I’m sure you know how it goes, the monotonous motion of everyday life. Days starting by waking up 10 minutes before the alarm but refusing to move an inch because every ounce of sleep counts. Dreading any movement because you know that once you’re up there’s no going back to sleep. Although, as so as soon as your alarm sings out you jerk upright.
Dreading to start a day you know will only leave you feeling strained, suffocated, and strange. For me, being unsure what direction, I am heading in can be daunting sometimes. Especially when so much around me seems to yell that me, a pretty decent high school student, was supposed to choose university as my next step. My only option.
I already feel like I’ve wasted the past three years of my life studying subjects I truly see no future for myself in. And until I was brave enough to tell my mom, my biggest supporter, that I didn’t want to immediately go to university after Bermuda College, everything weighed so heavily.
ONE MORE BIOLOGY COURSE I WOULD’VE IMPLODED!
I was so gut-wrenchingly afraid to tell my mom what I want choosing to do with my life. To tell her my plans for the adventure I was hoping to go on. But I had to hold true to the promise I made myself. A promise to not waste any more time doing things that made me feel unsure, unhappy, and feeling like I’m underachieving.
There have been so many moments of doubt for me. When I reflect back to my high school days, I realized that maybe I could’ve received scholarships, and maybe wasted the one or two that I had actually received. That maybe if I just applied myself and went right to school I could’ve had a relatively free ride. That I could’ve had this school ish* over with. That maybe as I heard once or twice in my days at Berkeley, that I was, “such a waste of a good student”.
I never really applied myself in my three years of college either. There wasn’t much progression being made because I was genuinely lacking interest in the subject matter I was learning. I definitely lacked the interest to pursue those subjects any further. I wouldn’t say I was passing by the bare minimum but I never really pushed myself to achieve what I know I could’ve achieved. I never pushed myself to study or to do the best work. And yeah, I was working at 3 different kitchens most nights not coming home until after 1:30am. And maybe the “home” I was coming home to wasn’t very “homely” at all. Still, I could’ve done much more with my time at Bermuda College.
I was at such a lost for passion. Don’t get me wrong, I always knew the value of where I was. Bermuda College was a blessing. The ability to work and save money while in school, allowed me to chase a dream. The small classrooms, the teachers who care, the all-around great staff, and all those who made my experience special. Those who I interacted with on a daily basis definitely helped me get through many days. I most surely loved most of my days at the college so thanks for that.
That was never enough for me though. And how could it be when I wanted to be somewhere else. FREE.
Free of all the pressure. Friends, family, familiar faces always asking “what are you doing with your life or When will you go to university?” Or constantly messing up their faces when you tell them you wash dishes for a job. Never once asking about what makes you tick. Or looking to see the hours you put into bettering yourself. I always feel like such a let-down after interactions with people like that.
I hope to better myself. Mistakes from my past haunting me daily. As I’m constantly reminded by my dad to not get caught up in the trouble I once found myself in. It seems as though no matter how much I try to prove I’ve changed for the better, and show the positivity I feel, it seems the past will determine what your future will look like. But I believe that life is a mystery. That nothing stays the same and that I will positively impact every person I cross is my life.
*Side note, I absolutely hate when people assume just because you seem positive and upbeat and silly they can say whatever they want to you. The ish does weigh down and eventually could be too much*.
Yes, I’ve had many lapses in my character. Some recent ones I hope to grow from. I’m human. I screw up. I know I’m imperfection at is best. But, I am amazing. The best advice I can follow is to try and keep the same character at all times. The same person I am when I’m happy is the same person I am when I’m angry. David Alexander Simmons. A work in progress. My first step to reconnecting with myself.
I will disconnect from societal pressure. In a society so full of toxicity it can be so hard to maintain positivity. It’s so hard to know who you are because everything moves way too fast, everything we praise is negative and everything that groomed us makes us feel we need to conform. Until we become copies of everything negative because we desire so deeply to fit in. To feel accepted and loved. To cower from standing out because we know the ridicule that could potentially come from it. And in the age where any image can be spread globally in the blink of an eye, it’s hard to break that cycle. Well, I write we, but I can truly only speak for myself.
I spend days feeling so alone, undervalued, underappreciated, and trying to escape from becoming someone I would hate to see myself become.
Right now, I feel like the sun is rising on everything I wish to become. Like the world is at my fingertips. Like something draws me to reconnect with myself. I know I will continue to grow. And the key is to not be too hard on myself. To remember that I don’t have all the answers and that’s alright. To remember that life’s a trip. That I don’t have to be like anyone else to be the legend I know I will become. Or rather, the legend I already am.
Dream Big 