Dream Big

This is my only reprieve.  
Maybe you can be the ocean and i can be the breeze.
Maybe i could unpack your mental burden and lift it with ease.
Maybe my prayers are the spiritual fighting that you need.
Maybe if you could build the house then i would be the deed. 
Maybe your happiness is elevated if experienced with me? 

The sun feels o’ so good today. The only food my soul has been fed in quite a while. The sun may be the only this in this universe that truly loves me. The only thing that unselfishly gives to me. Because some people will try to convince you that love is selfish. Some people will only love the love and attention that you give to them and not the person giving the love. The sun will show up for me always. Even during the storm the sun is fighting hard to shine again. To remind me that I’m loved. In a way no one person will ever fight for me. In a way no single person will ever love me.

It’s crazy how drastically a little bit of sunshine can shift my whole mood. I really do owe a lot to her. The way she lays to rest each night is one of the most beautiful things in the world. I give thanks. I haven’t felt warm since idk when. But today something feels a little bit lighter. Maybe this is healing. Not feeling the weight of everything always. Being loved by the sun.

Sometimes I just want to fade into the nothingness that I’ve always been.

I’m working towards establishing a new me. Gone are the days like today. Days when people use me for their gain and only offer a “are you mad”? Then I laugh it off to save the other person. To save them from my pain and anger. To save them from knowing they hurt me. And I climb this mountain of sadness alone. Carrying this rucksack of my brokenness. But the load never gets lighter. It just gets more heavy. I unpack one bit of pain and then I see another broken piece of me that has to be picked up and added to my bag. And each step of this mountain gets more tiring. And every time a little sunlight peaks through the cloudy skies…. A storm rolls over my horizon. So I am going to throw this version of me off the cliff . And see what’s left of me when I revisit rock bottom. If nothing’s left all the better. If some parts survive so be it. But say your goodbyes to the David that you know now.

I’m drowning in rejection.
I wonder if there’s any place in this world for me.
i feel like a disease. 
Why would anything or anybody ever desire me? 
I’m not who they hoped i would be.
i’m just silly ol irrelevant me.