Dream Big

So yeah.

I think for the first time in a long time I’ve been content with where I am.

No where near happiness, but I’m okay with just going through my everyday motions.

But i’m also in the midst of overcoming what I’ve been struggling with the most. Trying to figure out where I fit.

What could possibly be the best path for David A. Simmons to follow? What impact am I supposed to make in the blimp of time I exist on the planet?

So working towards that I’ve been hashing out everything I’ve been feeling.

So I think I have a pretty good idea of where I fall short. Actually, it’s the only thing I’m sure off. It’s the only the I can remind myself of and all that plays through my mind.

I received a message recently which kinda solidified everything I knew I lacked in and reiterated how far I am from who i hope to be and how much have left to grow.

I also often think back to certain defining moments where these negatives have been highlighted, or I’ve been shut down for being me.

So this last summer I was doing a ‘beach cleanup’ and one of the organizers said to me “David whatever you’ve been drinking I need some of that” because I was ‘too smiley while participating in a beach clenaup’. Now for those of you that don’t know me I don’t drink. And tbh, most people I interact with on a regular basis would tell you I normally look very nonchalant and very rarely smile. (My parents often joke on that and i highly doubt they know the negative impact it has on my self esteem). One of my coworkers has taken the task of trying to make me laugh at work as Im often addressed as ‘ never happy’. Which I never am. Like i said. Im content .

I am normally good though and nonchalant is just my everyday face.

Whilst at a pool party, I had the parent of an associate, address me as ‘being on drugs’, because I was just being my goofy ole self. Something they just might not be use to.

Or Maybe what I consider ‘myself’ just makes people uncomfortable. This also struck a blow to my confidence.

Last one i promise.. I was told I don’t grasp the concept of being something I truly thought I shined at.

“You’re not that great of a pm you just, i guess, don’t understand the concept” ~Raleigh Bermuda venturer. Cut deep… Especially, As I thought this was something i was good at. And if that’s the most common view of me as a pm or not idk. But i do now question if that the right space for me to continue to give my time to if I don’t necesarrily shine at it.

Now I could go on , example after example, but I must stop. As even though this is my blog i know this is selfishly longwinded.

Im desperate…

Desperate to fit in.

Desperate to find what I’m supposed to do.

Desperate to learn.

To learn what I can say. When I can say it and to whom i can say it.

To learn Which version of myself I can be in certain situations.

Or which groups view me as what..

To learn if its best for me to fit into whichever role I need to play at a particular time or be if i should always be unapologetically me and take the criticism that comes from that.

Everytime I’m put into a new situation it feels like a lifetime. I’m so uncomfortable because i don’t know how to address it.

Do i have valuable conversation to add?

Am i too aggressive?

Are my views shamefully weird?

Is this talking too much?

Am i Talking too little?

All things i’m very conscious of in the moment but also just choose

Whichever lane and stick to it.

I long for a connection that isn’t you. (my physical journal, and my blog)

A judgement free connection .

I know where i fall short…

I’ve been struggling with a lot more than this lately but yeah.

So i hope i can one day find something i can call a ‘purpose’. Or can find where i fit. And can identify my strengths.

Oh and yeah. Case Study01, an album by Daniel Caesar. This shit hits. It really helped me realize the lack of balance my life has. How quick I am to try to hide or throw away my flaws. And how lost I am in trying to find my strengths , instead walking in them as a beautiful dichotomy that is molding me into being the David I want to be.

I know I’m falling short.

Daily.

And probably disappoint everyone around me.

But i love everyone regardless.

Maybe 2020 will be a year of understanding for me.

.

Good day, 
Probably David “Dutty Dispos” A. Simmons here, 

Just gonna share some words on my thoughts on ‘expectations of your 20’s’. 

First of all, I don’t know who said you’re 20’s are going to be the best days of your life because they straight up lied. THESE ARE THE MOST SPECTACULAR DAYS OF YOUR LIFE. AN ENDLESS SPIRAL OF FIGURING OUT WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT. 

Ok, enough yelling. 

Is this your prime? Possible. 

Life in your 20’s is endless, and somewhat depressing at times – but that comes with the territory. 

I’d like to tackle the notion that this is the timeeverything should be falling into place. What place necessarily? Where are we going? What is actually going on? Why does it feel like everything is spiralling out of control?
Oh, ohhh that’s because it is. 

