Let’s start in 2016. Summer 2016 to be specific. Summer 2016 I found myself. I found myself having the time of my life. I found myself spiritually. I found the confidence to be me, completely me. I also lost myself. Many parts of me I didn’t want to be anymore. So let’s start in 2016.

Spiritually I was tested. It was there little children asked me why my God hated them? Why he would strike their villages with that earthquake? Chapthok. I stood amongst the Nepali Giants overwhelmed. There was this one specific overlook spot. Where we could see Ginesh Himal , I believe, in the distance. Feeling small. I was writing and wondering. Asking and searching for the answers I felt i needed most. And honestly i will never be able to put into words the emotion i felt just being able to be there. I felt blessed. I felt challenged. I felt I had found my second home. And i felt there was a God. Me, so small, so insignificant. I had finally felt i was put here on this Earth for a reason. I was having a great time with the villagers. I felt loved and welcomed. I felt like my effort was making a difference. And sure on the grand scheme of things the work we were doing was small, it only effected that village, but it was also GRAND. And mattered. Mattered to them. And to us. To Raleigh. to ME. To the cosmos and the universal draw that connects us all. And i knew that God had lead me there. To Nepal. To those moments sitting with Devendra. Or watching Caesar chase girls around. Playing football with Harry. Eating dal bhat mountains. It was God that had awoken me from my sleep a night before with a clear image of Nepal. The tiniest of sparks that lead to a life defining experience. And lead me there, to Nepal, the following year. And there at that lookout point with Chance’s “Coloring Book” bumping that I knew I was changing. And I was okay with who I was. I was starting to understand my place. My worth. I could talk about that summer forever though so let’s jump to 2017.

We flow like the peaks and the valleys.
You caught me at my worst times.
The demons i battle 
could’ve turned me into the worst guy.

2017 was cool. I fell in love. The love of my life the love. A love I thankfully still have today and hold dear. The girl that’s presence echoes in my soul. That’s another story, another time. But it was also there I was alone in Cambodia. Alone in my mind. And once again I was challenged. Challenged to find peace with being alone. And fun with traveling alone. And I had to learn how to entertain myself. And be okay with being alone. And learn to truly love the parts of me I had grown to dislike, the parts I hated. And that was hard. Being alone was very hard at times. But that time helped me get through the pandemic. it gave me the tools I needed to be okay with being me.

Then I was back in my second home. Trekking the mountains. With my brother Prabin. and oh what a time we had. I’m grateful for all the people i’ve met along my travels. Especially Prabin, Tara, Along, Apay, Reyneilda, Duha, Kak Yati. It’s something special about a person willing to open their home to you and treat you as their own. their kin. to house and feed you. to take time out of their personal lives to show you a true experience. to accept you into their families. We cannot take for granted how powerful love and laughter are. The two L’s of life that are completely worth it. Who would I be had I not met these people when I did. If any of them ever find their way to Bermuda i’d return the favour in a heartbeat.

And then 2018- early 2020 was back to the monotony. The flow of life. Working, learning, exploding. But also, navigating something new. love. A fresh love. A love unexplored and untrialed. that then faced trials.

And 2020 the lows came back. Obviously there was pandemic life. Big explosions in my personal life. losing a whole book I was writing. feeling battered and bruised.

My soul was battered, bruised, trampled and blown out.
Come save me from the depths of the hell that I'm in.
The long nights I arm wrestle the stress and the sin.
I could've folded.
but I move forward the best that I can.

2022 i plan to work on me. And grow into the me I was finding in 2016. The me I learned to love in 2017. The me that still seems to be lost in the mountains. The me I lost between 2018-2022.

I plan to be better.

Yes i am my past. I am an amalgamation of all the mistakes ive made. My bumps, and bruises, shattered emotion, and explosions.

And yes our past defines us. I am LeeAnn Simmons and little Erik. I am Frank Ocean’s channel orange at 3am. And the pain and understanding of Earl Sweatshirt. Or the vibe of Daniel Caesar at afro punk 2018. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. I am Peanut butter and banana smoothies. And chocolate ice cream. The inspiration I feel from Kendrick to be great. I am Sports and some anime. I am fights at youth night. Long nights. I am TK4l. I am Nepal and Bermuda. I am how I express myself through clothing. And I’m the games I play. I am Killua and I am Rengoku. I am the mountains and the fresh sea breeze air. I am the dishwasher version of me bumping Zeroh’s Barkpench an MF Doom. I am still growing.

I am my hair.

Dont touch my hair.

Boi how i love to let my hair down and let my hair loose. And the couple times i cut it and let it grow back. But society? Huh ? I am all the battles with insecurties , and the lady that grabbed my hair randomly in the isle at lindos and said “It’s softer than i thought”.

I am a soul.. 27 years old

I am the love that I’ve grown through these last 5 years. I am an aspiring writer that’s gonna finish writing books this year.

The darker days are behind us
I’m the tiniest of wrinkles in the time jump.
The universe decides what defines us.
Or maybe the mind does.
Or maybe its all predetermined by GOD.
I am prayers and hope.
Love and lust.
We stay moving forward. 
We can’t make this shit up.
But at the end of the day i hope i can do what i want before my times up.
And my body goes the same time my mind does.

P.S.

M.K.B. you’re amazing and I love you!