I.

I could write myself as the person i wanted to be. The person i need when i’m down on my knees. Hands raised like the villain that’s facing defeat.

Hands raised like God had forsaken me. But hands raised means i’m calling out to them?

I could write myself as everything that isn’t the darker parts of my history. Everything light and bubbly. But we’re all hurting to some degree.

Some of us hurt each other. Some of us hold hurt until it causes us to lash out. Or tuck it deeper within.

Some of us write to be new people. To live vicariously through our fictional selves. But the way outta this place for me is to write everything I am.

Everything that crushes me. Eveything that reminds me i’m human and i’m hurting too. Everything that connects me atomically to all. Truth.

I also write everything that makes me. I write her into everything because she has taken my soul to places that are beyond the words i could say. And beyond the things i can express anywhere but here. She literally is what Black Girl Magic means.

And i know that protecting her Beautiful black soul is a hard task. One that will crush me. One that will remind me that i’m human. But i’m up for every challenge. And i’m up to “volunteering as tribute”. I’m up to making sure she knows we are connected through all.

She is my truth.

Just as writing is my truth.

I thank God and the Universe for providing me the words to write my true feelings.

P.s. if you’re reading this drop a comment let me know you’ve been here.

P.s.s. If you’re her… thank you for being you.

~Dave 2022

As i sink will you dive in to catch me?
Or were you even gonna let me know i was slipping in the first place?
In precise words
Maybe you were sinking too and i didn’t let you know either. 
No we’re stuck in the quicksand
And sticking together like glue.

Peace to us who struggle together. 
Check in our your strongest friends it can only help them get better. 

The antagonist of this chapter of my life is the same person that greets me in the mirror each morning.
A lie of large proportions that “everything will be okay” whispered as we pass each other by.
But yet I’m smaller than i was, even smaller that the days i was at the foothills of Ginesh Himal crying out. 
I’m smaller than an ant, but with the strength of an ant i’ll carry on.
Navigating the bombs of self-destruction.
And the toppled over file cabinet of my memory bank. 
And the fraying strings of my mental.
I hold on to threads of my former self. 
Because how else can i sew a future
Navigating avalanches.
The beat i dance to is like a poem within a poem

“Heaven sent messages
The connection we made is as important as my afternoon nap is.
Ive been trying to get back in.
Back into a place where my smile is genuine”

The path i forge with my pen is towards freedom.
Freedom from the binds of loneliness and depression.
One single message to those that care that i’ll be alright. 
Even if i’m not going to be alright.
In every poem a problem is solved.
Writing’s the best solvent. 
And this shit is coming full circle for me.
I’m unavailable.
My minds on DND.
Please don’t even wait for the *beep*.

I discard secrets on the pages left unpublished.
A contract between me and the universe to keep ‘em hidden.
The pad is the place of my purest healing.
She sometimes may even keep me livin’.
Shes a reminder of 2017’s memories,
And a keeper of my fewture visions.
My largest supporter,
But also the place that holds my deepest fissures.
The pad plays therapist,
Luckily the sessions are freedom.

The words i wanna write are like the sentence thats on the tip of your tongue.

Or the task you set out to do but forget as soon as you start to do it.

We’ll get there though.

Tethering heartbeats.
Hands calloused from working to build this love anew. 
From surgically stitching together the words I choose.
I write to put you on a permanent pedestal. 
To give you full blossoms like you just won an olympic event. 
To have Something that I can fall back on like black elders to psalms 23. 
Your love’s like Christmas dinner, fulfilling and sweet. 
Your loves like the first dip of the summer. 
A reminder that the better things are sometimes the most simple pleasures.
It’s the reason this black boy has the urge to break all the curses he’d otherwise fall victim to. 
I’d like to have a book about you that I can read back when we’re old at 92. 
Of all the times I chose to write that I loved you.
Of all the times I could be the best version of a man and partner that I could be. 
Because writing’s the best solvent.
And it’s Solving the worst parts of my dark history, until the dark memories are just glitched patches in my memory, that I can’t find because my mind is full of you and me, and happiness, and 2023 being another year we grow stronger, and 1:25am blogs posts are equivalent to a 3am “i miss you text” because time differences and busy lives sometimes get in the way of me being able to shower you with the love that’s bundled up inside these words. 
And sometimes my words escape me. 
And that’s when I’m most vulnerable.
Because what more can I offer.

Time waits for no man. Slow down and take it the beauty in all that’s around you. To connect with those who matter to you and shower them with appreciation. You never know how far just letting someone know they’re loved could get them. The hurdles you could help them endure. I will forever be a burden sharer for the ones that need me most.

Time waits for no man. We are so rushed to accomplish everything we want in a short time. We even end chasing things that aren’t running away from us. Slow down and evaluate. Take time for whats valuable for you. And give time to those things. 10 minutes a day for your most valued things means you gave them at least an hour of your week. Make time to really connect with yourself and connect with what makes you happy.

Time waits for no man. Don’t sit and wallow in things that don’t serve you. We may only have one life so constantly renew your environment. Shed the dead skin so your newness can glow. Water the dying flowers of passions you thought of letting go. Till the grass of the seeds of skills you want to develop. When the fruits of your labour start to grow you’ll be better for it.

Time waits for no man. I can’t sit here and tell myself these things and not put them into practice. So i always aim to start today. Even if i fail… then i aim to start the day after. Constantly reminding me to work on myself.

