And that’s on who I used to be.
Ten plus years of anger unreleased.
Mf would never have a friend in me.
Gym days to ensure these hands will sleep the next bitch boy that tries me heavily.
words will never cut D.
but one more lick of disrespect will be the end of…. 

The pen is what was needed.
Only dying leaves are growing from my damaged seedlings.
No longer have a place left to release shit. 
I didn’t learn my lessons, so God made me repeat them. 
I would’ve gave it all so she’d receive it. 
These are lost thoughts coming to light so you all can see em.
My pad’s my secrets’ keeper.
The pen plays needle.
On nights i need to stitch my mental’s loosened pieces.
This is deeper and indecent.
I took on the mantle of living every feeling.
Every page i write holds the hidden code for me receiving all my healing.
I’d be the heel in every story if the balance starts to even.

Midnight walks, where it’s just me and these deepening thoughts.
Loving me is a losing cause.
I’m no longer who the world thought I was.

pause.

let’s take it back, let’s just restart.
it’s really just me and this troubled heart.
i wish me and depression were far apart.
whatever I am is not what you want.

think.

i kinda remember when life was sweet.
maybe for me , in 2003.
thats the last time my inner child was geeked.
all that i am, is everything you see.

there’s nothing underneath.  

I’m past redemption. 
The world’s most troubled son. 
Where does the first ounce of self believe start coming from?

i knew my karmic sentencing 
meant pain and  penance.
i have to keep hope that this fall rain replenishes. 

I dont think i’ll make it through one more cold winter.

This is to the soul I lost too long ago.
And all the damage I’ve cause to its home. 
I wish you the peace that I have never known.
these are prayers called from a disconnected phone. 
Just know I need you though.
i want to look in a mirror without feeling ugly and cold. 
Maybe well enough is you leaving me all alone. 

Got too many scratches on my stainless steel mental.
No wonder for me to get to my healing i had to spill metal.
I’m still unsure of how to stop my spirit from bleeding.
When i close my eyes … the image of him haunts everything that i believe in.
I really hope i can lay his grip on me to rest before the end of this season.

As I watch the old me FALL.

there’s no reprieve while I’m dreaming. 
Every night, night mares trot through. 
i burn the midnight oil cause im literally fearful.
of the pain my subconscious mind can bring to the surface. 
Was love really worth this?

Life is more rejections than happiness.
Sitting with my reflection all i see is emptiness.
Most nights I’m not enough.
I’m calling love’s bluff.

Writing these stanzas.
For all the times I lose stamina.
and can’t flow through life’s dances.
While developing my own stances.

I’m growing out of my past. 
And plodding through the different pathways. 
I’m tryna lay these sins to rest before i meet my last days.
Unsure of where this road takes me.

The future has to be lighter than the weight of my mistakes.
I’m reaching for greatness.
And if it’s in my grasp I promise David’s gonna take it. 

When I’m facing problems I just lash out.
But I’d rather laugh now.
If it’s me and you, I’ll take your pain and all its lashings.
Then at least your demons wouldn’t have to act out.

Life is just differing variations of the truth.
I’m not above all the mistakes we’ve grown accustomed to. 
I just want a fresh start.
and to move on from all my worst ways I was stuck in too.

I’m need to part ways with whatever doesn’t serve God’s purpose for me.
My life’s mission is incomplete, 
if her spirit isn’t moving in tandem with me.
There’s too many pages of lines and thoughts from D that the world never should see.
Every time the pen bleeds,
I gain more insight inevitably.

I made a bad religion out of questioning my worth.
I thought love gave definition to the man that I am.
Even the purest church could wash me clean from these waves full of sins.
I just need to pull myself away from this stagnant stage that I’m in.

Again and again.
I’m saved by the pen.
But also torn by the words.
My heart’s breaking and then
My future and my past throw haymakers like heavyweights in this bitch.
Is this even manhood if my inner child hasn’t had his phases of wins?

I hope that filling these pages with my soul cement my adolescent’s healing. 
Looking at the two hand prints I left in the driveway of my old house and my layers start peeling.

I just need healthier ways to escape from my all that I’m feeling.
The pad and the ocean breezes are my only reprieving. 
Unseen damages erased from the page like messages never sent that I deleted.
All that I can be can’t be all that I’m seeing. 
I kmow that the ink blotches gives my depression’s journey its meaning.
This is a shattered heart giving light to dark nights when my happy is fleeting.
I held on to my demons too long now I think I’m scared to release them.
Or maybe I feel like I need em.
Thinking bout all the blessings I lost since I started to send prayers less frequent.
All the sharpened shards that my soul caught must left my spirit leaking & bleeding.
Too many days in the mirror I can’t seem to find D-Simms.
Did I just misplace him or did I leave him?
My mental guard strengthens as my heart’s walls start to weaken.
Cause I started to accept any and everything, especially things not worth keeping.
Who wants a love that feels like climbing to Everest’s peak?
I want a love I can geek in.
I look love in her face and lost faith in her planted seedlings.
The rotted fruit I was eating fell far from my tree. 
And now whoever I was has been lost for too many seasons. 
Losing myself was self treason. 

I had to learn to conquer my father’s rage.
I had to out grow my mother’s words.
And overcome my young lover’s hurt.
And learn to put in the work.
To grow through these growing pains.
Because we grown now and staying stuck in my troubled ways…
Is simply not on the pages.
This journal’s my only company on my darkest of days.

I abandoned my emotions.
Because I felt like a burden if I showed them.
Now I’m a not so young man that’s still shattered and broken.
But to sit in my heartache doesn’t serve where I’m going.
I use to pull the curtain and isolate in the darkness since I’m lonely.
But these words are written to share my failures and successes of growing.
Keeping pain quiet could make suffering feel quite homely.
I started to trick myself into believing my hurt was my home. 
I thought for certain I was defined by all the heartless stints I was showing.

But I had to protect myself while I healed.
I had to learn to sit still.
Even with laboured breathing during the nights that were sleepless.
I started to believe the state of hurt I was in was needed.
And deserved because of the person i was growing into being.

But watch me now…

The inspiration for this longer piece …

Dancing with the devil has long lost its appeal.
I’m tired of fighting these arduous uphill battles. 
Love humbled me but I should’ve known better.
I know my soul’s been battered.
 
I always did have to learn my lessons the hardest way.
Wish i was spiriting away my problems but i’m scared of who i’d be if i threw my heart away.
I’m also scared of my father’s DNA.
it seems like I’d rather these cycles and circles instead of operating in safer spaces.
I no longer want to feel this pain.
But i know i may be better off as the man it’s making. 

I have a few more mistakes left to make sadly. 
The stakes raise as i age, the margin for error is thinning, and time’s passing.
Repeating regression has no place in my life’s progression.
Aggressive and intentional with my mind’s mending. 

The days faint and waver…
Aint no more saints left to save him 
No more answers from God for my sinner’s prayer.
I will clear a path until i’m seated at the winners table.