodbye to the damage I receive that no longer serves me.
I’m on to better things and healthier servings. 

She’s heaven sent. 
With a beauty so divine it would make the Heaven’s mad.
That she walks amongst the humans and not through the golden streets of heaven’s land.
Her perfect smile taught me what “heaven on earth” could’ve truly meant.
Oh what a pleasure to my eyes to be able to steal these glimpses of Heaven’s planning.
The elegance of her design could only have been crafted by the God of heaven’s hand.
She’s heaven’s purity and truly each one of Heaven’s answers. 
To my prayers and my darkness, thank you for the clarity in the beauty of Heaven’s message.