I guess the silver lining in all of this is the forced healing. I have no choice but to suffer through this until i become a better version of me. Obviously i was not enough… ok i can’t change that. Can’t take back all the damage i received. I can only strive to be enough for me. And hope someone else will find worth in me. That i won’t be taken for granted. That i won’t have to resonate with Pricetag by Jordan Ward. God has humbled me. Has broken me down. So there has to be a reason. No carrying childhood insecurities into my 30s. I have to forgive myself for being that stupid. I have to stop all the self hatred. Okay i was dumb so what. Fuck.

And i mean undying. I mean humble and ready. Listening. Learning. Passionate.

Love.

Not even the harshest storms could remove you from the peaceful place in my heart.

Let me be your anchor through whatever your heart needs. I am so willing to do all the dirtiest work and all the hard things. How can a human like me play safe-house to someone who belongs to where the moon and the stars be. Empyrean. All i can do is try my best and ask that God lends me the rest.

This year was almost the end of me.
But how could i give myself up to the enemy.
Deception led me to the lowest ive ever been.
29 feeling like 2013 me.
My destruction was probably her therapy.

give it up to God cause night time is all i ever see.
my light left thought I might not even see 30. 
I just want liberation from the mental enslavement. 
Running thinner on patience as the days fly past me. 
No more peaceful warrior for my spirit to grasp. 
Heavy life lessons and I’m willing to fail all the tests.
loving me feels like a task. 

and i get why nobody else would want to do it.
i’m unworthy . My mind is undoing. 
This is the demise of young Dewi. 

held it down.
picking myself up from where i left him.
i forgot to put my happy in front of me.
as something i could attain.
i let it stay in my past with the world to blame. 
i'm damaged, destroyed, and destructive. 
3 in 1 of your daily negativity.
steer clear when you see me.
come near if you need me.
i'm a contradiction. 
a man on a mission of healing. 
i just want to know a more solid state of feeling. 

The weight of it came out of nowhere. 
Steam rolling over me, no direction & no care.
Not a worry about the damage that would be done to me.
I just want to know that i’m loved, but that may be too much for life to provide for me. 

Quality time was just a mask for quality lies.
I’m the playstation controller one plays with. 
Nobody cares to come save him, 
the bare and shattered David.

My confidence had left me over a year ago. 
My spirit is still tearing though. 
My depression is wearing away at my weary soul.   
I wear my heart on my sleeve and the shit was knocked to the floor.

I guess this is the karmic sentence i had to serve.
Probably as well as any destruction a human could possibly deserve.  
Laughed at because i was coming up last.
But thats the story of my life tbh…
For a minute my faith was shaky at best. 

I smile through the sad, cry through the mad and only can pray for some happy. 
I hope the angels take over the battle that’s happening.  

Everything is you

I said everything is you
I feel good when i let you consume.
me. 
But it was silly of me to think.
i would’ve ever deserved a yes when i dropped down to my knees.
i’m not deserving of anything .

cause nothing is me

Let your inner child take the wheel.
Approach life with the same curiosity that once consumed you.
take on the pleasure of learning something knew.
take a bet on you.
pray for better days, no more battling blues.
when you put you first, see how the universe sends blessings to you.

Let me be your anchor. 
Your peace of mind when you just can't take it. 
let your inner child take the wheel.
let me be the pilot on you steadying ship as you heal.