6 am no sleep journaling
Imy
I miss black bay on days like this.
I miss the cleansing properties its water held.
My soul was saved the day God sent guardian angels to me.
A reminder to cater to myself.
Nights like these i feel the undercurrent of my depressions. Tugging me from below the calm waters i carry on my exterior. Threatening to make a mess of my flesh. Whispering that i should give up in myself and let the negativity swallow me whole. Drown me. Fill my lungs with rageful breaths. Gasping for a version of me that becomes more fleeting with each moment.
The light dimming as i’m entering my life’s Bathypelagic zone. My fingers dancing across the keyboard to play tether to my drifting mind .
The rain falls as i walk home from work. Maybe this is all apart of one big segment of spiritual cleansing that i needed.
A reminder to call on God. To remember that harboring all these terrible tendencies and harmful habits could no longer serve me.
Not if I’m to withstand these rough seas I’m facing.
These turbulent waters shredded the dinghy that houses my psyche to pieces. And I’ve had to put in the long arduous hours building myself my own Bermuda sloop.
Nights like this feel like the end of me . The waves of emotions knock me. Capsize me. Turn my world upside down like i was Jack Sparrow at the World’s End.
I have to be my own hope. The sad truth is my damage is my responsibility to overcome. No one’s going to show up to throw me a life raft. Nobody is going to guard my life from the call of these hurricanes and monsoons. Not one person in this world will be the lighthouse that gives me hope and guides me towards those calmer seas.
I’m alone
At least my prayers attach themselves to the night sky. And God answers by painting them as the constellations that direct me across this never ending night.
Guide yourself David.
When you find the eye of the storm and calmer waters sit still and listen.
The sound of water playing tug-of-war with the shore always did serve as a remedy. The back end of the storm can sometimes do more damage than the beginning. The hull of my sloop is still incomplete. The healing comes much slower than the damage occurs. And i can’t sit and wait until i think its all better… I have to craft better.
I need to heal despite the the winds still battering at my emptied frame.
I need to tap into my inner Cutty Flam and build a ship that will withstand all. I need to treat myself with the same care and forgiveness i give to the person i love.
Before black bay there was Tilicho lake. And that’s what i told a friend was my favorite body of water.
Purity defined. MKB.
I’ve never seen anything more pristine. And that’s what i want my waters to look like moving forward in life.
And my peace will guide her to outer-space.
My work in her garden will send her words to the NY times.
I Will be the love that defines her soul’s code.
My healing will heal her and put her in that soft girl era.
I write to release📬. And i release to be the best servant to her and to God.
Play sorry Not sorry by Tyler…
Water me
Her waters are the oceans that I drown in.
Her waters are the pool of my baptism, saving me.
Her waters are turbulent raging waters.
Her waters are also Tilicho lake, pure serenity.
Her water drips the drop that disturb the pool of my inner peace.
One ripple that set off a lifetime of waves.
Crest and troughs defined the rollercoaster of love that she had given me.
But now I’m ready for the scary part of the drop where I start falling fast, steep and deep.
Knowing her waters will always break my fall i can only hope that they wouldn’t shatter me.
Her waters oxygenate my blood… flooding me with energy.
Her waters are the shower that cleanses my soul of depression.
Her waters carry the little glass bottle that is overflowing with God’s message.
The beauty in which her water falls is a blessing.
This must be the water the angels in Heaven sip to get themselves some refreshment.
Her water is an ice cold sip on a Bermuda summer scaffolding day.
Her water is the peace that I started to find at Black Bay.
like an old, seasoned sailor… the journey across her waters is defining me.
and my waters dance to the pull of her moon, happily caught up in her gravity.
Love Day
To the rarest one .
My source…
The fountain of my happy,
my water, my passion.
To someone truly uncommon in all the best ways.
A beauty that is unmatched.
And a talent that could never be compressed in a trap cage.
To my favorite star, shining bright in a universe of darkness.
I wanna be the biggest piece of peace that fills the caverns where your heart is.
I love you regardless.
Playing my role, and letting God guide my part in this.
