Bringing God in was such a good decision. Having someone to pray with was never in my immediate vision. But what a blessing it would be. Thank God for having had this opportunity to try and do right by love. Goodbye.

Breathe resuscitation into me. There’s going to be No more cpr for dying situations. You couldn’t even write about or make up the things i feel in this love. Few could understand how deeply I love the one I love. How ready i am to give my love. Listo listo Listo mi amor.

My core calls out for her. My heart vibrates to the frequency of her atoms . I am everything when i’m with her. Listo. That’s ready in Spanish. Well. Thats it from me.

Dear Frank Ocean: thank you for Godspeed. That you for the words that save me. I can’t keep any hold on my happiness lately: it’s me that’s not enough i found that truth within the journey..

There’s a dim moonlight.
There’s nothing close to having you by my side. 
With you i know it’ll be alright. 
Healthy and healed.
so let’s fall head first and dive.
into something that will be a blessing to us both. 
No more running from good things. 
I’ll always be good to you make sure you’re good to me.
i found out what having something worth fighting for means.
but the rounds are getting harder to withstand so meet me where we both deserve.
i know you heard the news.
i’m the one for you. 
There’s no more time to lose.

Gravity.
Your smile pulls me into your human being.
And I dream of being all that you truly need. 
My soul cries out for all that you want to be.
Your flaws and imperfection are only more alluring to me.
A happy life beside me is a guarantee with a lifetime warranty. 
Surely, you see. I’m for you and you’re for me.

Take a piece of my peace if it makes your path easier.
I use to think it would be me and her. 
Vs the world but i couldn’t have been more naive.
she was the girl of my dreams
yet i wasn’t even the man of her reality. 
My soul took a lot of damaging.
ask me how I managed?
even i don’t understand it.

oh well it’s me & me vs everything. 
I’m my own ride or die and my own back brace.
i’m my own “best thing”. 
I’m my own definition of my happy. 
I am a king.
so that’s how i’ll treat me.

I know you exist beyond what my mind can comprehend. I know there is no spiritual fissure within me that you cannot mend. I know there is no cage on my life that you couldn’t bend and allow me to find a new path. I am done hurting me. I believe in breaking free. I believe in you, and i believe in the you within me. Ensure there is no place for misplaced joy or faith or love dear Lord. I want to get it right from now on. I want to be someone you’d be proud of. I claim no more of this generational destruction. There’s nothing that your love and forgivness cannot fix. There’s nothing you cannot do. Therefore theres nothing i can’t do through you. Nobody will be able to destroy the me that i will become. No obstacle will be impossible to conquer. I will put in the work to prove i’m worthy of the blessings this prayers could bring to me:

Save me from a hole that i won’t be able to climb out of. Save me from a version of me that would be unsightly . Save me from all things that are unlike me. Save me from me.

How you ever felt truly unimportant? Like people downplay just how truly valuable you are? And they treat you like anybody can come through and do what you can? And you feel stupid for believing anyone would see your worth and honour that? Feel stupid for thinking someone would refuse to make you unimportant because you’re actually something rare in this world. You’re unmatched but people make you feel so easily replaceable.. like everything you are is easily found or replicated in this world. They could teach you that anyone will abuse you and treat you however as long as you’re serving them what they need. But they won’t even admit just how important what you bring is.

I’m dumb. But i’m starting to see i should no longer expect to be treated right. I might go the rest of my life never being treated right by others and that’s what it is…. Aye buh.

It’s me and you David. Me you and God. You really meant nothing to ..

I will always reach out my hand to save you from the fall at wits end.
But at the same time never again. 
If it means losing the better parts of me in the process.
Cause I was left to do all the work to heal my eviscerated heart alone.
I actually felt the pain of it being ripped from my chest.
Now my spirit is restless. 
Now I’m on my grand quest just to get my self belief back .
Maybe the change of seasons will bring about a change in my soul. 
Maybe the worst is over. 
Maybe this time i can hold on to my hopeful. 
But I still leak hopelessness sometimes.
I’m overly open.  
I give until I’m broken.
Nobody to hold me up.
There’s too many holes in the cup I pour from.
I’m recharging from the warm spring Sun. 
The price of my attention has gone up.

I

I may have been one of the ugliest men on earth. Nonono not the way you may think. I dont mean physically.

I’m talking about my tendencies. The way i talked. I listened but did i care to hear? I hurt cause I was hurting I was childish. I was destructive and falling into my destruction. I was as angry as the household I grew up in. The temperament of my parents became me. The only ways I knew how to react were no good yet I was carrying them into my young adulthood.

And it didn’t matter that this was how I was shown to interact with the world. Whenever you disagree you strike. Thats what my upbringing taught me. I didn’t know where to place my hatred. How to be healthy in discussing my feelings. I didn’t know how to talk about my insecurities. I didn’t know how to say I felt O was being treated unfairly so I waited in silence until I would lashed out in terrible ways.

I was just light enough that the beast inside me could remain contained for the most part.

But I was still heavy enough that it could slip out in my worst moments. But i didnt want to be the totality of all that boiled beneath my nonchalant exterior. I never wanted to be who i saw myself becoming in the pandemic. I never wanted to be as ugly as the person I was seeing looking me back in the mirror.

But I was saved by kindness. I was saved me love. By someone accepting my flaws and loving me regardless. By someone putting up with my lows and trying to bring me to my highs. Thats the beauty I found. And the beauty I lost. But I grew enough to know the beast isn’t me. So even in my loss I will choose to be the beauty I once got to experience.