Only my pen knows the pain that I carry.
I'm sure Heaven's seen the demons I've sat and played cards with.
On the dark days I needed peace
I doubted my bond with Jesus.
Sin felt like the most satisfying release.
I couldn't believe it, self sabotage felt needed.
The work to break too heavy a bond
Left me with scars, I was spiritually bleeding.
My confidence was fleeting.
I felt like 2013 Simms.
You ever felt your biggest blessing slip through your grip?
I feel so many evil eyes peering at me.
Prying at these rusty latches
I put in place to keep my false sense of happy.
Cause good times come in blotches and patches.
I write for relaxment.
But end up dweilling too heavy on the past.
Imner
Let's build a love with calm hands.
The type of hands that could sew my heart's grandest fissures.
I'm talking a patiently painted picture.
I pray to magnify God within us.
Little scrimmages fixed with care,
Healing the inner.
Planting
I'm tryna cushion the fall of wherever your heart's landing.
There's no need for it to shatter if I'm in your presence.
I've seen you grow your petals from buds to a garden that's well managed.
I'm only leaving it up to God's planning if I'm also digging my hands in.
And working to till the ground for the precious seeds that you're planting.
You're the rich earth, the water, the sunlight, and the flower pot I'd hope to grow my spiritual plants in.
Yayard
We neglect the ones that love and need us most.
Its easy to overlook the effort thats given if you see it evrtyday.
Love. Live. Laugh. While your heart still beats.
Do the things you want and rekindle lost dreams.
Pour yourself into things that fill you.
Love hard.
Life is fleeting but the moment doesn’t have to be.
Subway Ride Words
Does our soul glow diminish
Anytime we let the devil win?
Letting toxic energies blend within me.
Mixed ideologies with someone I would never want to be.
No more summer scaffold days no more savoring Sargosso breezes.
Wipe my eyes anytime they get to dampening.
My mind tenses thinking only of grimmer endings.
Took a peek over the edge.
And lost his ashes to the wind.
I guess I'd rather feel the loss
Than lose any momentary wins.
Compressing gears and pushing nearer.
Drag my heart against its will.
And make sure I fill it deep with healing.
Losing her is my only fear.
I'm tiptoeing around my wits brim.
I wrote this on a whim.
It takes real stregnth to look within.
And see all the ways the demons worked to dim me.
The next few years I better hope to enjoy the trip.
Because my happiness had grown thinner.
No more "faking it" left to spare.
Cupid spesred me through the heart and it took two years to find the clearing.
It's hard as fuq at times out here.
Especially walking around wearily.
Scared to let anyone near to me.
Even scared to look in mirrors Because I hate who I appear to be.
Out there
Where do I find the love if everything inside me is destroyed?
Is there any out in the world for a damaged soul like mine?
Does love reside solely in the prayers I shout into the night sky?
Was I ever the right guy or her right time?
Did my hands hold her down in the right kind of way?
There's never a day I'm happy in my own skin.
Sometimes I pray it all goes away.
Other times I push harder for a win.
Random thoughts of course
My hands are bound to her heart.
I have to be careful of the movements I make.
I love intentionally.
I want to suture whatever fractures her spirit holds.
I want to push the pulse of her passions until she falls into everything she is meant to be.
I thank God that she was sent to me.
Solid Gold
You are the nourishing sun.
And the warm sunset.
Calming ocean waters.
And the river that flows nutrients into my soul.
How we ever crossed paths is only something God knows.
Don’t mind Me
Me and the maker are debating daily.
I found too much weakness in my search for heaven.
I surpressed anger and hid away.
This path I'm on couldn't possibly be in the planning.
I couldn't have been meant to hold this much damage?
Sometimes it's harder to undeestand it...
So I let Go
Missing
What makes me difficult, or rather near impossible, to love?
I understand mostly that there’s too many pieces missing to the puzzle that completes the complex being that I am.
To start there’s the seemingly immposible to grab self confidence that I’ve lost the past few years. Sometimes I catch hold of it in the sunshine or when my favourite song plays on shuffle. But then it blows with the wind. As fickle and fleeting as strigns of good weather on these stormy summer days.
Then there’s everything that I never will be. All the ways I can’t compare and all the other ways I fall short. All the ways I fall short in love and the lack of ability to bring pleasure. The nightmares that haunt me everynight and the daydreams that plague me when my mind drifts. Dark thoughts are permanent and lighter thoughts are timed family visits. Which probably plays out in the way I carry myself and interact with the world around me. I couldn’t blame the world for showing me I’m impossible to love since I can’t hold a consistent stream of love flowing into myself.
Dream Big 