Patience is the key virtue. 
How much love can you pour into what hurts you?
I mumble when it’s time to speak up, cause who wants to hear what my heart bleeds through?
seems as though heartbreak seems to want to film a sequel.
 

No more 5am self interventions.
Gonna take my healing whilst God has placed it in my hands. 
And cc her in case she wants to tag along. 
Her laughter is the melody to my favorite song.

No more self deprecation.
2024, is about uplifting.
Thanking God for the messaging he has put into my gift.
And the voice that I’ve found.
No more bottling up cause explosions always come with difficult come-downs.

And the weather in my stormy days comes harder than ever before.
I never know a day when my tears do not pour.

But yet somehow I still feel more equipped for handling fragile hearts. 
I give thanks for forgiveness playing its parts.

Spin 311 by Jordan Ward for me Siri.

How do I break past what my head is keeping me stuck in?

I’ve fallen into too many destructive tendencies. I’ve lost sight of my sense of self. Crazy how one fall can stagnant all the climbing back into myself that I had done. How quickly the demons can steal my sun. It’s hard realizing you’re nobody’s “the one”. I can’t help but compare myself to people I will never be… like what’s so golden about them that’s lacking in me? It doesn’t serve me of course, but it’s the trouble of having my insecurities coming back to the surface. I have to be okay with my lack of friends, my lack of appeal to any significant other. I have to be okay that I’m not enough for most spaces. I have to be enough for myself. I may spend the rest of my life making no new friends…. Finding no more love…. Losing. But as long as I do right by me. And that’s my biggest lesson, to stop allowing people to take me for granted and still hold space in my life. I gave my all to others, now I have to give my all to me.

It’s literally me, my problems, and God.

All i have left rn.

Alone and lonely….

Damaged and disposed…

Unimportant.

Nuclear touch…
The way i’m disintegrating now that your love has left me. 
I can’t tell anybody the last time I felt good about myself actually.
my demons will continue to laugh at me.
for overstaying my welcome.
for making a home where i’m not wanted. 
For believing i Would receive more.
all this heart ache is leaving my seed sore. 
I’ve been broken down to my atoms and yet the grip she has over me is still strong. 
My peace does dance to the melodic beat of her voice’s song.
there’s no hope for me left.
i give up on love. I no longer receive its blessings. 
How could anyone love the shell of the man that i am.
i was tilling her grass with my blistered and torn hands. 
Taken for granted daily.
insanely.

You hurt yourself to make me stay.
Freedom would look good on you.
familiarity cant be the glue we use.
i’m old news. 
Archive me where i belong. 
This is an ex-factor sing along.

I need more.
My spirit calls for its calling.
My eyes are sore from nights spent bawling, over open sores.
But i keep picking at my scabs anyway. 
The demons I’m fighting are all heavyweights.
How do you mend a heart ?
My chambers hold the secrets only my pen knows.
Trying to show her she never has to stand alone. 
I wanna co-author her self help book as her story unfolds.

I’ve been wanting to feel wanted.
Wanting to feel like a king again.
but I guess that’s just not in my kingdom’s plan. 
Maybe I need to give up.D-Simms was never enough.
calling love’s bluff.
i know there’s nothing in their deck of cards for me.