A medium for the message.
Trying to keep my spirit in its cycle of cleansing.
Moving towards peace and my balance.
No longer running from myself when it really matters
bottled up emotions
overflowing under the pen’s therapeutic motion
and her beauty’s potion.
overcoming the mentality mountain that’s been looming over me. I have to stay hopeful.
Imy
I miss black bay on days like this.
I miss the cleansing properties its water held.
My soul was saved the day God sent guardian angels to me.
A reminder to cater to myself.
Nights like these i feel the undercurrent of my depressions. Tugging me from below the calm waters i carry on my exterior. Threatening to make a mess of my flesh. Whispering that i should give up in myself and let the negativity swallow me whole. Drown me. Fill my lungs with rageful breaths. Gasping for a version of me that becomes more fleeting with each moment.
The light dimming as i’m entering my life’s Bathypelagic zone. My fingers dancing across the keyboard to play tether to my drifting mind .
The rain falls as i walk home from work. Maybe this is all apart of one big segment of spiritual cleansing that i needed.
A reminder to call on God. To remember that harboring all these terrible tendencies and harmful habits could no longer serve me.
Not if I’m to withstand these rough seas I’m facing.
These turbulent waters shredded the dinghy that houses my psyche to pieces. And I’ve had to put in the long arduous hours building myself my own Bermuda sloop.
Nights like this feel like the end of me . The waves of emotions knock me. Capsize me. Turn my world upside down like i was Jack Sparrow at the World’s End.
I have to be my own hope. The sad truth is my damage is my responsibility to overcome. No one’s going to show up to throw me a life raft. Nobody is going to guard my life from the call of these hurricanes and monsoons. Not one person in this world will be the lighthouse that gives me hope and guides me towards those calmer seas.
I’m alone
At least my prayers attach themselves to the night sky. And God answers by painting them as the constellations that direct me across this never ending night.
Guide yourself David.
When you find the eye of the storm and calmer waters sit still and listen.
The sound of water playing tug-of-war with the shore always did serve as a remedy. The back end of the storm can sometimes do more damage than the beginning. The hull of my sloop is still incomplete. The healing comes much slower than the damage occurs. And i can’t sit and wait until i think its all better… I have to craft better.
I need to heal despite the the winds still battering at my emptied frame.
I need to tap into my inner Cutty Flam and build a ship that will withstand all. I need to treat myself with the same care and forgiveness i give to the person i love.
Before black bay there was Tilicho lake. And that’s what i told a friend was my favorite body of water.
Purity defined. MKB.
I’ve never seen anything more pristine. And that’s what i want my waters to look like moving forward in life.
And my peace will guide her to outer-space.
My work in her garden will send her words to the NY times.
I Will be the love that defines her soul’s code.
My healing will heal her and put her in that soft girl era.
I write to release📬. And i release to be the best servant to her and to God.
Play sorry Not sorry by Tyler…
Tbh
Very rare is an understatement.
She is the ground I plant my foundational seeds in, she holds the keys to my mind’s better places.
Yet she’s still the biggest challenge that i had to face.
but i love the taste of loving her.
she might be the only other person that could heal this hurt.
i have no problem putting all her feelings first.
The most beautiful love and the finest girl i could find inside our universe.
She’s the subject of my every poem ‘uni-verse’ could describe the entirety of my writing’s work.
she’s probably my wife in the making.
i lay myself down before God to be her Life’s strongest anchor.
No more time wasting. No more taking a chance at real love for granted.
i got the best so let me make it.
worth her time to love me…
ease her spirit cause she loves me
hold her down, and build her up, and free her mind cause she loves me.
and when she’s 90 … i hope her life was that much richer by having spent it right beside me.
Cater 2
Let me massage the knots in your spirit.
Let me love you til you know how to wear it.
i want you to feel me in you bones, until your troubles start disappearing.
