There’s no possible I could put into words the gravity that you hold over my life. And the man I’ve become through having an opportunity to experience love.

This past year I learned the definition of unconditional love. And as much pain as it brought me I’m actually extremely proud of the level of love I was able to bring into the world.

I was challenged to my core. I was stripped bare. I was humbled. I was shown every insecurity I was yet to overcome. I had to look my most damaged self in his eyes and vow to be better. And actually step into the better i was promising myself. No one was looking to save me but me. But that didn’t have to mean that i couldn’t try my best to save the people I loved most. To be a breath of life while i was suffocating. To literally lay myself down like Jack did for Rose. Drowning to keep them afloat.

I learned what Jordan Ward’s Cherimoya meant. I learned why Frank Ocean sings. I learned why ‘Roller Coasters’ by Tank and the Bangas could bring me to tears. 

I learned God again. Maybe for the first time since I was 12. I never had given up on believing I just never knew he loved me this much. And maybe this is the humbling lesson that I had to learn to be able to reconnect with all my values. To really make another leap in my character development.

I learned that broken was the man. But I learned that healing wasn’t unattainable. I learned I was willing to work through whatever. Love slow when I wanted to speed up. Play the supporting cast. Play protector. Love when there was no love to be returned.

And yeah, it’s been dark, cold, and lonely in my life. 

I’m ready to fall. Fall into every good thing I know love can offer. Ready to fall into healing. Ready to fall into whatever comes next in God’s planning. I know the intelligent design. And I believe my heart was meant to tear. And i’ll work my own repairs, while working hers too. Love myself and love another’s heart. Even if it gets hard and heavy for me. 

Well I never gave up on life and love. I want to be able to love in a way that God loves. I want to be able to give in the way he does. To lead under his light. To spread his light. I’m trashed. I’m low. I’m learning. To trust in his lead over union. I learned in scaffolding, that yes it may be double work, but if the foundation’s off strip down and rebuild instead of standing atop something unstable. And I’m glad I got to experience rock bottom again. What comes back from this will be the strongest foundation of love.

Please Lord I pray that you keep working on me. I also pray you keep answering my prayers through her. She’s my everything and I’m not afraid to admit it. I admit it before you, before the world, through my humbling heart. 

I’m