
Grief is Invisible


Wisdom doesn't come cheap .
It comes from a body spent with damages.
And the deepest wounds covered with dollarama bandages.
And dreamimg of presence through painful absences.
This journey is a constant search to reactivate my happiness.
Would it be blasphemous to ask to see God's master planner?
I use to worry about what comes after but now im worried that you sit waiting with empty answers.
I'm at my calmest during disaster.
And start to drowing when it quiets down.
Wearing my black with pride now.
And learning quietness isn't always manners.
Cause some mfs actually need to be put in their place.
And misplaced words remind me I'm not as numb to this as I thought.
So I lie and go on brave, since that's a lighter cost.
And I hide it just because.
I have no space for heavier discourse.
My face a blank slate hiding the straining weight.
Throw my screams into the crashing waves.
And let a Black Bay sunset wash the pain away.
I keep conversation for the wordpress pages.
Writing saves me from decaying.
These posts are a freeze frame.
Small vibrant moments of captured mind states.
Wrote this om the subway home from work.
Does our soul glow diminish
Anytime we let the devil win?
Letting toxic energies blend within me.
Mixed ideologies with someone I would never want to be.
No more summer scaffold days no more savoring Sargosso breezes.
Wipe my eyes anytime they get to dampening.
My mind tenses thinking only of grimmer endings.
Took a peek over the edge.
And lost his ashes to the wind.
I guess I'd rather feel the loss
Than lose any momentary wins.
Compressing gears and pushing nearer.
Drag my heart against its will.
And make sure I fill it deep with healing.
Losing her is my only fear.
I'm tiptoeing around my wits brim.
I wrote this on a whim.
It takes real stregnth to look within.
And see all the ways the demons worked to dim me.
The next few years I better hope to enjoy the trip.
Because my happiness had grown thinner.
No more "faking it" left to spare.
Cupid spesred me through the heart and it took two years to find the clearing.
It's hard as fuq at times out here.
Especially walking around wearily.
Scared to let anyone near to me.
Even scared to look in mirrors Because I hate who I appear to be.
Where do I find the love if everything inside me is destroyed?
Is there any out in the world for a damaged soul like mine?
Does love reside solely in the prayers I shout into the night sky?
Was I ever the right guy or her right time?
Did my hands hold her down in the right kind of way?
There's never a day I'm happy in my own skin.
Sometimes I pray it all goes away.
Other times I push harder for a win.
You are the nourishing sun.
And the warm sunset.
Calming ocean waters.
And the river that flows nutrients into my soul.
How we ever crossed paths is only something God knows.
These keys probably think they know me.
At least more now than the dust collecting journal pages I once bore myself into.
This is my poet's lonely.
You konw the vice I could sprint to.
This is like a prayer to release all I hold onto.
My phone's front camera has seen the pain in eyes and the joy as I type.
I write the heavy and the light.
Body to body.
Make me forget my unimportance.
Fill my pores with the grace only you bring.
Still my core with the peace that you pour in.
I wanna glow with that shea butter sheen.
Give me your love so I can hoard it.
Find attraction in my human.
My body and flesh love you with only a percentage of what my heart and soul do.
I want to mold a better future* while I know you.
Fall in love with me and all the things we grow through.
If I could have one wish, it would be for just one moment where you see yourself through my eyes.
You’d never feel self doubt again knowing the quality of design I see.
And truthfully I only ask that in love the Lord keeps guiding me.
I’m nothing yet I hope to be your everything
Lend me your heart.
Or do I already occupy most of the space there?
You’re the center of my displaced fears.
It’s Jah, I, then you,
even though you hold the heaviest weight here.
Those troubled Sargasso Seas had started to taste weird.
My fate’s clear.
Jah wash over I, these words are my spiritual Faith’s care.
Fissures and craters are forming within which means my healing is falling behind eerily.
I hold better days near to me.
I gotta find peace of mind.
Even though these shattered pieces of mine are getting harder to find.
Tell me how to define something that’s been missing my whole life.
I’m a product of closed fist striking both the seed and the wife.
I know haunting alcoholic figures.
I thought the only way through was to punch first then try to heal all the demons.
I’m as much my own man as I am a collection of all the sins of the Simmons name that I’m bringing.
I’m Raleigh and Get it Green, but also a shortened temper inspired by this environment that I’m breathing.
I use to toss my pain to the side to use as a weapon when I need it.
But that always left my spirit split.
I remember my brother’s grief of growing up first, and all the nights full of screaming.
That is the curse I’m defeating.
Forgiving and releasing.
I use to put a muzzle on and shut it up because they said a man needn’t speak it.
I was full on emotions alone for all the nights I had to eat ‘em.
so David tell me how such a shattered man could take active steps towards his healing?
And find his life’s meaning?
idk just yet either.
These words are for a future* full of freedoms.
For I&I.

Please have mercy on me.
You have my tender heart in your pretty hands.
Don't YOU DARE squeeze it dry.
I'm turning my back to the insidious side.
Please take mercy on me.
Place your love where I hurt most.
I’ve felt alone for too long now.
When I went wrong where did all the love go?
The show goes on and you still hold the remote.
Every that glitters from you is truly gold.
The world’s most beautiful soul.
Please have mercy in your heart.
I know loving me is hard on most days.
I’m on a path of constant growth.
Let’s rush into the now so we can take the rest of our lives so slow.