I wanna be the sunlight peeking through when your cloudy days start clearing.
tell me how your day went i promise i wanna hear it.
every smallest thing, and every grand experience.
i love you
:;()(;;();(:(
Here to get my hands dirty.
To work the garden until the fruit has grown sweet and plenty.
until my work is paid back to me.
until someone hears my heartbeat and the pain i carry.
this broken melody.
a chosen pen but nobody is choosing me.
The words i write , to provide a light, a catalog so I never lose sight of D.
i bruise easily.
peace comes when we snooze.
skype calls to end the night we’re weaving our souls back into me and you beautifully.
the isn’t new to me.
it’s not a duty, i’m just the one for you and you the…
It does not really matter how long I have left. The exciting part about where I am is that I have the rest of my life left in front of me. I have the power to craft the future I want to see myself in.
And yeah… most things probably won’t work out the way I want. But i’m flexible to see where life takes me. I want to touch mountain peaks and I’m no longer afraid of valley lows.
I understand both sides. I understand the need to work towards goals, to have discipline and purpose. To develop skills. But I also understand the need of childlike innocence. I can’t let life pass me by chasing goals. I need to experience the beauty in all situations. In these harder times where I cry everynight. These grueling work shifts. This period where I’m alone. Every step is beautiful because I’m breathing, i have perspective and I’m moving. There’s also beauty in the stillness.
There’s beauty in her presence in my life. I can’t understate how falling asleep on call is saving me. How her voice lays a protective blanket over my troubled mind. How seeing “my love” at the end of a message reminds me why I need to get up and get it. The beauty in togetherness. I find sanity in her laugh. Her cuteness is unbearable. I will broke boy spoil her until I can tell her to kick her feet up. But I also know I’m her guy. I will protect her spirit. I will love her soul. I will cater to her physical beauty. I will help her mentally. I will get it right by her. And do it all the right way. I’ve never known anything more than I know that she is the person I want to spend life with. And that brings me back to the point. It doesn’t matter what’s in the rearview. It does not matter how many times we got it wrong. We have the opportunity to get it right for the rest of our lives. To be each other’s source. I’ll be her tank filling rain. That rain that will make the Bermudian in her say “I needed that”. That’s what I want for the rest of my life. To progress from one. To have everyday be an opportunity to get it right.
In love.
In my purpose.
In my every day interactions.
In my healing. In how I treat myself.
In creativity.
In travel.
In providing her laughs, peace, and prosperity.
Thank you God for showing me and teaching me and humbling me and paining me. I know what comes next will be the sweetest taste.
P.s.
Until then I expected these restless, tear filled, nights and arduous days to carry on. But I will carry on. I will continue to build the unbreakable foundation I need. Like 2016 summer days. I will use this season on emotional monsoons as motivation. I will remove all the loose sands, the fleeting images of self love snd replace them with a self confidence more concrete. I will break all the boulders that weigh heavy on my shoulders. I will remove mines to continue to make space for hers. Then work to remove those too. And idc if my hands are blistered and bloodied. That’s what gloves and bandaids are for. Here’s to the me I’m becoming.
Here’s to motivation in random places:
“I want to tell you that the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror for a reason. What’s in front of you is so much more important than what’s behind you.” <•~ Jelly Roll.
One:
Starting from one is no easy process. Having to humble myself enough to take a critical look at all my flaws in love. To analyze all I do wrong. To lay out my heart in front of me. To have to go back to the very basics when I felt I was ready for the final exam.
It’s a lot of pain retracing yourself back to one. Brian McKnight didn’t talk about that part. There’s a lot of patience involved. Patience within yourself because who wants to have to start over? To live within the parts of love that aren’t so glamorous. To have to address all their insecurities and fight all of their demons. And for the most part sit at number one alone.
When your ‘dream come true’ becomes a living nightmare. When it becomes tasking. When it becomes something to work at. Something to push through. Something to really work at. When the street lights are flickering and the path ahead is long and dark and lonely.
