I see a wife but no one sees the husband. I try to breathe life but get told i should be okay with receiving nothing. I’m not him.

Aye buh. This karmic backlash is heavy. Whatever i did that was this bad and painful, i will work to make right. This pain is becoming unbearable.

I try to love even when my love is at their lowest. Destroyed. And the destruction is most potent. I try to love the spaces of their being that need to be acknowledge most. That hide away. That run. That disregard me and my feelings. The parts that hurt way too much for way too long. That push me away. And curse at me. And make me more broken. To let them know that every inch of them is perfection. That i have their back, even we i stretch myself too thin and don’t even know if mines still exists.

I am trying to rebuild the ruins of dread into something new, special, and strong. Even when my own foundation is washing away like Bermuda Beaches during a hurricane.

Because it has been a hurricane. And just when the weather looked like it was clearing out the turbulence picks up again. and again. and again. And I’m left to love through my loneliness. Under appreciated and unloveable. Unseen and Unheard. Unhappy and underneath. Under everyone and everything.

I love even though the core of my love is rotting. I give more of myself than I have left. I have extended the last of my struggled breath to make sure that their lungs cans fill with life again. I fight their battles and lose my own. I try but I won’t possibly ever be good enough so I feel so alone.

I want to be sure that when I kiss you with the breath of life that it is tender and sure. Even though all I face is a lack of sureties and unknowns. Abandonment. Refusal. Impatience.

I want to carry you past this. Support you through it. But I’ve been the doormat for so long.

At 3 am I cry out. I pour as many words as I can. Hoping that I can pick my love up. Even when I feel my breath leaving me. I feel excruciating pain in my chest. I think I experienced the physical representation of heartbreak. I felt my chest collapsing in.

I pour. I write. I share the most intimate expressions of the way i love them. The deepest, raw parts of the chambers of my heart. I’m firing on empty yet maybe loving my hardest.

I lose.

But I love all the same. Borrowing breath from a source not of my own. Racking my brain. Why am I not good enough? Not worthy to be loved right? So easy to hurt with no regard? So easily dismissed? Such an easy goodbye?

Take all I have to give. My vessel is bare. My soul is raw. My spirit’s of fear.

I love them. Why can’t …..

Embarassed and hurting.
There’s no one thing in my mind,
That let’s me know that i’m worth it.
the self doubt is enveloping my spirit.
the negativity is all that i’m hearing.
weary minded, 
tell the demons they got me this time.
shake their hands and accept my defeat. 
I sea my soul most days dragging behind my feet. 
I’m not happy waking up each day knowing i have to be me. 

The hand we were dealt,
maybe doesn’t have to be the hand that we play.
let’s call the dealer out,
or at least ask for a few more cards to lay.
I deserve the world,
but my cards tell me i need to wait a few more turns?
how is any of this fair?
self worth’s a hard lesson to learn. 

maybe it’s time for certain cards to burn.

I have no tears left.
Just like i have no will to try.
give me one last… life saving cry.
the breath of life.

one moment of solace from my tortured mind.
time outside.
im earl sweatshirt in 2015 but i wanna be earl at 29.

try a little tenderness. 
My soul’s been tenderized by some words of malice. 
My heart drained drip by drip.
that slow and painful, loosening grip.
the bottomless pit.
the endless abyss. 
This is my heartbreak’s anonymous.
but i’m still sipping bottles i come with.
my pain is consuming my conscious. 
I’m too low to funtion.
im assuming it’s gonna be from deans list …
to kanye in 04 that way im moving through this.
my numbered days have been counted. 

i think my book may be finishing. 
My light diminishing.
like near’s making plans to bring me nearer to the plot line thickening.
i hear the clock hands slow as time slows from ticking.
i went from thicket diving, to losing myself
up in the thick of this.
1:37 freestyling, 
i hope my pen leaves a piece of my better parts behind.
and maybe my talent doesnt go completely wasted.
the end of the road.
i swallow the ink just so i remember the taste of it.
the way the pad played therapist.
since 2006.
since 13
maybe earlier too 
but the pad my truest of boos.
ill miss u

Yo !???

Can y’all ease me up just a tiny bit?

Why is my karma this heavy?

Why is my pain so continuous?

The demons are kicking my ass at this point.

They’re jumping though.

At least give me a fighting chance.

I know Lord, i know that you said i was strong enough for this. But i dont believe i am anymore. Today was my last straw. My last moment.

My last…

The toll price may be heavier than my soul can handle.
I lose light every night, my mind’s fighting all these endless battles.
Is this what it is like burning the midnight oil with no wick in my candle?

Staring into a bowl of indomie is the only introspection i know m.
My spirit’s glow is dimming as my coldness starts to grow. 

How do you pick yourself up and put yourself down in the same sentences?
Its because i’ve been shown that’s the way David deserves, it’s my karmic life sentencing

Getting laughed at may be the soundtrack to my october. It’s the moment in my life my mind tortures me with by replaying it over and over and over. It haunts my nightmares, it haunts my woken mind. The healing work to leave this behind, will leave my heart colder.

How can I forgive the unforgivable? How can I learn to reaccept myself?

I know everything is my karma. I don’t quite know what evil I put out that would bring me karma this strong though.. maybe being c*****?

The soundtrack to my fall will be lovesongs and heartbreaks. Everybody plays the fool on repeat. Because why is this one action the one thats defeating me?

I’m lesser.