Dream Big

For all the malice I've directed at my reflection...
You would've thought by now I'd have learned the disadvantage. 
I haven't felt good about myself since that two year window where all of this felt manageable. 

I'm bull headed and damaged goods.
I'm like if april fools was everyday.
The burden on laboured shoulders that feels like heavy weight.
You know the one that got away? 
But it was better that way anyways.

I know that we define our own successes as much as we define our failures. In these last 3 years I’ve known two successes. But everyday has become a series of failures. I’ve found myself in a never ending slump.

I keep my eye locked on the tiny, ever fleeting glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. But I’m walking along a sharpened Bermuda limestone clifface and the light I’m chasing is the setting sun.

The only 1% I know is my better days. Because that’s the percentage of good I feel like I’ve experienced. And

I’m been missing a bit of self grace.
But mending a broken heart is a dark and lonely place.
My flaws were hung out to where only my spirit could wear them.
The broken me doesn’t fit who I am now, but I still have to heal him.

I spent a year drilling nothing but negativity into myself.
I cried more tears than all the water I could possibly consume.
God whispered to me that I would possess the strength and here I am having barely made it through.
Grief is a bottomless pit housing a tape worm and the pity I spewed was all the food.   

What is a broken man to do?

This is an apology for all my love and energy wasted.
I have no name i hold value in no spaces.
All the walls that i built up are plastered with shaming.

I was the prequel and the sequel with a middle as empty as my bleak soul.
Nobody told me that my paid penance was also owed to love’s reaper.
Social media will steal your worth and send another troubled soul to be your hardest lesson’s teacher.
Maybe healing’s within reach?

no more resuscitation for spirit shredding relations.
leaving dead things in time’s wake.   

Time is money , and I’m living in debt.
counting the missteps and unclosed tabs.
Moments slip right through my fingers that I never could grasp.
Is the reaper forgiving or do I have to pay him in taxes?
I wish I could trade my regrets in and get some feedback.
My soul’s run through like polyurethane 
I need to frame my progress.
Disposable’s the epithet.
Regaining sanity’s an Epic quest.
I would give til there’s nothing left.

this is a no sleep/ freestyle/ free-write session.
I’m sure we’d like blessings in place of lessons.

The rain washed away the embers.
The fire in my fight is snuffed out.
Life’s feeling tough now.
Maybe we’ll be alright if we score a touchdown
Or any win along this journey.
The tears i hold back are burning.
Want me like a bird wants to fly.
Guide me past the darker night. 
I was disposable long before I developed my might.
Disposable and me go together like depression and winter weather
Maybe spring is a call for better.

You were the one star that happened to illuminate my darkened night sky.
I caught a glimpse of you and knew that I had to follow.
You were a piece of Heaven’s puzzle that I needed to borrow.
I put my fears in your hands and hope they wash away.
I wish to give you all my tomorrows.
And love my one star for eternity.

My only enemy is the rampant thoughts plaguing the inner me.
The questioning of everything. 
My better half is probably better off flying under other wings.
I’m a spec of dust to her galaxy.
Dirty Thirty trying to keep my hands clean. 
Making it through by any means
but by the thinnest string.
all this weight on me is sitting heavily.