You and I go together like an old locket with two parts to it.
To the rarest one.
My source…
The eye in my life’s storm.
The shore where I’m building my foundation.
You’re the reason that I’m learning to be patient.
Your smile’s my motivation.
To someone uncommon in all the best ways.
I compress waves of emotion just writing what you mean to me.
You’re the only queen to me ,
You got me on bended knee.
The only subject and thesis of my poetry.
To my favorite star, shining bright in a universe of darkness.
You’re the smartest.
What an honour it would be to spend a lifetime under the sky that your stars lit.
And to help you make a play out of the shitty hand of cards that,
Life dealt you to stop your progress.
I said I love you regardless.
Let’s get this right from now on miss.
Mastering the Messaging
Never taking for granted, the seeds that I planted.
I know this might sound crazy but i really do count her wins as my blessings. Like if all the good that God has planned for my life went to making sure she gets what we pray for then that’s okay by me. I heard God’s voice this past summer. Felt his presence. And get reminded very often recently the wonders he can work. Every time we are in desperate need of something to work out it has.
Never packing up the tools it takes for me to work at her grasses.
God went unnecessarily Crazy on her design. She rivals pure beauty. She’s what seeing the Sagrada Familia for the first time feels like. She’s like sunsets over the Annapurna Mountain Range. She’s like the full moon that left me stuck in my tracks on Matipwili community phase. Superlunary. Empyrean. She’s like the first bite on a perfectly seasoned dish… but she’s also like every bite thereafter tasting even better than the last
She’s The Ginger Bread who I hope bakes well from my love’s sweet molasses.
I’m trying to master patience. I’m trying to master the man God wants me to be. A man she could be proud of. A man that leaves the world enriched by me having lived in it. I’m trying to sit with my pain and understand why I feel the way I do. I want to be bigger and better than it though. The pain that is. I want to love her how God loves her. And build her the way she deserves to be built. I’m grateful to all the goes right in her life. however, small the wins may be seeming I know that they are massive. That she’s shining amongst darkness. That she’s stepping into her purpose against all odds. She is divinity.
Tryna have me a lifetime of treats handful of her perfect a**.
Feb 14 2024.
God took his time on you.
It’s like he got deep into his most expensive bag and pulled out his most precious creation.
It’s like all the shooting stars and shining moons conspired to let their sister walk amongst the humans.
It’s a radiant beauty.
Timeless and unmatched.
She could be the subject of every museum painting that i would spend time to gawk at.
And my happiness dances with curve of her smile.
And the hue of your encapturing eyes illuminate the colours of God’s promise to love me.
her beauty is the definition of divinity.
earth’s best.
but really she’s an empyrean vision.
ethereal & otherworldly barely fit the description.
gorgeous.
if you don’t get it by now she looks better than all the potential in my wordings.
She is everything and it shows clear in her person.
she’s tilicho lake purity.
she’s the milky way peeking through the night sky.
She’s a supermoon and i howl her praises.
Superlunary is the base of her beauty’s equation.
she’s snowfall on a missed school day.
She’s the push and pull of the ocean caressing a mid summer’s sun rays.
Rare
Putting her ahead of me had been the biggest honour of this life. I put her above all else. I honour her before God. I blush at the idea of her. I can’t contain the way her presence in my life makes me feel. I think far ahead all whilst trying to enjoy every moment, every call, every show, every picture, even chuckle. Because her laugh is my happiness. Thats why i try to bring it from her. To cut through the madness the world presents her with. She’s my biggest priority. Her heart, mind , soul & spirit. I love them all tenderly. I try to be empathetic. I try to hold her passionately. I try to speak life into her, and back it up through action. I’d starve so she could eat, slave so she could kick up her feet, die so she could live. I pray her release from bad times. I pray healing and calm and hood over her spirit. I try to love as best as my humanity allows. I big her up in any space. I try to love her hard enough that it drowns out any self doubt so that my voice sings her praises louder than anything that brings her down. So she knows her worth. So she knows her beauty. So she never speaks bad about herself. So she has an example of what she deserves to give to herself. I’ve loved every version of her I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. Life is better with her beside me and i don’t care if she would say the same because I’m proud that I can own that. Proud that i gave my all. Proud that i tried. I tried to put her before me. To elevate her. To bring her closer to God. To listen and learn. To challenge myself to be better…. All so that i could serve her better. I humble myself at any chance I get to be better for her. And I’m sorry for all the things I’m not and all the things i’ve yet to become.
