Dream Big

I know I haven’t spoke to you in a while.

Just know I’m not okay.

We out here though.

July 19, 2020.

So.

Yeah.

I actually don’t have too much too say today.

I Just want to acknowledge that I feel good.

I know emotions, Like most things in this life, are temporary. I know another low will come. And then sometimes I’ll be in the middle.

Love y’all.

Reach out to me if you need me.

I’m always around

Bless

Hello.

It’s me again just writing down my thoughts as I’m working through them.

So quite often I find myself asking God and/or the Universe for things. Whether that be just watching over my girlfriend, or easing a certain friend’s struggles, or to give me hints that whatever I’m doing is right. I always ask the higher powers to provide that for me.

And a lot of times I feel I don’t receive a response. Or instead of answering one question they just throw another issue at me for me to struggle with. Actually, I tend to think maybe they even forgot about me because I often forget to pray just to give thanks. Who really knows?

You know how sometimes your parents tell you that you just have to learn things “the hard way”. Maybe that’s the response I’ve been getting. The lessons I’m being taught. The Lessons I’m living through to mold me into the person I’m meant to be.

So, what I think now is that maybe no answer, is the answer. Maybe the God-iverse is telling me no. Maybe they’re holding off the blessing because the struggle is what I need to be experiencing at that time.

Maybe this feeling of Hopelessness I can’t escape has a purpose.

Maybe this feeling of having a lack of purpose is right for me.

Maybe it’s all aligning so that when I do find hope and passion I get to enjoy them that much more. After longing them for this long.

Maybe I need to fall.

Fall far and deep so that my spirit can be ready catapult into it’s next stage.

Like a Sling-Shot.

I don’t know.

You know how the further back you pull the sling, The further the object you fire ends up flying.

Maybe that’s the purpose for this stage of my life.

I sure believe it’s so. That this all has a reason. Even though I really don’t like it all that much. Feeling so low so often.

But hey. We Outchea.

Also, side note, take care off yourself. Don’t take too much on. Take care of your mental. Pace yourself from exhausting tendencies.

Align your energy with what matters if you can. Don’t waste too much on the shit that drains you. Cause the time you spend on that you can’t get back.

P.S.

You’re Beautiful.

Believe in yourself.

Chase your dreams.

Lets call it like it is,

Time’s so good at whispering sweet nothings in my ears

Making it easy to forget I’m only renting it

My days are numbered

Need to grab my passions while I still have the wits

Sick of feeling defeated when I’m faced with it

The Damage is done so now what

Breaking the cycle of feeling down

Matter fact catch me in the Mountains eating Dal Bhat

with my head in the clouds

So close to God’s gate

I might as well give a knock

If he answers I’d actually be shocked

That he didn’t abandon me for lost religion

Jog my memory to what I felt in the beginning

A kid’s freedom.

before i was dancing with the devil,

cause now I’m sparring with him.

Gimme totsuka’s sword to trap and guard him

Stand tall,

Raise your head to the skies

Take a pose and raise your fist up high

Steady yourself in your stance of defiance

Protect you mind

Remember to take a break from the images of violence

Tell me

what’s better than the cool summer breeze

sun kissed skin

kicking on the beach with your friends

We stay shining even with our dark skin

what’s better than melanin ?

shit

protect your mental before there’s too much harm

We black and as beautiful as the paradise we live in

Pray the universe eases up and is a lil forgiving

I Believe Everything in life has a balance.

The key must be to find out what that balance looks like for you. I don’t think I’ll truly ever figure this thing out before I die but I plan to make the most of it. I’m sharing what I’m thinking about, maybe just in hopes that it helps you figure out your image of balance. And with hopes that my shared thoughts makes sorting through yours even a little bit easier.

So I wanna talk about living in the moment.

I think too often I find myself caught in what I’m not experiencing right now. Whether that be spending too much time dwelling on my past, or too much time thinking of where I’d like to be in my future. Or even worrying way too much about what other’s think of me. I can’t seem to escape those patterns.

But what I’m working on is overcoming that.

I was told when I was a teenage that we are our pasts.

We are our mistakes.

And that people don’t change. EVER.

But i refuse to believe that. I see change in myself everyday. I’ve seen major changes in myself over the last few months and years. Some changes for the better some for the worse but change nonetheless. I don’t believe the past has to be the determining factor in who you’re going to be. Rather it should give you guidelines into what traits you might want to grow out of, or experiences you never want to have again. But I don’t think you need to spend everyday thinking of your mistakes, or who you once were. Instead, You grow and you work on yourself in the now and experience the changes you want to make in your life. Give yourself time to time reflect on what’s working and what’s not. But forever experiencing your growth. Because I think if you spend all your time dwelling on shit that’s happened, you neglect yourself the chance to heal and grow in the now.

The Now.

I think the Present is all we have.

I guess the future will never really exist. Because every moment you live through will always be the “present”. So we can’t spend too much time thinking of what we hope to become.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s value in looking to the future. But once again there’s a balance.

So plan for the future. Planning is a very valuable tool. It helps you hash out goals you wanna set for yourself. Helps you create a vision of what you want to accomplish. Helps keep you motivated. Planning can help you work towards breaking habits. And it definitely helps in figuring out short and long term ambitions.

