Maybe i should turn a blind eye to the things that hurt me.
It seems to be the only way to keep from receiving more hurting.
Surely nobody would ever find the person behind The Fewture worth it.
I should just smile and wave and give blessings to my curses.

I don’t even know who I am anymore. 
I stand at the shore…
unsure of my place in this depressive world.
I keep pace yet still get left behind.
I’m less than the average guy.

I found heaven on earth.
Yet hell is what she puts me through.
The seas around me are painted a lil less blue. 
True love may end up being something I never knew.
Played me like the flute.

I find you in every grain of sand.
In the way the waves push and pull with the limestone cliff face. 
In how the sunset paints the sky.
You define my "why".
I've never known  something as pure as loving you.
I want to honour you in the way that husbands do. 
I find you in a cool breeze on these hot summer days.
In the shower that cleanses my day away.
For your good loving I'm waiting.
Awake.
Attentive. 
You're smile is the only thing i have in my life's planner.
I hope I'm doing right by you.

I lay my brokenness at Heaven’s Gates. 
I’m seeing the work that it’ll take.
To heal the shattered boy still within me.
I need to put his scattered pieces back in place.
I sit still and let the wind dry the tear streaks to my face.
Revisiting my darkest of mental spaces.

I have to leave a scent of warmness and light.
And tuck my demons to bed with positivity and sweet goodnights.
I stare my self in the mirror and what I see, I don’t like.
I’m the self destruction type.
Death to this demonic device. 
That leaves endless scrolling as my permanent vice.

I hope the angels see me and let me know i’ll be alright.
I’m preparing for the long night.
Because the storm is right here.
And hiding inside won’t stop the damage from occurring around me. 
I need to go back to my foundation and build up more soundly.
Start one brick at at time removing the empty skeleton of the soul that I’m finding. 

My calm interior is raging now.
These pages are stained with, tears and fear as a lay about. 
I am massively ashamed of who I am.

 

I’m a last resort and the last option.
I can’t remember the last time I operated within where the love is.
Choosing David is a path that just doesn’t exist.
Them together was always the better outfit.

Nobody could put their money where their mouth is. 
Not when it comes to me and my shit.
I carry it alone but I hold no boeing engine.
The fruits of my labour rot even before they start ripening. 
The tune of my mind is always on “depression type beat”.
Other people always become the deluminator to my lighting.
because I give too much of my fracturing psyche. 
 

Please.

All I ask is that somewhere, somehow life decides to take it easy on me.

I wonder if God has even abandoned me. I’m sure he has.

Life had stripped me down and now there’s no good part of me left.

God probably laughs at me like all the rest.

Furthering myself from me.
To grow closer to what God asks.
Brushing the devil off isn’t the most easy of tasks. 
And to keep my blessings close, i gotta be bigger than my past.
I pray for her success.
i pray her happy is everlasting. 
Even if that means her happiness comes from somebody in stride that’s further past me.
i know I’m the last resort. And steps back in to me are that exactly.
reverting into a love she was growing past see. 

One thing… love will humble you.
It crumble’s your fear away which means you just fall that much harder. 
And it hurts that much more.
when you look yourself in the mirror and realize love is through with you.
i’m a bum on most days.
running from my mistakes.
wondering when i went wrong. 
I tried to love someone above me for too long.