Time waits for no man. Fall deep. Fall 100% why be afraid of what could happen? The worst that can happen is that it doesn’t work out. And yeah it hurts and it feels like time was wasted. But the journey isn’t always kind. Time isn’t always forgiving. I’m imperfect. I struggle. I’m a terrible partner. A terrible friend.

Time waits for every man. Your time is your time alone. Protect it. Nurture it. Fuck it.. waste it sometimes. It’s okay to spend an hour relaxing and doing nothing. Use it to pamper yourself. Use it to explore nature. You it to make love to the love of your life. Time is our own special relationship with the universe around us. Nothing’s promised. Do what you love. I’m grateful for all and any time I can spend with My girlfriend. Any time i spend writing my book. Any time i spend playing games with my friends. Even if those things allot me no time.

I’m ever grateful for the universe for blessing me in this chaos.

I’m ever grateful to God for watching over me.

I’m ever grateful to my future wife if she’s reading this. She saves me and I just hope i’m doing right by her.

Lets have us an ogg boi winter for the TIME Being.

~Steve Lacy’s: Give you The World

I move as the seasons changes. Becoming the cold. Winter fitting the change if my inner spirit.

I’ve turned myself away from the faith that once defined me. I still believe in a creator. And that there is truth in all religion. But what truth is mines to claim.

My soul warms as I see her grow. I will never tire of writing of the biggest blessing I have found in life. The most amazing soul. Someone who is blazing a path ahead as bright as the sun so it’s impossible to not get caught in her gravity. The most beautiful, precious, delicious human on earth.

People be asking me “When you getting married?” Like shit i would if i could but I’m a broke boy. But also, What could I give other than a broken version of myself to love.

The thing is my faith’s destroyed. I want there to be more for me in this life. I write to relieve myself of the pressures i put on myself. The ideals of being a man that I feel i have to live up to.

To relieve myself of all the things i’ve said and done that will never be forgiven. i can only hope that the God will forgive me when all is said and done. I can only hope the universe will be easy in its karma. That the chaos won’t crash in on me too heavily.

I am lonely. In spirit. In my discomfort. I call out and don’t doubt you’re there. But i understand that this is a period that maybe I’ll just have to reconnect with myself. That you won’t be there to help me.

I can’t recall the last time I felt you truly helped me. Maybe putting Mya in my path in 2017 was the biggest of my prayers that you answered. And maybe in a sense she in a reflection of all the things you want me to learn. Because to be a good partner is to walk closer to your light as i learn to be a better man. The lessons she teaches me , and the shortcomings I find in myself maybe have been the things you wanted me to know.

As i write, maybe this is a true reflection of my heart that i didn’t expect to come forth tonight.

I thank you God regardless. Cause maybe thats a crazy train of thought.

I thank the universe for its guidance. For presenting me with my light. For giving and asking nothing more than for me to exist in each moment.

The here.

The now.

I’ve always believed that the two was all i ever had.

The now. Nothing deserves more attention that whatever it is I’m constantly doing. Give everything 100% effort and approach everything with the spirit of a toddler, curious and full of excitement. Every moment a chance to fully experience something new. Even if i’ve done it before. I haven’t done it before like this. With today’s knowledge.

The here. To focus on the present. I’ve failed at relieving myself of holding too harshly on to the past. I’ve been letting my mistakes define how i view myself. Instead of using the past as a tool to teach myself, i’ve held onto it like a weight dragging a fish hook into the depths of the pressures of the vast sea of life.

But for the first time I’m excited for the future. To see her again and embrace in all that is good in the world. To grovel in the presence of the most beautiful essence of life. To years and lifetimes that could be spent together. to the best version of me supporting the best version of her and i can only hope that i’m doing that right now today.

Because loving hard, is exactly that…

Hard

There are scars and bruises and way too many opportunities to lose. And only a few to get it right before you lose it.

But if you live in fear of losing you miss the beauty of the present. The here. The now.

Experiencing everything in its entirety even these hard, colder times when winter fits your spirit best.

~kendrick lamar – mirror

Let me leave one of the quotes that defined the years of my largest growth :

“Life is a bit like hiking: the journey only requires you to put one foot in front of the other…. Again and again and again. And if you allow yourself the opportunity to be present throughout the entirety of the trek. You will witness beauty every step of the way, not just at the summit.” ~unknown

I will let this quote guide my years end and see where it leads me in 2023.

This is one of those time that I look in the mirror and don’t notice the man staring back at me.

I can’t tell if thats a good thing or a bad thing.

The level of discomfort i’m feeling is sure to push me past whatever boundary is making me uncomfortable in the situation i’m in.

But i’m constantly down. With no reflections of me or the things I like around me. Nothing i can turn to.

Isolated.

I won’t paint this as a bad thing. Just a period of my life that will be challenging. Another test for me to overcome. Or crumble under and fail.

I’ve disappointed myself many times over in my 20s and right now I feel like I might be leaving them behind with more regrets than not.

I will probably push myself further into isolation because that’s just how I am.

My future is mines to mold.

Yet i have no certainty in anything past Dec 20th.

27 and I still don’t know where my talents lie or what to make of myself.

I need that Dr Bronner’s peppermint cleanse of my soul.
Whatever is on the other side of this discomfort.
Whether thats a tether to make me whole.
Or me isolated and alone. 
I just need the sign that I’m traveling down the right road.