One hasn’t been a friend to me. My lows have been my lowest evers. But I’m better equipped to push through now. So yes it’s heavy … and probably the heaviest it’s ever been… but my soul is stronger now. I bounce back quicker. I forgive myself faster. I hate myself less. But …. The shit still fucking hurts. Idk. I’m starting to see the light in some regards again. I needed this reminder that my work is never done. I guess there’s lessons in the pain. I guess finding me might come from the loneliness and abandonment. Stay up. Be good to you. I’ve been sad nonstop since my birthday. Sigh.
Imagine (5)
Imagine being loved where the scars are deepest. I picture having someone be so tender with my wounds that their efforts sews the stitches that heal me. I imagine someone coming through to paved all the potholes and cracks that have formed over the roadmap to my heart. I imagine someone intentionally filling me with warmth so that there’s no chance I would go cold. I imagine someone being considerate of my feelings. Then doing everything in their power to ensure that paint my canvas with happy colours. I imagine this loneliness in my soul starting to move out because the space becomes occupied by a new tenant. Someone who cares. Someone who shows up. Someone who loves me for me. Someone who shows me that I may just be enough. I’m sure we all imagine something like this.
And I’m sure i have to continue to learn to be all those things for myself. I’m all I’ve got at the end of the day … :(;):(
Back at One
1. You truly were a dream come true. I remember the exact prayer I wrote to God in 2017. That I would find someone to spend the journey with. And when I wrote that I could’ve never imagined it would’ve been someone like you. Someone who challenges me to know that who I was praying for in 2017 was really a happier, healed version of me that I had been running away from for too long. You challenged me to grow, to be more than I thought I could be, to be more than my family’s worst tendencies. You made me force myself to forgive things I loathe about being David. Loving you forced me to fast track my attempts to become the man I want to be. And that’s because you surpassed every prayer I could’ve sent to heaven. And through being in love with you God reminded me of his love for me. He answered every bit of self doubt, because you gave me a safety net to become who society made me ashamed of. He answered every bit of self hate, because you loved the parts of me I thought light could never reach. He answered a sense of purpose because there’s a lot of purpose in loving you alone. And I really mean it when I say he sent his most beautiful angel my way. And to say you were a dream come true was an understatement. I could have never imagined being loved by someone that’s clearly empyrean. Someone that looks like what the image of perfection would reflect. Someone whose voice saves me and smile warms me, and mind allures me. But I guess that’s the power of God.
2. I don’t always know what values in love are the most important. But i will never undermine how much someone means to me. I know I would spend my life with you. And I know I would always make the effort to be understanding, to listen, to support, to make sure I contribute to your happiness. Whatever would be within my power to solve I would solve. I would take the weight of your entire burden, and keep mines if it meant you could be free. I’m always willing to compromise, to work on togetherness. To not take you for granted. To shine the light on your best parts, and to make sure I spend time in care and love to support the worst. To ensure you never have to question my love. To provide and protect. To support you in your passions. And show everyday that I want to be with you.
3. It’s plain to see. I hope it’s plain to see just how much I care. Words are only a part of the puzzle so I hope my actions give proof where my words fail. I hope it’s obviously that I would’ve never let you drown alone. I’d say I do to every version of you I had the pleasure of knowing. I care about your mental health. Your progression. Your spirit. Your heart. You smile.
4. Repeat steps 1-3. I know my work in love is never done. I know my work on myself is never done. But in most things I do, I move in consideration with how that action might impact how you feel. I think of how I can put myself in a better position to support you. I will always try to humble myself to listen when I get it wrong.
5. I leave that up to you.
Ohhhppp
I’m at my lowest again.
I gotta pick myself up cause nobody’s extending their hand.
Nobody cares enough to put me first.
nobody will come to save me this time.
it’s me vs my tortured and ripped mind.
i’d be lying if i said i’m alright.
tanking damage but my health bar’s running low.
my spirit wants to go home.
i haven’t felt this alone in a while don’t wanna carry this on.
Dream Big 