But be careful, because just how I think dwelling on the past can be dangerous, I think spending all your time planning can be as well. Make sure that you’re not so caught up in goals that you neglect yourself now. Don’t commit too much into what COULD be to end up being blind to the beauty and magic of everyday life. I can’t tell you how often I’m stuck wishing things could be different. Planning for it. Then get disappointed when things turn out different. And maybe if I didn’t spend my time wishing, I would be actively preparing myself for alternative versions of what could be.

But don’t completely lose the value of planning, even if what you plan doesn’t work out. Life is Strange. Unpredictable even. Just make sure, you know, that you don’t set yourself up for utter devastation if your plans don’t work out.

Find your balance.

I read a quote once that said, “Just handle what’s in front of you now, and the future will take care of itself. Otherwise, you’ll spend most of your life wondering which foot you’ll use to step off the curb when you’re still only halfway to the corner.”

And i guess the same can be applied to the past. You may be so caught up in which foot you used to step onto the curb that you bump into many obstacles on your way to the corner.

Everyday I focus on the now. Learning to commit 100% of myself into the moments I’m experiencing. Letting the moments seize me. So i don’t miss out on the beauty surrounding my every breath.

I hope everyone’s alright.

Love Y’all

Anyways

I just want to remind you that if you’re reading this you more than likely matter to me.

If you need me i’m here

Shoot me a message.

Call me

Whenever

Me?… I’ll be just fine

How I wish I could be a kid again.

At that age when everything amazes you. Where everything is worth a try and the dreams are bigger.

I was i could meet my younger self and see all the things that truly peaked his wildest interest. What sparked his imagination.

Just a glimpse.

I don’t know where my path is leading. I don’t know where my talents lay. Or even what I truly want to do with my life. I just want to do right by those i meet. Can’t stress that enough.

Someone once called me a “Jack of all trades and master of none”. That was cool 5-8 years ago.

Now, and it may be too late for this, I want to be a master of a few things. So i can make the most of this.

“The bittersweetness of times I wish to capture” ~Earl

As human beings are considered as the most intellectual being on this planet yet we are trying really hard to make this world possibly not easy place…

Today’s Development

I’m in love.

I don’t know how to describe this feeling except terrifying.

But here’s to a queen.

I know it hasn’t been easy loving me…

I fall short. I’ve fell countless times. And dragged you along while i was at the bottom. I didn’t understand how to navigate the intensity of being loved as much as i feel you loved me. I couldn’t even actually comprehend why someone would love me so much. And definitely couldn’t see why they’d stick around once they got to know me.

I never even wanted to stick around for myself.

But i decided I’d love you hard. Give you all you could ever want from a partner. Teach you love the parts of you that might’ve not been your favorites. Tried to make you feel as beautiful as i saw you (which i guess is hard cause i truly think you’re the most beautiful human to grace this earth.

I’m inspired by you.

The way you persevere.

Through school. Work. Life. Me.

You always come back strong and determined and nothing can stop you.

I want to dedicate a blog to you.

I’ve been writing alot of what makes me sad

So why not address a part of me that made/makes me happier than i’ve ever been. And share that with this space.

I hope you know that you’re my biggest inspiration in life. and other than wanting to do and be successful for myself. You’re the main driving force behind my desire to constantly better myself.

You have the most outrageously beautiful smile.

You’re smart and goofy and caring and strong.

Everything i’d hope my love interest would be.

And you possess all the qualities i’d hope my future children would see in their mother.

You’d become a huge part of me.

And idk how to describe in words the true capacity of love i have for you.

But i will say this.

You could take the time to Count all the stars In all the night skies across the galaxy. And you still would find my love wouldn’t have diminished one bit. You’d actually find with each star you counted my love grew deeper.

What i feel for you has been deeper than what love means to me.

Its a quantum connection.

Like our atoms vibrate at the same frequency.

And our souls have been intertwined .

Continue to grow

Continue to glow

Continue to water your flow.

I hope “forever” is just a start for us.

If not then i hope it’s at least a glimpse in the length you find happiness.

You’re a very Real. Free. Pure. Whole. Soul.

With love,

🥑

In my dark times

I construct rhymes

of all the shit that i’m going through

My pen writes

Through this dim light

So my pain could come leaking through

How much damage can you put into your soul

Before all your screws start coming loose

Or before you’re burnt out like the wick on the bathroom candle

How much pain can your mind handle ?

Trying to keep a tiny piece of my sanity in tact

But it feels like a war protecting that

Nothing feels like how it felt before.

I’m at a all time low

Focusing on Mending my own soul

If not there are consequences

Hope the bounce back is strong

But who could ever know

In these times of uncertainty

I feel i’m at the point real life begins.

Finding out who i am

While taking everyone else’s shit in

Navigating through passages of sin.

Questioning if God can even hear me

But at the same time still thanking them

Sick of trusting in my heart’s cries

The things my mind tells me not to do

Had me believing in pieces of me i never even knew.

Writing through my deepest of mind states.

I guess I’m depressed.

So sick of trying not to show it

Catch me at Mariana’s depths