Before I was a 20 something, I thought I’d be more social and go to lots of party and drink lots of wine. I wanted to be married and have kids by 28. I thought I would even look different. To be honest, I just imagined my older self in suits, looking professional and shizz. I didn’t think I would be the remarkable man that I am today. I didn’t even fathom me climbing mountains, sweating my life away in Nepal, Tanzania and Malaysia. I was unaware of the fact of all the life lessons I would gain from people from all corners of the world, passing down knowledge, wisdom, food and love in the simplest of interactions. I didn’t think I would be this lucky. 

Yet, here I am. 

I thought this ‘time’ would be an incredible adventure of self-discovery. And, it is. I have grown to love parts of me that I never knew I possessed, and decided to work on parts of me that I felt needed ‘fixing’. Sometimes, life wants to swing on you and you gotta feel that blow. It’ll humble you, and hopefully teach you a valuable lesson. If not, Life will come for your throat. 

Simply put, it’s about learning. 

Your 20’s are about figuring out why things tick, why you tock and why it costs so much for a loaf of bread. It’s not gonna be smooth sailing, if sailing at all. It may be you walking, with one shoe on while your old classmate passes you in a BMW. That’s how the pussy crumbles sometimes. 

Eat up, or be eaten.

What’s meant to be will be. 

So Be. 

Kali Uchas once said “Nothing good ever comes easy.” (and she ain’t never been wrong)

That’s it for now, 
Hope this helped, my guy. 

Special shoutouts to My mum, Keishas, Dominic, Sades, Jawonders, Davids, Phillips, Che, the one girl I met at the gas station, Ky Spy, water, guac, rice bc I love it so much – and last but not least YOU. 

Thanks for reading, 
Breathe easy. 

LOVE

A Reminder:
~ Learn to live in the moment. Far too many times I find myself wishing I’d been more observant to what I just experienced.

But yeah…
This is a love letter to myself, to nature, to those around me, and to moments.

I want to take a moment to express gratitude. To a balancing force. The force that in one way or another drives us to the extremes of Human nature.
LOVE…

To start, I want to send a positive burst of energy to those that give without asking. But more specifically, anyone who has shared that energy towards me.

People who, even when they have down to bare necessities, give graciously. You’re the people who’ve inspired me. You’ve taught me a new perspective to openness. Helped me lose a bit of the selfishness I’m sure I had at some point. TO BE ME.
You restore hope, make experiences, and have managed to transcend cultural and language barriers. You are, in your purest form, a reflection of love.

I now know not to limit my interactions with others. Be ambitious and take opportunities to make new connections. Because you never truly know how much an interaction can enrich you, or what new adventures await through a spontaneous friendship. The lessons you can be taught. The growth and happiness you can find and be blessed with.
Give a smile to a stranger.
Just give…
Now of course don’t be a pushover and guard yourself of who you give to (trust your intuition and learn through life) but share your worth with others.
Life is strange.

To nature.
Now I’m sure I’ve said this before but there’s something absolutely freeing about your presence in my life. Now I will keep yours shorter but boy have you given me something to look forward to every once in a while.
It’s just so necessary to escape into you.
To cleanse from society and restore myself.
Most times I feel like I should live within you, and my escapes should be to civilization.
But Maybe I’m crazy.

To the moments that have been breezing past.
Sometimes it’s hard not to want to hold on to you. And occasionally, I get lost trying to draw on pieces of you, to get you back. I Even forget you’re there. But isn’t that all the beauty of you. You’re always presence. There’s never a second, I don’t live in you. And every breath is a chance to grow and make the most of you. Thanks for being omnipresent, and oh so forgiving.
Each day a clean sheet to be everything I want to be.

To David A. Simmons…
YOU’RE FRIGGIN AMAZING
(still working on this last point)

Quick shout outs to Keisha, Kytsia, Burgers, My mom, Sadies
Love all of you

Do not. I repeat DO NOT …

dwell on those things which you can’t control.

Focus on what you can control, and that the way you react to things. Try to remove yourself form the emotions of the moment to moment interactions and approach all situations with the same level of strength and kindness you have in your happiest moments.

