I.

humble myself before you dear Lord. I take all the pain these lessons have to teach me. All I ask is deliverance from this cycle of pain that I am in. You heal just as much as you teach. You build as much as you destroy. So all these destructive ways you’re destroying in me will lead to stronger foundations. I know I took advantage of the biggest blessing you placed into my life. So i know this pain I feel is every bit of karma I had to go through. And I plan to continue to grow through these tears and my rupturing heart. Deliver me. Forgive me. Continue to trash me for now if there’s still more darkness to be loosened from my spirit.

My spirit cries out for peace.

I maybe haven’t felt relief in a little bit now. I think back to the freedom I felt on the Annapurna Circuit. And how now my life has always been this same cycle of self sabotage. But back then i remember how I had never felt as triumphant as when I walked through Thorongla Pass. 5400 meters above sea level was the last time my soul was….. and some 7 years later I’m still searching for a way to bring myself back to those heights.

I’m sorry for betraying myself. That’s the hardest pain for me to overcome because right now (and my whole life) I’ve felt I deserve to feel this low in my skin. I literally stood in the mirror and felt disgust at who I saw looking back. I called him ugly until I broke down. And this was maybe 2 weeks back but the ugly i saw wasn’t even strictly physical (even though it partially was) but Ugly was my personality, my lack of humanity, all the wrongs I’ve done, my soul and my spirit.

I’ll humbly sit at rock bottom for now. Every-time I think I’ve reached my core I realize there’s so many more layers of pain that I have to dig through. There’s still deeper for me to fall. More pain and shame for my body to carry. More tears to cry. My mind cries, my heart cries, my eyes cry. I would love to smile again. I want the sun to set on my depression. And for the new sunrise to bring summer time warmth to my soul. I haven’t deserved happiness up until now I can accept that. But I’m working to be someone that deserves it.

*Play ~Deliver Me(This Is My Exodus)*

I’ve seen the darkness of my spirit. I’ve lived here for too long. Day by day I will walk towards my healing. Goodbye to the lows I’ve made my home👎🏿. Time to start seeing myself in a different light. The base of the issue is that I want things that simply do not want me. So i will quell my wants, quiet my mind, and cleanse myself of expectations I hold over anything.

I will just take it as it comes.

With respect and manners.

Life will give me what it gives me.

There’s a million excuses as to why i haven’t been enough.

But yet all I wanted to see was one reason why I was. One reason to bet on myself. One reason to believe but I know now that excuses are easier to find, and reasons take effort that no one would be willing to put into me (not even myself).

Here’s to a better spring after one of my coldest winters. Here’s to a warmer summer.

Here’s to a warmer me.

I’ve received all the damage I can take and the fall off the edge feels inevitable.

May God bless and guide anyone who reads this far. I wish us all to have good days.

Lonely and alone.
The double edged sword of being me.
These nights i can’t even sleep.
all my human connection happens through this screen.
low and lower. 
My confidence has too many holes in it.
i’m growing weary of this life thing

This pen gave my ruptured spirit meaning.
Nobody knows the fissures my soul holds.
The darkness of the ink matches the darnkess where i bleed.
You shining would be a threat to the ones that guide troubles 
so your target doubled .

i’m Only tilling the ground of intentionally planted seeds.
no more time to give life to dying, dead, or draining things. 
I don’t expect my flowers to grow from withering leaves. 
Bring your spirit back to me.
Like black bay’s water caught my every emotion and returned me peace.

but who could ever love a man like me?
a man so damaged and incomplete. 

She brought me closer to Gods messaging.
The talent I have needs a better channel.
Trying to get a handle on what the ink bleeds into the journal.
I believe we won the toughest battles.

A breath in this spring air let me know better days are ahead.
Been laying my demons to bed. 
While praying for another chance to lay this ring on her finger and place a crown on her head.
Breaking bread with my angels so i grow closer to them. 

A new me is emerging. 
I release my hurting. 
Loneliness is leading me back to me.
thank God for second opportunities.

Honey must drip from that golden smile.
It’a been a while since i felt this good in love.
I put you above even the level i should and uh.
I just want to hold a moment to admire you.
To inspire a blaze that fire’s a new
Section that’s healing and bettering 

i pray therapy for me kin and me.
Praise for the presence you bring.
I won’t imagine life without your light.
The stars must sparkle in your eyes.

Has anyone ever told you that your smile’s curve rivals the brillance of the crescent moon?
I wish you could’ve seen the beauty in yourself much sooner.

You’re why poetry exists.
You’re the caterpillar inside its cacoon.
There’s still more levels to how gorgeous you will become with age.
You’re the type of woman they write about in the pages of the greatest love stories
You’ve been crafted by the sweetest part of God’s glory.

Empryean , ethereal, & effortless purity.
i would take care of with surety.
so take a stab at happy and take a bet on me.
i’m worth the investment, like winning the soul lottery.

I guess the silver lining in all of this is the forced healing. I have no choice but to suffer through this until i become a better version of me. Obviously i was not enough… ok i can’t change that. Can’t take back all the damage i received. I can only strive to be enough for me. And hope someone else will find worth in me. That i won’t be taken for granted. That i won’t have to resonate with Pricetag by Jordan Ward. God has humbled me. Has broken me down. So there has to be a reason. No carrying childhood insecurities into my 30s. I have to forgive myself for being that stupid. I have to stop all the self hatred. Okay i was dumb so what. Fuck.

And i mean undying. I mean humble and ready. Listening. Learning. Passionate.

Love.

Not even the harshest storms could remove you from the peaceful place in my heart.

Let me be your anchor through whatever your heart needs. I am so willing to do all the dirtiest work and all the hard things. How can a human like me play safe-house to someone who belongs to where the moon and the stars be. Empyrean. All i can do is try my best and ask that God lends me the rest.

This year was almost the end of me.
But how could i give myself up to the enemy.
Deception led me to the lowest ive ever been.
29 feeling like 2013 me.
My destruction was probably her therapy.

give it up to God cause night time is all i ever see.
my light left thought I might not even see 30. 
I just want liberation from the mental enslavement. 
Running thinner on patience as the days fly past me. 
No more peaceful warrior for my spirit to grasp. 
Heavy life lessons and I’m willing to fail all the tests.
loving me feels like a task. 

and i get why nobody else would want to do it.
i’m unworthy . My mind is undoing. 
This is the demise of young Dewi. 

held it down.
picking myself up from where i left him.
i forgot to put my happy in front of me.
as something i could attain.
i let it stay in my past with the world to blame. 
i'm damaged, destroyed, and destructive. 
3 in 1 of your daily negativity.
steer clear when you see me.
come near if you need me.
i'm a contradiction. 
a man on a mission of healing. 
i just want to know a more solid state of feeling.