Dream Big

All things Considered.

I’m at an all time low. There’s parts of me i can’t share on this. Even if theres no where else i can unload.

I just know I’m not happy.

Tired of feeling this feeling of absolute hopelessness.

I posted a picture of myself smiling to my Tumblr blog really i never smile. My mom said that about me once. “That boy never smiles”. She must think i’m miserable.

I’ve just never been confident with myself. Well tbh i think my smile is hideous. So i tend to avoid cameras.

And i’m always left feeling like shit when people ask me to take pictures. But having such a deep insecurity i just can’t. So either way its shitty.

That’s not even what this is about. I feel hopeless. And like I’m a huge bother to everyone around me.

I feel stressed. And worried about my fewture*. I feel alone. And scared about this one thing. I feel like a shell of myself.

I look in the mirror.

The person i want to be Isn’t looking back at me.

My mind is losing trace of who that even was actually

When everybody around me is just yapping and yapping

Sharing their perceptions of me

It’s me who i needed to believe in

But see. I cant get my words and thoughts to match up with my actions.

Confidence in myself is fleeting

I hold on to the negatives and ignore if theres even parts of me that do right

Im the Wicked soul that’s losing his fight with the light.

We should really start praising our own skin

Building our own minds

Taking our time

To stop worshipping the unattainable

Love what we can do

Love who’s around you

Trust that what we are is nothing less than beautiful

Think about your passions

Set goals and conquer them

Cater to your soul because if you dont there are consequences

Like shutting yourself off to those that admire you

Missing out on lovely moments while blindly stumbling through

You should be kind to you

We should Start living for each other

And make sure when we reach the finish line it was worth it

And Have no regrets

Learn how to move along

Dwelling on the past could hold you back and just do you wrong

And while planning for the future

Has its place and holds its value

Dont miss out on now

The present is a valuable battle

Lost Passions.

They Had me drowning neck deep in depression

Stuck in the pattern of letting my mind drift.

Cant keep pace with it.

Feeling defeated when i’m faced with it

Sitting here,

Not in control of where my mind’s racing

Too caught up in wishing for better days

And instead of mending what remains

I’m struggling to make the pen hit the page

It’s a shame

Trying to move away from my fucked up ways

Depression took its took on my wounded soul

I Was Contemplating

Making these my last days

I felt as fragile as glass vases

I made the darkness my own

The bane of my own existence

You brightened my world

Unlocked my chambers of secrets

Happiness no longer toying with me

It’s placed itself in the fingertips of my reach

Just gotta focus on it

Break the paradigm of self pity

Make the most of this

You were a piece of my mind’s anchor.

Now my peace of mind’s floating.

Fleeting

For a long time I’ve felt angry.

Unwanted.

Unheard.

Unappreciated.

All separate emotions that we’re very weighted by themselves. But once mixed, became destructive.

They Lead me to hate myself. And possibly to hate the world for making me feel that way.

And i say the world because that’s what you had become.

My world.

All my energy and time and passion was poured into you.

And i didn’t feel the reciprocity.

But I’m glad.

All of this gives me a chance to relearn myself. And maybe better yet. I can continue to learn you. To love you. All while learning to be my own World.

And through love lost and pain and destruction caused maybe We can grow a bond much deeper than love can describe.

Where we focus all our energy on ourselves. And thus we know when we have to address things with each other.

To think back and analyze all the times we fought would be crazy. I don’t even remember why we argued half the time.

We was just fed up.

Two different styles of communication. Or non communication. That led to never working things out. Never discussing things in depth.

I need to learn to forgive myself.

We’ve been through a lot.

And thanks to that i won’t give up on myself even though i’ve fallen short countless times.

I’ve found rock bottom this past week. Been scraping by day after day. And then i found out there was an even deeper level of hurt and pain below that.

I want to reach rock bottom again. So i can find my path to recovery.

I love you wholly. I love you to the ends of the universe and back.

But now its time to do that with and for myself .

If you’re reading this i hope you’re taking care of your mental during this time of uncertainty. Of staleness and monotony. Of having too much alone time with your thoughts.

But also i have a question , leave a comment with your answer

“How do you think you could go about recovering from the unrecoverable?”

I wish

I wish i could wake up tomorrow. And have realized i was living one big nightmare.

To have a reset button.

To be able to start all over again.

A second chance at one of the most meaningful phases of my life.

But that would be too easy.

This lockdown is already hard enough.

But now wallowing in self pity.

Self-hatred.

Disgust….

I don’t think i have it in me.

The strength to pull through this.

The will to forgive myself.

I just hope it gets easier.

I just hope we’re okay.

Oh how i wish it could’ve been different

The pain we put each other through

We fought and argued

Tussled and Bustled

All the past pain we had bottled

We just sprayed at each other

No place to guide it

But at what we had in front of us

Being stuck in one place

We had no choice to but to suck it up

No choice but face it

The damage we were causing

With no known precautions

Boundaries were crossed

And I think both sides were to blame

Strategies became the same

One up the destruction

To cause us more pain

Then we’d go back

To Putting on our fakest smiles

our happiest faces

Gave it all I had

But i guess everything changes

Im the Tormented soul all the angels Missed

Tempted by the Devil’s grip

Tried working with what i had control over

But only ended up making slips

So angry all the time, Always on edge

It was bound to explode the way that it did

Take me to a heartbreakers anonymous

So i can open up

At times it seemed you never gave a fuck, Jane Villanueva

While my heart for you was as bottomless as Kaiadas

While you probably thought i was a big ole’ complainer

A confrontational stranger

So for now I’ll crawl as deep as i can into the pain of my brain

Try to come back to the world after lockdown a completely changed man

I’ll work on me for me

I’m gonna Battle all my demons

Call me Jensen Ackles

Cause it just got a whole lot emptier in my world

And all my darkest thoughts echo.

“Your future self sees you tonight. What do they make of who you are? Write eight lines from them to you, and eight lines back to them, from you.”

Dear Present Dave:

Go easier on yourself. You’re human. You’re allowed to mess this up sometimes. As long as you don’t dwell too much on those screw ups You’ll be okay. You’re where you need to be. You should definitely read more. You need to write more. Find something you’re passionate about and stick to it. You don’t want to reach my age and be stuck in the same place you’re in now. Continue to work on yourself and make the most out of what you want in this life.

Dear Fewture* Dave:

Does it get easier? What should i get myself into these days? I have nothing but time in this lockdown. I always feel lost, like a shell of who i could be. But enough about me. I believe in you to be honest. I know you’ve made something of yourself. That you went for what you wanted most. That you’ve been a positive member of whatever communities you have reached. I hope you’ve touched the Seven continents. I hope you’ve climbed that mountain. I hope you worked on yourself. That you’re a good father. I hope I just get to make it where you are.

P.S. KyAsia thanks for the prompt. You’re missed.

P.P.S. The song of my day is… Erykah Badu- Hello.