And just because something may seem horrible now. Doesn’t mean it equates to ‘bad’. Even if the only thing you can take from it is a learning experience, you may never know the way it will unfold. What may seem bad now could be good for you in the fewture*.

Also, life is too damn strange. Don’t waste your time trying to understand all of this.

Be true to you and Keep pushing

Dave to Dave

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SO I know I haven’t put anything in out in a good bit
But I’m back
And today I’d like to share a Real story with a little bit of fiction sprinkled in.
About a simple but lasting connection made in the beautiful hills of the Annapurna Circuit

There was an elderly lady who lived alone deep within the vast greeneries of the Himalayan region of Upper Manang Nepal. This lady couldn’t have been more than 5’2” with distinct wrinkles that mapped her life story and a slight hunch in the back, possibly from years of lugging things on her head strap up and down the vast hilly region she called home.

The lady operated a small teashop which was painted sky blue and had three tables outside its doors for guest to sit at.
There was a water buffalo just to the side of the building and behind him laid fields which the lady worked for her crops.
The front of the shop was plastered with a poster of the icon Bob Marley. A symbol of the peace and love she portrayed in her everyday life. This shop was very small, but yet was more than enough to house her and seat her guests.

A simple life. Yet very rewarding if each person she came across could leave with the energy to complete their day’s hike. And in actuality, she found this shop easy enough to operated by herself.
Located Quite far, approximately 4 hours, from the nearest town, her shop was an ideal break spot for adventurous hikers who chose to go to add an extra 4 hours to their day by going up and around the foothills of the Himalayas instead of taking a straight path which got you to the next town that much sooner.

This lady had the warmest smile. And Each day this she woke, she never forget to dress herself with it. A smile which she wove into her every moment. And even when other emotions appeared. Somehow the smile seemed to glisten. Whether through tears, anger, or heartbreak, and No matter how hard a day would become this smile was never fading. Some might even say it was tattooed on.

But despite such a heartwarming smile. She was often greeted by the nastiest of travelers. With no intention to share a positive connection with her. Many of whom would end up taking advantage of the restricted movements of her old age.

These people would stop by her tea shop to order a meal. They’d eat and hold conversations. Take off their boots to air their feet or read a book. Refill their water from a tap on the side of her shop or Maybe even stop just to sit around for a bit it a breather while enjoying tea, biscuits and sweets. Or delicacies like yak cheese or a bottle of coke.

The travelers would act as though they were completely satisfied as they proceeded to finish their meals. And right before leaving would ask for “one more tea” before they would pack up to continue along their day’s hike.
As the lady would move back to her kitchen to  prepare this last kettle of tea, the guest would pack up with the swiftest and quietest of movements to leave without paying.
A motion many of travelers had treated the lady with. As if the message was written along the path or shared in their DNA that this was the shopkeeper to steal from or To take advantage of.

And though this had happened time and time again, the lady would continually open her kitchen to every exhausted traveler that would come cross her path.
People who, while Hiking through the most majestic of places in the world, seemed Too stuck in their ways to realise the damage they were causing this lovely elderly lady.
Leaving a piece of themselves which began to weigh deep not only the lady’s shoulders. But also her pockets.
And as the years progress she considered making each peak hiking season the last her shop would be open.
In hopes To live out the rest of her days stress free. Tending to her fields ands taking care of her buffalo.

But determined to at least impart full bellies and warm smiles for the rest of this season she’d continue to wear her smile. Day after Day. Moment after moment. Nasty encounter after nasty encounter.

Then, one day the universe finally decided to bless her with an opportunity to meet a kindred soul.
A young man and his two hiking companions, one an old friend and the other who became a friend during this hiking period, lugged exhaustedly over the final hill heading to her shop.
Going about their day at their own pace in no rush and happy to be sharing these moments with each other.

The lady prepared to greet these three with her soul filling smile and stomach pleasing dal bhat.
During their time at the shop these boys sat and ate, conversed and relaxed. Then another group of travelers came to eat up the hill the eat a snack at the shop.

Without the need to rush, the boys took their time and ended up stayed longer than the group who who came after, who were probably anxious to make it to the next Town. More than likely missing out in the beauty of the every moment surrounding them. The snow capped mountains, and the fresh air. The local kids with infectious energy or the warm sun kissing your cheeks.

