I had to learn to be willing to be everything to my person.
to strip my self down to the purest of my abilities to love.
Just as I had to learn to navigate my imperfections.
reflections of harsh lessons,
big bro had to learn first hand.
And I could only sit back and imagine,
through vicarious impressions 
the pain and punishment that would've left a growing black male shattered.
Closed fist fits, 
from the ashy lipped antagonist.
I had to watch and learn which bridges were made of fragile glasses.
and to learn which relationships were molded fastly, 
but also which ones were tempered and tested ,
to outlast the destructive imagines of separation I knew. 
the ones that I had mastered, by 16 in s2.
Which foundations were rock steady or which the Big Bad wolf could've blew.
Thunderous arguments,
my parents probably though I was too young to have a grasp of it.
but i was always a smart kid!
and seeing my pops swing on the police is implanted and everlasting 
just like the laughs from my friends the next day, 
maybe they were just being kids or maybe they wanted to shower me with embarrassment. 
Cold shivers, from the nights my problems went untucked. 
and a bed time story was never enough to undo the damages. 
which is Why when I was in my early twenties I was so afraid of commitment 
because I didn't believe in the Hollywood imagine that love could be truly everlasting,
and I was scared to fail my first love.
just as my first vision of love had failed me.
but i had to continually rise above the imperfection that I found in my surroundings. 
I remember my first court date wasn't the one that I had brought upon myself. 
But one of ripping a family apart. 
Cheap dollar store tape holding the pieces of my heart in place.
some pieces never replaced and still lost til this very date.
But those are the pieces I heal though you. 
the parts of me I never knew were imperfect
until i found myself being the very imperfections i wished weren't true.

There’s something endearing about her soul glow.

The journey to get to our destination was silent. Not necessarily awkward, but it seemed like forever since we had last seen each other. We both tease at conversation but finding the words to fill the smaller spaces elude us. So much had changed in the both of us. But our love remains unmatched. Healthier and happier. But our spirits a bit worn down from a challenging year. Barely, thawed out from a raw winter. Her skin glows.

The journey to get to our destination was loud. Full of ups and downs. Learning the hard way to be the best possible partners to each other. Five years strong. And strong is the foundation we stand on because the battles we overcame to build it were immense at times. Our love is no Casuarina though. Our roots run deep. Undamaged by the hurricane of life lessons. Withstanding the test of time. Until we seed the fruits of our labours come to be. We worked and tilled our grounds. We trimmed our hedges. We continually water ourselves. And nurture each other’s leaves. Our gardens bare the sweetest fruit. As ripe as her breathe tends to be. Her aura shines bright.

The journey to our destination was conversational. Dec 10^th 2022 will be five years. And five years feels like it’s much shorter than I’d want us to be together. I want us to be at a lifetime. But why miss the conversations that will fill our hearts when we’re old and crusty. Why miss karaoke nights singing Stay ready. Or movie marathons. Or having to rewind the show because our conversation distracted us form 30 minutes. Why miss the love of food. Why Miss Starting our day right to “The Partys Just Begun”.  Why miss the conversations with aunties on Front Street. Why miss THE LOVE OF FOOD. Flannies, Rosas, Rotisserie, Speciality and dookistar. And the occasional chunk that shoots across the room as bullet spray because we are so eager to continue our life’s conversation that we can’t take the time to sit and chew our food. Why miss the pain in our necks as we watch Nope. The petty disagreements.  Her everything is beautiful.

The journey was 6 hour skype calls, but it was also me calling you from a rootop in Nepal, and us discussing how we disliked the food on a rooftop in New York. It was us walking at dark through the Southampton trails and us walking up sexy bum hills. It was us. It is love. It is an ever-developing story. With a beginning of me wasting money on Pasta Basta. With a middle we will always be writing because I never want the conversation to end. I will never be afraid to express my love for you. You’re the one for me. Her smile is spellcasting.

The journey to our destination was a stand up comedy show. And not the underground one in Toronto where the host forces us to participate. But the one where you laugh until your belly hurts. Where you blurt out a throaty HAH because you’re caught off guard. Where the jokes hit randomly but also are perfectly timed. Where you’re in tune and can’t find the light in each other’s story. Where her humour warms my soul.

