Posted on by thefewturee

If?

I’m season one A-train. Running at full sprint away from everything I should be.

I’m too fragile to be a man. I grew up in a space that taught me men shouldn’t show emotion. Closed fists and razor sharp  tongues were the way problems were solved. Bricks flew through windows. I knew beatings before I knew tears. But ironically it has made me all too sensitive as a young adult. How can I always be one bad remark away from breaking down, but afraid to show emotion. I use to carry nonchalantness as frequent as I carried my school backpack. Now my tears are ‘on-go’ from any setback or step backwards. 

As a kid I defined manhood as a closeness to God. All the male role models I had were “men of God”. My grandfather and Bro. Vaughn and Brent. But the older I get the more I see that those so called Men of God only claimed that title to save themselves from troubled pasts. Their closeness to God was sometimes a facade. My closeness to God feels like a facade. How could it not be? I call out and hear no answer. I don’t want to be the kid that only calls on their Heavenly Father when they need something. But yet it seems like I’m stuck in a state of need, so under what other premise can I pray? I try to give thanks in all moments. I try to carry a Godly borrowed strength with me. Because I’m too far from God and too fragile to be a man.

If a man fails to live up to his boyhood definition of manliness does that make him not a man?

Posted on by thefewturee

Balance

These are just 3 am thoughts …

I’ve been trying to re-find my balance. I feel so far away from who I was growing to be. I know messing with what my spirit knows is wrong is what knocks me off. My biggest relationship this past year has been with hate. So how could I find the light? I’ve been in hate with myself, the world, sleep even. Relationships should really bring the greatest blessings into my life. That’s my belief.

Well maybe I’m not as flawed as I think… maybe the world is flawed and I’m just doing the best I can to navigate it.

There are these two men that walk around downtown Abbotsford that condemn sinners to hell right? And now whilst I don’t necessary turn my heart to most of what they say … like telling me I’ll go to hell for having an afro…. the last encounter they spoke something real. they told me nothing holy could come from my cellphone because it’s of the devil… Now take that as you might but something in that messaging is true. I just can’t step into all my love and light with one foot obeying God’s plan for me and the other still wanting to test other waters. I miss who I was 8 years ago. I’ve come full circle back into a darker part of me I hoped would never revisit.

Shit Brandy did say “You can’t get to Heaven, half off the ground”.

…This is to a dropped crown. That doesn’t mean you’re not a queen and I’m not a king. I kept yours in a sacred place though. It’s in a place where it would never dull, never chip, never fall again. It had just been waiting for you to come back and claim it. Until we found ourselves again. And finding ourselves can be in each other, in God, in nature, or in everything. That’s what Nepal taught me… the light within myself is reflected in all. the I and I.

Maybe i need to get back to basics. Volunteering and giving more to something bigger than myself. Writing… and i mean really writing. Everyday. Finish these books that have been sitting in my mind’s vaults for a decade now. It’s hard to create when you’re focused on surviving . But i will commit. To myself… to setting ten minutes a day for creativity. Turn this trash ass phone screen oof. And if nothing comes I will just sit with myself for that ten. And if that ten minutes turns to 2 hours who cares? That’s the balance.

Work hard, expand my mind, expand my vocabulary, read more, pray harder… and not just at the end of the day but at all times, break bad habits and replace them with newer and better ones.

I need more. I need to reconnect with myself> But I still want to give thanks to the sad me that resurfaced and kiss him goodbye. Goodbye to the self doubt that no longer serves me, and won’t help me to serve her.

I’ve been apathetic to my own progression can you believe it? The world can make you feel so small. Others can make you feel so irrelevant. But I’m relevant in all I’ve already done. I’m relevant to myself… in every moment and with every breath.

I need more. I’m at another one of those points where my spirit calls for something massive to shift. Just like going to Tanzania at 18. Just like Nepal at 21. I’ve set a few new goals for this year. And who cares if i fail? Once again that’s the balance…

Everything that doesn’t reach me will bring something different that will. The key i possess isn’t meant to unlock every door. And what’s behind every door isn’t meant for a soul like mines. My path is mines. My timing is mines. But one thing is for certain… I want to stop wasting time. In case I don’t have too much more of it left.

This summer is for me… my passions, swimming, her., pictures. sunset, decreased screen time, journaling, exercise, food, smiles, laughs, music, poetry. 

in every poem lies the key to solving a problem
the words i write, shed a light on things only my heart has known.
there's so much life in the lines of a poem. 
this is therapy to me.
God guides my pen, God guides my seed. 
in every problem, there's a poem. 
there's a lesson that can't ever be put into words.
but somehow we grasps at the fleeing attempts to categorize our humanity.
these poems help to refined the man I'll be.

How good it is to be loved by God’s literal most perfect angel.

Every day the sun rises…. so every day you and I get a chance to do right by ourselves. remember that.