Ugly spirited, I no longer shine bright.
We only connect if the emotions run high.
I fend for myself on the everyday otherwise.
Can anyone truly love me when it’s slow going?
If the concrete keeps on pouring then how can the rose grow?

I know this troubled mind is my biggest curse. 
It was only a gift if I didn’t get lost in the hurt.
Backpedaling to my worst.
There’s no one to co author any happier words.
Sitting still no longer heals the scars. I don’t think anything works.
I’m ugly in more ways than one.

I finally stopped having nightmares this past week.
But it seems my biggest fears haven’t passed me.
I pray peace over this journey.
But happiness is as fleeting as these autumn leaves.

Thought I completed the lesson plan.
Just to flip the page and see the message never ends.
I derseve this period of soul damaging.
I deserve knowing I’m lesser than.
another …
winter’s probably the only season that’s meant for Simms.

I wont attach my hancock to these scribbled word.
I only look inwards when the feeling is simmered hurt.
I spewed enough venom to see the damage prevented me from healing her.
Praying the angels still think of me when they walk the earth. 
I could use a guadian to guide me far away from my worst.
Running from myself is the only time I end up first.

I know God probsbly reads these verses.

Post s:

Have you ever been less than?

Less than someone’s best experiences? Less than their happiest? Less than their most exciting love?

I have.

I am.

I live with not being good enough everyday. I’m just not worth it.

Most days the weight of this heartbreak swallows me. Most days I have no energy to pull through.

🙂 🙂 :).

.

Forced healing revealed all my soul’s unsolved mysteries.

I’m an amalgamation of my sins & my attempts to be better than my tainted history.

Life’s greatest gift to me may just be all the pain these battered shoulders lift for me.

Catch me wherever the light’s fading, betting the reaper that I can live this life more blissfully.

I’m worthless we all know it.
I’ve never known somebody to show me love.
I only know the people that show me up…
Laugh in my face.
Hold victories over me I can’t ever replace. 

Because I’m the disposable kind. 
Replaceable …
An unlovable mind .
No place in this world I ever could find.
I keep my battles inside.
I know nobody would ride 
for me.

Every night another terrible dream.
Of the wins another man held over me.
My insecurities. 
The pain I carry.
The pages I rip.
The stories I buried.
Deep within these fracture ribs.

but never mind.
pay no attention to my words like every time.

God would be ashamed of the man I am.

The way I‘ve handled this journey is deplorable.

How do you turn around a fate that is too far gone?

Actually, God would be ashamed of the boy I still am. I’m no man.

My temperament is trash.

My potential has capped.

I’m trash.

My oh my.

these are the words that subconscious voice whispers to me daily. when the the light ones i can share publicly lol.

Busy bullding my withIn dependence.
Because with him I’m standing.
Taller than any obstacle while still reaping the negativity of my karmic sentence.
To tell you what I really mean I have to pen it.
All the self deprecative words was me paying penance.
I know I’m past redemption.
Each poem is my inner sinner’s confessions.

Reflection that rips my heart in two.
I pray to God that I regain all my beautiful.

I’m down to my last prayer.
I’m sure who I was supposed to be has long left here. 

My unhealed soul.
And all the unsurgeoned holes that I bleed through.
I lost a hold of myself through believing that I need you.
I couldnt find God in myself his messaging was see through.
The only place to find the divine was within my own seed’s view..

Couldn’t you hear me when I was screaming?
Or making underhanded deals with my demons? 
I threw the towel in 11 rounds ago but have to keep weary of the damaging schemes.
I stood tall even with my buckling knees.

Starting to remember how to forgive myself.

For staying too long where I didn’t want or need to be.

For putting me last.

For losing sight and a hold of the best parts of me.

For believing I was worthless.

For all the unkind words I’ve spoken and written to me.

For lost moments and ungratefulness.

For putting the pen down too often.

For knowing where certain destructive paths would lead but still walking down them alone.

For living for what I wanted things to be, and struggling to accept all as it was.

For wavering connections with God.

For losing a winnable battle. And trying to win battles I should have been okay win losing.

For all the unplaced and untamed anger I hold.

For the venomous words I’ve spewed.

For days spent in the mirror calling myself an Ugly piece of shit.

For putting dying situations on life support.

For not drinking enough water.

For not reading or creating enough.

For not clearing out my hair and then having to literally lose so much damn volume.

For not exploring all the things that make ME happy.

For chasing too many sunsets and not living enough days.

For stagnancy , and lethargy.

For not exploring more music.

For the prayers I keep inside instead of just sending them to the ether.

For all the days I feel like I needed …

For not loving myself while I lived in the absence of love…

I’m not good enough. I haven’t been . I may never be.

I’m not enough.

I have to be honest with myself.

What kind of man am I? Not the one I wanted myself to be. Far from it. Far from a provider. Far from a giver of peace. Closer to the things I hate than to becoming what I expect of myself.

Who could love who I am?

I’m angry. Ashamed. Embarrassed. Broken…

Bye :).