She’s Pure.
She’s Whole.
She’s Rare.
27.
My biggest insecurities as a man
Are being reflected back in the mirror of the love i receive.
I can pray away the demons but the damage is is lingering.
Like being laughed at took me back to middle school visions of the lonely i sit in.
These days i look at life through teary eyed vision.
Aint it a strange place when the ones you love look at you with estranged faces?
They spew venomous words to dig their fangs into the pain’s placement.
They hang you out to dry alone and then wonder why you end up stuck in the rain daily.
The pain starts to have a choke hold, and the winter cold becomes synonymous with my mission statement.
Heavy mind vs cold and cloudy days in.
Who do you turn to? when your heart is telling you that your losses are where your value lies.
I mean the Big GOD in the sky is never Shy.
People are fickle, and i’ve been loved through the trickle down effect lately.
Never first, I’m always last up and i get what’s left when all the love’s dried up.
I had to read back, to acknowledge the fact that my hurting heart has been lying to my mind.
I need to throw out my own life line because nobody is going to come and save me.
I’ve been carrying this shit dolo anyways.
My rucksack’s packed to the brim with my sins and my shame…
And there’s no raleigh team to share the weight.
I’ve been close to my lowest lately. And like all phases i know this shall pass soon enough. I feel alone. I feel embarrassed. I feel dumb. I feel like a failure. I feel unwa…
Hey hey
Running from my potential.
Reaching for the stencil,
find myself painting the same old picture.
Never learn the lesson from hearing or listening.
I have to live it.
Too caught up in fear
and suffocating in my immediate surroundings which means i can’t see past what is near.
Some days i cant even pic out my hair,
from low energy.
Survival mode like everyday,
No kingdom rush though, i can wait for my appointment at heavens gate.
i want to experience her better days.
I wanna reclaim the passion that’s slipping past my fingers when my mental state’s
declining… spent to many days trying to catch myself with my feet up reclining.
i gotta mold the future i wanna see this time and,
and bring the loml with me.
i’m trying to have a different story to tell this time next year you see.
we should spend our lives together. Taste the sweet promises of a forever. Work at mending and molding each other until we’re healed and we’re better. I choose your spirit on earth and I’d choose it in the further. I wanna see our love go far. You’re the shooting star I wish upon. and you’re my favorite song. I know all the words to your melody and i wanna sing along. Oh how I would love to be loved by you. To be the subject of your poetry. To be where your love flows. To be where you plant your seeds, where you watch your love grow. Imagine being chosen by Earth’s finest. I pray coverage over our union, i need divine intervention and some divine timing.
Let’s spend this life thing as a unit. I accept all the flaws that make up your perfect human. An oxymoron maybe. You like Michelin star level plating. Crafted. Classy and classic. Lost in your smile and much as i wanna be lost up in your ***. Imagine being tethered to God’s best creation. Imagine my other half being my literally other half. My same person. Im way too imperfect for another chance.
Let’s spend this life shit making sure we enjoy this life shit. Piece by piece breaking down our heavy loads. Heaven only knows how we push through. And you’re heaven to me but that’s old news. New news is that I’m ready. I’m seasoned. I’m learned. I’m closer to God. I’ve been humbled and stripped raw. Let’s write the next chapter the way we want. Let’s author better days. Let’s write and craft a story that even hollywood fantasizes about. Let’s edit what needs to be fixed and let’s shine.
She is literally the type of gorgeous that they write about in fables.
she’s epic.
She’s prayed for.
she’s everything.
shes immense.
she’s Empyrean.
she’s …
Dream Big 