This second group, was about to perform the same act many other groups before had committed. And as the lady stepped into her kitchen, they got up to leave without paying the lady.
Finally at her limits the lady broke down. And maybe a testament to the boys’ kind souls she decided to share what had just happened, what had been happening for years, with them as they sat finishing their tea.

The lady shared and shared and eventually through tear filled eyes offered to make the boys one last kettle of tea before sending them on their way. One boy, moved by her story decided to leave her with a small parting gift, because it was embedded in his cells to act in this manner.
So before leaving the boys went to pay for their meals, but the one boy whose soul had seemingly intertwined with the lady’s decided to leave double the price for his meal. A gesture made in hopes that a little extra could help the lady in any way.

Not realising his intentions, the lady rushed out with change to give the boy. And struggling through a language barrier the boy tried to explain that there was no need for change. That the lady could keep the it because it’s the least he could do.

Finally coming to understand the boys intentions. The lady’s soul brimmed with a new light and she once again began to cry. This gesture was new to her, a kindness that hadn’t been returned to her in years.

Truly akin to the boy the lady rushed into her shop and returned with three chocolates, one for each boy. And though they were reluctant to take them, the lady was very persistent that this wasn’t a debate.

The boys eventually accepting the gift, and moved to part ways with the shop and the truly beautiful soul that operated it.

They had left behind an eternal warmth. And as the lady laid her head that night she felt the burdens of her life fade into the mountains around her, realizing that finally, she had been given back the smile she had shared for years. That she’d finally met someone who could impart her with a blessed exchanged.

The gift of A smile that would become timeless.
And as she moved through her days she eventually came to the fateful day that she’d close her shop for the final time, and live her days out in a way that could give her happiness. Blessed and thankful for the years she could grace all travelers that came cross her shop. No matter the response.

She constantly reflected on the boys and would cherish forever the connection the decided to make with her on that fateful Himalayan morning. Hopeful that the torch that burned within her soul, would now be carried on. A slight hope in humanity restored.

~
As i go through life I’ve began to realise that I just hope i can positively impact, even if in the smallest ways, every life I come into contact with. My legacy .
So as you go about your days, don’t forget to share the simple things and make beautiful connections with people.

Some shareable moments:
⁃ a smile
⁃ a joke
⁃ A story
⁃ Music and dance
⁃ Laughter
⁃ FOOD 🙂

~

Writing’s the best solvent

could never stop

2019 met my darkest of moments

picked up my pen just to help with recovery

writing’s been blocked but i hope the flow’s still buttery.

My heart’s heavy

when the pen and the pad meet my mind steadies

days numbered, like the sand in life’s hour glass leaks

scared that my reaper and time are speaking

I’ve been close to the edge lately

And time was only made to break me

hands down, the loneliest person

hands raised like I’m praising the heavens

and these are my last days

these are the nights we let bars carry us

we stay high on nostalgia, like wendy’s fairy dust

could leave us sicker than flu carriers

mama worried that devil’s stealing time from us

Being in the Himalayas was honestly the best experience of my life. I think the highlight was when we Got to the top of Thorong La Pass (5416m), surpassing my highest point of 3,300 metres, by a long shot. The air was always cool and fresh even when the sun was glaring directly down on you. My hairs always stood on edge, and my mind was always at attention.

I literally was able to free up with every step. The only things I had were my music, camera, journal, Prabin, and Gero. And even though I first found it hard to find the perfect balance between living the moment and capturing it, I think I found that balance well.

What a beautiful Journey …

.

Time Flies

removed the lens that was covering my eyes

I’ve been pretty close to the edge lately

passion gone head and fled me

No one knows my demons

the pad listens

the pad knew me when temper was quick

in past sinnings

The only way to let it go was hasty decisions

words slipping

or a face to let my fist hurt quickly

then shit it hit me

The only reason Anger was always different to me

was because I  didn’t mess with myself

gave up control to live like everyone else

had to unlearn that style

Pops told me every day is a blessing.

A clean sheet to not let the past be your determining factor.

never let a stumble do you permanent damage

and watch who you call friends cause snakes always come with their venom

These are the days we let bars carry us

disobedient to mother’s wishes

drown my pain in the sink with the dishes

wonder how far that’ll get us