My neck's sore from the steady downward gaze.
I'm scared to look mother earth in her face.
My spirit's riddle with shame.
From staying locked in the pain.
Where did the love go? I must've threw it away.
I use to be a mover , a shaker.
But now my feet are seasoned with malaise.
And where did the time go? My night collides with the days.
I asked the reaper to pay up.
I'm refusing to stay stuck.
Saturdays (sadder days)
No one told me that the rail holding me up was on loose hinges.
I'm operating at my sanity's fringe.
My hands click the pen top more than they clasp in prayer these days.
Morning nights stay.
Theybleed into the morning because I can never slip into a deep sleep.
Searching for release.
They never told me it was up to me to save me.
I always believed in loving angels.
But where does the love go when communication becomes unstable?
Do we ever forget the pain of our sloppy lover's tango?
Lifetimes
Our bodies wrote this poem.
There’s more space between you and the edge of the bed than there is between our two skins.
Each time I lose my train of thought you finish the sentiment. Like a conductor guiding the weight of my freight back into its peaceful tracks.
I want to argue like my grandparents argued. Did we buy this shirt in Montreal or New York? Did you eat my last dinner roll? I washed the dishes last night but I’ll do it again today to save your beautiful hands the stress.
The remedies that love gives from growing older together.
I knew your baby faced late teens like I know the perfection of your mid-twenties.
The further I am from you the closer I am to empty.
It’s like my palms were made to caress the folds of your grandeur.
The entirety of God’s majesty exists in your creation.
I’m unafraid of this union unless our together looks like Together.
What would a day be without your sunrise ?
If the world ended tonight at least I knew heaven within my lifetime.
Tbh
I always pick at my hearts healing scabs. Fresh wounds stay fresh too long because I wade in their damaging wake. Like oh we’re feeling better today? Have I not thought about the list of things that trouble me? Because who would I be without their companionship?
The fast track to self sabotage or the lomg road to healing? I walk the former. It’s making my steps lethargic. I sleep less and think more. I smile less and feel more. I shut myself off to protect myself from everything. I’ve learned to want less. Especially, since nothing wants me.
Grief is Invisible
Low of the day
There isn't enough time to heal a fractured heart.
Who told me these bandaid methods could hold my sanity?
It's like i got caught in quicksand but then stopped sinking with just my head afloat.
I wonder if it'd have been me instead would the world be a slightly better place?
My tears fall into the empty spaces anyway.
My muffled cries fade before they reach the ears I'd want to hear them.
My pain's invisible because I laugh it off with a jester's temperament.
I find pieces of myself floating in the Toronto city wind.
I lose pieces of myself biting my tongue at work.
I work at peaceful solutions cause a lighter journey is what we all deserve.
And when I think that maybe I could be happy *one day*.
I realize my foundation is more causarina root than concrete base.
Have I eaten yet today?
Should I pray for better days?
I wish I could've paid death's debt and heard your laugh today.
Do we truly meet again in atomic form?
Is it as peaceful as we all hope for?
Did something grander come on the other side life's closed door?
Carry me into your happiest space.
I promise it's safe for me to reside there.
We exist in a time when love is a transaction.
And we treat each other like time shares.
Likes and a text are seen as effort.
And physical time is rare.
Online attention is enough but showing up in every moment is nothing.
I'm still trying to learn you everyday
You are where the angels stay.
Subway tracks
Wisdom doesn't come cheap .
It comes from a body spent with damages.
And the deepest wounds covered with dollarama bandages.
And dreamimg of presence through painful absences.
This journey is a constant search to reactivate my happiness.
Would it be blasphemous to ask to see God's master planner?
I use to worry about what comes after but now im worried that you sit waiting with empty answers.
I'm at my calmest during disaster.
And start to drowing when it quiets down.
Wearing my black with pride now.
And learning quietness isn't always manners.
Cause some mfs actually need to be put in their place.
And misplaced words remind me I'm not as numb to this as I thought.
So I lie and go on brave, since that's a lighter cost.
And I hide it just because.
I have no space for heavier discourse.
My face a blank slate hiding the straining weight.
Throw my screams into the crashing waves.
And let a Black Bay sunset wash the pain away.
I keep conversation for the wordpress pages.
Writing saves me from decaying.
These posts are a freeze frame.
Small vibrant moments of captured mind states.
Wrote this om the subway home from work.
To someome like me
Pour love into the things that pour into you. It’s all so important. If you’re pouring into an empty cup step back until the time is right. Or remove yourself completely. Sometimes the best option is to let someone find the ways to plug their own leaks. Its better to protect yourself immediately than to have to sulk in the aftermath of all the damage you endured.
Stay up
.
Wish i was the one , for the one that’s my one.
We keep hurt tucked in the torn pages.
Pain turned us to strangers.
Tryna to keep a few paces ahead of my bleak fate.
Folding
You were my known peace.
In the days my mantra was no peace.
I wouldn't have known love if it was shown to me.
Is anyone proud of who I've grown to be?
The journey's feeling lonely.
Am I more than what actions had told me?
Dream Big 