There’s something endearing about never reaching the destination with her. Because why should this end?

In every problem lies a poem.
The story of our lives.
Our futures.
The intertwining of atoms 
As thoughts become something tangible.
The pad plays therapist. 
Yet i remain me.

In every damaged seed.
There’s a poet’s words tilling the grass.
Working the fields anew.
Sewing through thoughts of destruction,
As much as a raven wills itself to grow back from its ashes.
A path paved to be washed anew.

Because in every poem,
We exorcise our problems. 
We escape.
We heal.
From tough loves and tougher lessons.
We live.
We are the highs and the lows.
We stain pages.
The pen and the heart flow in tandem.

And in my every poem Lies me.
This bittersweet history.
Splintered pieces of my memory. 
The pen blowing fixes into my corruption.
Like how we’d blow into old memory cards.
Here lies a man working through his issues.
A force to be reckoned with.
On a path to his own greatness.
A PROBLEM.

This part of the journey is a focus on intentionality. To make use of my developing skills and really take the time to enrich myself in all the ways i want to.

Intentionally making time for myself to develop myself.

Self love.

Self care.

Self.

Meet me at the place where the sun rises.
The possibilities are endless.
The moments stretch beyond 
What i could ever yearn for.
Azeb.
Stay with me until the sun sets.
And our forever ends.
We wont ever have to make it there though.
Because true horizons never come.
Just stay true. 

Card maxed on all the sin we purchasing.
Practiced destructive ways,
Til my mental was tied to where the hurting lives.
Criticized myself until i was broke and confused.
What if my darkest days, led me to the brightest ways to make it through. 

Im thanking you for the part you played,
A glimpse of happy on my mental stains.
You saved the day.
Like blowing in a ps2 memory card.
The sun peaking through the clouds.
Nimbus streaking, carrying my hopes & ambitions.
My depressions is in remission.
Blink twice if you okay?

I plan to Steep in the july sun as it burns the pain away.
If you with me i’ll carry your load like  Boeing wings.
Train track wondering ,On my off days .
natures where i found my wings and hide my lesser themes.

Moving in silenece yet succes is still my mission.
Dave simmons.
Crazy how the better days could have your skin glistening.
Glowing.
Me and my past mistakes at a Dissidence.
Human conditioning.
That Maybe making through is all we have left in it.

The sun took its time when shining on you. 
I thank God for the image of you that he drew.
I’m just renting moments of your eternity.
I’d be high just off a minute or two.
Moments with you are pieces of my contentment 
Pieces of My happy.
Its more sweet when the fruit ripens unexpectedly.
Put you on my wallpaper,
Put you on my mood board.
When my mood sours youre the one that I would move toward.
My black queen. 
To protect you comes at no cost.
Seen you rise up against all odds.
The better answered prayer I presented before God.
I promise to be you armor and your Guard.

Your are as constant as time is.
A constant reminder of better ways to spend my timing.
In due time i’m sure your print will be a constant on my mind space.
Im in a constant debate on if this is right or if I’m time wasting?
Waiting patiently as the better days become a constant on my time statement.

What am i?
If not moments passing through the night sky?
The sins of my past.
Divine timing,
But mostly at the wrong time.
Seismic pusling in my chest.
The calling for more’s enthralling but stresses me.
Shoulders burdened by me Stalling my destiny.

What am I?
If not A tear from the sun. 
Mother earth breathing life.
But it’s as if her breath Was not a sigh of relief…
But more like a huff of “what the fucks?”
And reasons to be sorry. 
And “The better days are coming so don’t you dare worry”. 

The fields of passion I planted 
And tilled and worked. 
I am just starting to see the fruits of.
In contrast.

The split in my mind.
This battle im fighting.
I’m no more than a wrinkle in time.
My divine blessing arriving. 

I absorb the experiences.
The black boy urge for Every attempt to get this right. 
But if we only get one lifetime.
Is it really worth the lies 
The lies i tell myself?
The lies i choose to believe?

Godless.
Lost.
But that’s what you get when you stick with me.
I bet God would just chuckle with shame if I walk into his meet and greet. 
My worst Nightmare.
My Better Dadydreams. 
Glad to be here.
The pleasures of being D.
27 cycles around the sun.
Let’s be the cycle breakers we were meant to be.