Dream Big

Reconnecting pathways led to troubling terrain. 
This heart and brain are freezing from winters stained with blame.
My soul’s splintered and shamed.
The tug of the give and the take,
and I might even give my spirit away for better days.
The patterns are draining. 
Winter rains are my body’s domain. 

I’m a habitual day ruiner. 
I dug through my dirt.
To find the heart that I tried to pack deeply away.
I built these walls out of clay. 
So if you want to find me, a gentle push is the play.

The same pen that I write these poems with,
Is the same pen that knows I smile through my lonely.
Cosigning these sentences that show me. 
A dichotomy of setbacks and growing. 
The duality of who I have been and where I’m going. 
This pen carries more weight than boeing. 
This pen’s ink is ever flowing. 
It knows my fears, my anger
It saw me at my highs and saved me from my lowly. 
This pen could settle a thrown sea.
Or exorcise all the demons exercising their mind controlling. 

It holds the key to my future* but also knows all the codes to the safes of past troubles I had stowed away. 
It brings my healing to the forefront and ensures my betterment occurs on the day to day.

I get my message from a different source.
I carry a glistening sword into my spiritual wars.
I need more triumphs from my trials.
Tired of trying …

And I’ve been trying to find David.
Lost the key to his soul too long ago.
The downward spiral is endless.
I’m looking at my success from down below.
Wonder if I can catch it in my hands.
My body truly knows this shattered road.

My heartbeat earthquakes.
My mind has many fractures from these depressed days.
I’m manifesting my own right timing.
By preparing a lighter mindset.
Crafting diamonds outta nothing,
And putting purpose to my footsteps.

All the scret pains my body holds.
My spirit only seems to remember the worst words I was ever called.
And the best words I’ve heard now seem silly to me.
This journals voices my inner thoughts.
My pen flows through this silky soliloquy. 

I have a responsibility to smile again.
But where do I find my smile to begin!
I need to loosen insecurities.
Build tenderness in place of explosive tendencies.
Hold real love close and integral. 
The love you heal from is essential. 
My soul knows forever is only immense if you spend it feeling spent.
I’m better having had met you.

But is that a shared sentiment. 

Dangerously close to holding a healed heart. 
But that means I can shatter again.
I try but I’m batting a low percentage.
Can no longer escape my mishandled damages.

I wish I could find the man within me. 
Find a purpose or belonging.
I’m nothing at all.
I’m more losses than winnings.
An amalgamation of prayer and sinning.
In hate with who I tend to be.

Running faster from a better me.
Avoiding mirrors by any means.
Hold me up, because my spirit’s steady buckling. 
These words are my truest form of accountability.

Neglecting self reflection.
A trade off for a deep depression.

I feel like a last option.
I’m a sinking ship you take your heaviest loads and drop em in.
Who could find forever in my shipwreck.
I’m damaged jewels with no value left.  

Un import me from your memories.
Unimportant anatomy. 
I’m fragile with rough handling.
Caress your soul but cut mine into pieces.
I’m a prepaid plan, loving me is temporary leasing.

My soul is missing peace if it isn’t by the Bermuda beaches.
Praying that these prayers don’t just get lost up in the ether.
I’m sure it’ll be alright either way.

I needed you.
All the devilish wisphers I weeded through.
The mental prison in which I needed your keys so that I could loose.
Living off borrowed strength to do all the things I use to believe that I could do.
How could any human be right for you?

I’m hurt more than I could ever express. 
These words are me paying my nightly dues. 
I wish I was only lightly bruised.
But I’m the low-hanging fruit that turned ripe too soon. 

I needed you. 
God, it’s impossible that you abandoned me in these tough times.
Still trying to figure out what’s mines.

A full moon’s blossom.
A soul’s cry.
Intertwining passions as our atoms collide.
Two souls but maybe one mind.
Shared sentiments for a lifetime.
When is ever the right time?
Leave the darker days behind.
Send all these prayers to the skies.
How was I blessed enough to find a love so divine across 8 billion lifelines?
I’d phone a friend just to sing praises of how stunning your full moon is. 
The other phases never phased me.
We go together like turkey and gravy.
You leave a taste sweet and savory.
Every flavour of you saves me.

Heaven knows my secrets.
I hope the angels help me keep em.
Because this pen is steady bleeding,
The words I wish to keep in.
Theres no more room for vocalizing the thing’s I’m carrying.
It’s just me and the journal for my feeling’s burial.

Silence fits me best.
Any time I speak up it feels like I’m stepping in a trap.
Face down, I couldn’t trust in what’s coming next. 
This comes from my heaviest of chests. 

There’s no lock-pick for my heart’s hidden chambers.
All my damages go unclaimed. 
Loving me has way too many dangers.
My patterns go unchanged. 
My tongue cuts like a razor.
Self Love is a losing game. 

I’m a stain. 
I just wish my message could be reframed.