Alone and Abandoned.
My soul took on damage,
So i don’t know who I am.

Alone and Abandoned.
my mind’s off the planet,
I call out for it to come back,
but he doesn’t know who i am.

Alone and Abandoned.
my spirit cannot manage.
the constant dance with the devil,
the demons for sure know who i am.

Someone alone and abandoned.
An easy target for bending, 
they keep me stuck in this rut 
of wishing i could be just like them.

They’re feel alone and abandoned.
hurt souls hurt souls too.
that’s the found messaging. 
That’s the reasoning they laugh in your face,
and their worst is still better than. 

so stay alone and abandoned.
and build yourself up from this shredding.
and find worth in yourself,
because you’re disposable to everyone.
you deserve all the sleepless nights, 
and panicked emotions, 
and the whispers of death,
and positive words getting stuck in your throat again,
and the tears and the tears, 
cries when you hardly can breathe, 
and for there to feel there’s no way out,
because this is David’s karma you see.
you creep….

Sometimes i found myself wishing i was him.

That’s the rabbit hole i lost myself spiraling down.

Too caught in the moment to look within.

And find my worth because i felt my time was up.

I lost all comfort in my skin.

Gave of myself until my spirit shredded.

Maybe it’s natural when somebody else comes along and does it better with no effort.

The summer spiral had my mind hectic.

When I was wishing i was him.

I tore myself down at every moment.

My self hatred was potent.

How could anyone love me when I lost myself to destructive motives.

Then I wished someone would see me.

And show my value in my existence.

That didn’t come either.

So back i spiraled down in the trash tendencies i was wishin.

Soul splittin.

Mind ruptured.

I packed my self/love up in the cupboard.

I let it sit collecting dusts.

Wanting to be wanted with carnal lust.

Or to be wanted in any way.

Connecting the things i packed away back to my self believe that gone astray.

I step into this next month…

Finding it hard to be me.

To break away from ‘worthless’

To no longer convince myself i was worth-less.

Kk

Comment how you practice self love. Or how you bring yourself out of self hating practices? And what saves you?

I deserved all the pain I received.
I took all of the rotten seeds.
I made sure to plant your garden anew.
Not realizing all along the rotten seeds were causing me to rot through.
Through and through I found myself underneath the bottom of dirty shoes.
Stomped out and bled thin,
until my darkness and pain, heartbreak, and self-hate were all that my heart knew.
My best days, were still less appealing than the worse pains and ways that were uncouth.
Someone should’ve told me my heart couldn’t take a shattering this bad,
then still be put back together again with only scotch tape and hot glue.
Dutty Dispose, the epithet because summer told me take my happy and my dreams with me and just throw them in the dump too.
Too many days I spend with nightmares again and life blues.
3am my best friend now I know I’m not like you.
I’m the bottom of the social ladder,
so getting laughed at takes me back to the little boy that ran from healing, who…
Who shakes my hand right where stand and says we’re moving on anybody else care to roll shru?

I apologize for harsh reactions and harder words.

I apologize for my expectations being unrealistic. For asking to be put first when really everyone should put themselves first. Me included.

I apologize for being a creep.

I apologize for my shortcomings as a man.

I apologize for being a terrible nephew, son, friend, partner.

I know loving me can’t be easy. I barely know how to do it myself most days.

Stay up.

This is a love that lights the night sky.
It slows time.
Cause every moment with you feels like a lifetime.
If i only had one more chance to get this right
You best believe i’d bend my knee before you blinked your eye

Communicate your pain with me.
Set boundaries in love and healing to make the journey easier.
The weight on your shoulders is unbearable at times.
A girl as beautiful as you shouldn’t carry such a troubled mind alone.

Communicate your pain with me.
Let me make it easier by executing on all the simpler things.
Like feeding your body and soul.
Or turning off the closet light because you’re too tire to get up, it shows. 
Or steaming your clothes.
I would brush your teeth if I could and shower your body like butta drop that glitters with gold.
I love you deep the bone, 
I hope my actions let it be seen and make it known.
But I know my words are my best chance at communicating my goals.
I’d get down on my knee again at anytime this I know.

Communicate your pain with me.
I close one ear off to the world to make sure your every word sits deep in my chakra. 
I align my energy to serving you with purpose. 
To putting the work in.
To taking time to learn all the ways I can best work with you.

Communicate your pain with me.
The way I choose to love you isn’t for gains. 
This world isn’t always kind to its most precious of Angels. 
You’re God’s finest, I see his work from the most subtle of angles.
You got a hold on me like Kurt Angle 🙃.
I don’t mind doing deep dives into Kaiadas to save this. 
To take the word to our demons and put them mfs in their places.
To match your pacing in life.
To speed you up when it’s right.
To slow you down when the rush and the panic needs quiet.

Communicate your light with me.
You’re my light you see.
As much as your battle is mines too,
I too wanna share in all the righteous things.
The moments your spirit starts lightening.
And you feel light enough to breathe.
When the world lets you know that you’re right where you’re meant to be.
This love, your essence was Heaven sent, intentionally. 

All the pain I’m going through is well deserved. I’m the villain in this story arc. I can only work to better myself. And forgive myself.

It all leads no where. Time to Disappear to the mountains of Nepal or something. Thats the only place i truly belong. Far away from the world that will never accept me.

Riding around in circles. Eating the breadcrumbs of the trail that just leads me back to my self destruction. I’m alone. The road leads no where but to the waste bin I’m trying to climb out of.

Stay down.

Give up.

Listening to the whisphers of my past.
Trying to silence them for the silent cues of my future.
Theres gotta be something healthier in God’s way 
Than the ways of the fewture.

There has to be solace in the journey ?
The weight of the world is enough to bury. 
But the light in her eyes, gives me a calling to strive towards better endings.

on my hyakkimaru with the fragments of my soul i need to patch 
Learning to thrive in the alternative passages
Mastering the middle ground so the highs come with a better messaging 
Realigning myself with the stars that have kept my darkests cries since i threw my passion out to the trash bin

Peace shouldnt be so tortorous to attain 
Why is the cost so high? Is this the game?
Am i the player with the main conteoller or am i getting played?