You can break my heart if you want. 
A million times over. 
I was a punching bag and I showed Her.
I know i’d be better off as a loner.
the pain is as dark as I wrote it.

I hope my spirit rests with no regrets. 
I hope the beauty you find in yourself is powered by you alone.
But if you need me I hope you find me in all the little things. 
In the spaces where coincidence and timing align too perfectly.

I hope she finds the power in calling herself her own home. 
I hope the universe takes it easy on all the damaged seedlings I would leave.
And replenishes them with my scattering energy.  
But only if tomorrow starts without me.

But since I occupy your today. 
Even if through these words alone.
Cherish the package i’m presenting. 
And I promise to protect and honour all of yours. 
Because i hope the premise of this prompted poem is yet still a distant thought.

The malice took a chokehold of my soul when i need it most.
I lost all sight of the man i wanted to be.
Negative tendencies became my only remedy.
It’s just me and the man i’ve never have been.


I reach out for a hand that was interlocking with five different fingers.
There’s no place for me on these stormy seas.
The only picture I could paint is one of comparing myself to the man I never could be.
I know a lot of key ingredients are missing from the recipe.
If her dinner plate is sat adjacent to me.

I know I’m not the man that she misses.
Or the man she wants her life partner to be.
Can I at least receive a little honesty please?

I’m relearning myself through all these low extremes.
Whatevers below “rock bottom” is where you find me hiding.
I dont wanna let this feeling consume me or to define me.
There’s no changing all the damage i’ve seen. 
It’s time to let go of the man I never could be. 

And find a champion in the mirror.
And be okay with learning every lesson I’ve been scared of.
I have to accept that shit happens and now love myself fearlessly. 
And erase the man I never have been from the front pages of my memory. 

P.S.

It’s time to start running. Time to stop hoping that things could have been different than what they were. They weren’t. People were who they showed themselves to be. Pain was unbearable at times. But now you’re on the other side. Hoping and praying that if it was different it would be okay won’t change what has been done. Stop giving CPR to a death that is already done. Let the rotten things rot. And nurture the newly germinated seedlings. And instead of running away, wishing you could go back and get it right, or trying to ignore it hoping it stays hidden David…. Man up and take the steps to overcome the past. For you. For a better future. For those few true good moments you can still make in this life. For second chances. But make sure you claim the second chance and refuse to make the same mistakes again. The work is hard. The road is bumpy. The hills are “sexy bum hill” high. But what’s any of that to a man who touched Thorongla Pass?

The past doesn’t have to define you. It can guide you, strip you, teach you, break you. But today is the day to build…. To mold your future.

I lost contact with myself.
Pouring my soul into the wrong vessels.
I’m a shell of who I was in my better mental. 
Felt like I needed you. 
Wish I could free myself from the cycles of harshness.
I know now that I was the only one giving a real loving.
I realize that there’s no place for me but the sadness and darkenss.

I guess loving me taught her what loving isn’t.
It’s not the task she sees loving me as. 
And it’s not a prison.
I’m empty calories and I’m sure he’s the whole pyramid.

Maybe i should turn a blind eye to the things that hurt me.
It seems to be the only way to keep from receiving more hurting.
Surely nobody would ever find the person behind The Fewture worth it.
I should just smile and wave and give blessings to my curses.

I don’t even know who I am anymore. 
I stand at the shore…
unsure of my place in this depressive world.
I keep pace yet still get left behind.
I’m less than the average guy.

I found heaven on earth.
Yet hell is what she puts me through.
The seas around me are painted a lil less blue. 
True love may end up being something I never knew.
Played me like the flute.

I find you in every grain of sand.
In the way the waves push and pull with the limestone cliff face. 
In how the sunset paints the sky.
You define my "why".
I've never known  something as pure as loving you.
I want to honour you in the way that husbands do. 
I find you in a cool breeze on these hot summer days.
In the shower that cleanses my day away.
For your good loving I'm waiting.
Awake.
Attentive. 
You're smile is the only thing i have in my life's planner.
I hope I'm doing right by you.

I lay my brokenness at Heaven’s Gates. 
I’m seeing the work that it’ll take.
To heal the shattered boy still within me.
I need to put his scattered pieces back in place.
I sit still and let the wind dry the tear streaks to my face.
Revisiting my darkest of mental spaces.

I have to leave a scent of warmness and light.
And tuck my demons to bed with positivity and sweet goodnights.
I stare my self in the mirror and what I see, I don’t like.
I’m the self destruction type.
Death to this demonic device. 
That leaves endless scrolling as my permanent vice.

I hope the angels see me and let me know i’ll be alright.
I’m preparing for the long night.
Because the storm is right here.
And hiding inside won’t stop the damage from occurring around me. 
I need to go back to my foundation and build up more soundly.
Start one brick at at time removing the empty skeleton of the soul that I’m finding. 

My calm interior is raging now.
These pages are stained with, tears and fear as a lay about. 
I am massively ashamed of who I am.

 

I’m a last resort and the last option.
I can’t remember the last time I operated within where the love is.
Choosing David is a path that just doesn’t exist.
Them together was always the better outfit.

Nobody could put their money where their mouth is. 
Not when it comes to me and my shit.
I carry it alone but I hold no boeing engine.
The fruits of my labour rot even before they start ripening. 
The tune of my mind is always on “depression type beat”.
Other people always become the deluminator to my lighting.
because I give too much of my fracturing psyche.