Dream Big

Jaded.

Life’s been feeling like an uphill battle as of lately.

I hope to protect my heart and mind before they slip away.

But I fear they’re gone and it’s already too late

Jaded.

Life’s been feeling like an uphill battle as of lately.

I hope to protect my heart and mind before they slip away.

But I fear they’re gone and it’s already too late

“Keep a sense of humor, especially about yourself. It is a strength beyond all measure”

~ D. Millman

So.

I’ve come to the conclusion that you can’t actually out run your past.

No matter how many positive steps you take in the right direction. As soon as some similar to your past mistakes pops up, you’re back to living under a microscope. No matter how much you know you’ve changed and how things are not at all like they were.

The people affected by your past mistakes will never be able to give you a clean slate in those regards. They will never see similar situations the same again. They won’t be able to understand that you aren’t doing the same thing.

But the only way to move is forward. Trust that if no one else does, you know your heart. You know you aren’t making the same mistakes. If your intentions are different you gotta trust that time will heal everyone involved.

You gotta strive from the constant discomfort these speed bumps give you. Grow. Adjust.

Be understanding to those you’ve hurt. Because even if your intentions are better the situation may be so eerily similar that its hard to overcome.

I’ve made mistakes. We all have.

This time I think I understand that it doesn’t matter if I think it’s different. Because those hurt by me in similar ways before think otherwise. So now I know that I have to be better. For myself. For the fewture. Because second chances in life are few and far in between.

And I guess overall I am learning it’s not for me to determine how people feel from my actions. But to own them in their truth. To take the bruises. To fight the shame. Apologize. Grow and continue to better myself. To be better. Because if I say i feel let down by something the least I would hope if for you to understand why I feel that way.

Idk if anyone’s reading this.

But if you ever feel like a constant fuck up you’re not alone.

All i can do is strive to be better than who I was a minute ago.

We out here.

P.S.

If non of this makes sense I get it. My brain’s pretty scrambled right now.

Instead of quitting all I start

I just needed to focus on a finish.

Instead of hiding from the trauma

I just needed to come right out and face it.

Embrace it.

Heal it.

Deal with it.

Therapy, friends, and a change of mind was what I needed.

Been searching for a piece of my peace of mind

Dumpster diving in the Back Alleys hoping to find it.

Wishing my depression good riddance

And hoping my happiness becomes timeless.

Instead of the glimpses

I envision

Playing deep within my mind

And Like sun rays bursting through the stormiest skies,

I’ve been feeling at odds with the unverse

But to be honest thats fine with me.

I thank the pad for all its time with me.

Cause now I’m shining.

Been searching for a piece of my peace of mind

Also tryna find all the shit tucked deep inside you

The stuff you tried to hide from the world

The shield you put around your mind’s truth

The bars around your heart

Caridic arrest, I spit these bars

I hope that i find the right words

My pen playing the surgeon, mending all your wounds

Encouraging you to share a burden with me,

The shit that only i can find in you

The best parts people may overlook

But the things that keep me forever intrigued

With every new chapter in our book

I hope that i better you, cause you’re making a better me

It feels like i’ve known you for an eternity

The way you open up is new to me

Finished being scared of forever with you

Its amazing

You keep me Grounded ,

My hearts pounding

Its got me wondering what else is in store for us

You straight flames self immolate call you Van tuc

I’ve been learning how to speak to my soul.

Cater to it.

Really just focusing on paying attention to when it cries out to me.

What I’m starting to realize is that there are many different layers to the soul.

There is the part of your soul that calls out for love. The part that calls out for purpose and belonging. Other parts calling out for adventure, good music to vibe to, a moment to relax, or just likes to hang with friends. You know, parts left to uncover.

But I’m learning how to read what I need when I need it.

It’s probably the reason I was depressed for a while. I wasn’t tending to the right parts of my soul. Thinking general approaches would fix everything.

But I took time to feed the different parts.

To give them well deserved attention.

I started writing more because that’s something that helps me heal. Helps me solve. Helps me uncover hidden thoughts.

I went searching for new music. Music that is good to listen to just because I can share the struggle. Or just chill. Or be uplifted depending on my mood in that moment.

I sat and shared parts of me I had tucked inside.

I listened. I started to listen to others more and more. Just grateful that someone was empathic enough to share intimacy with me. Hopefully watering their seed, while they were knowingly or unknowingly watering mines. You know, just sitting with someone and sharing connections is valuable.

The soul remembers those moments. Sparks when you interact with those people again.

And I hope through connections I leave , if if only just a tiny amount, positive energy with all of you guys.

I think it’s better now. Looking back from the other side. From a slightly better place.

Earl said it though, “In the middle of the trip i couldn’t reroute it”.

I couldn’t see my way out because I was neglecting myself.

And it took some time for me to start learning to be patient with my rate of growth.

Appreciating my own timing.

It’s beautiful.

We’re beautiful .

Life is strange!

I forgot about the pad cause I met this therapeutic chick

Her presence was just enough to clear shit up a bit

She played the surgeon to my wounds and could mend it

But now I’m back on the paper with my pen and a vengeance

So many stories go unfinished

Mines is yet to unfold

Pen filled with passion,

Passion leads to gold

Sitting here pouring out my soul

Feels like my brain and heart split as I grow

Focused on making the best of times in my darkest days

Tried building the strongest of structures on the flimsiest base

Connecting through the internet lets the realness evade

No space for the demons in my new mind state

My fingers just go and i lose trace

3 am tryna find my place

Trying to find my purpose,

and let it take hold of me

Let destiny take over me

Conquering my fears cause that’s where bliss will encounter me

Hope my impact lasts for eternity

My minds racing like brickyard

Times wasting I quickguard it

My mom calling to see if my heart and mind are in tact

My skies clear as i write this track

~ Something I wrote somewhere in early 2017

I’ve been Learning how to speak to my soul

Mend All The pain that I’ve been living through

The devil keep me on my tippy toes

Through this love we’ve felt hurt and it shows

I Find myself facing constant Lows

Everyday a new chance to learn and Grow

Trying to find Peace in this forever

She got the key to my heart and she knows

She got the graphic image sewn in her shirt

And her ambition flies high to the sky

You would fall in love looking at her

And if youre broken she can heal all the hurt

We damaged

We lost passion

I dont know how long i had depression

But i’d help you find the answers if youre asking

To Whats next and

I’m tracking

My happiness right now

Giving my queen her crown

And watch her take off the ground

And rule the planet

If you want it then just plan it

Cause this planet

is a minor goal for us

Time wont hold for us

Time wont slow for us now

Asking god to show me right now

What this life shits actually about

Is the everything i need to see

If im exactly who i need to be

Just me

I wish i could put the clutch on the hectic pace of my brain

To Muffle my pain

Silence the feeling theres nothing left to gain

Nothing’s been the same

Since Frantic thoughts started jumbling my mindspace

And Depression became my closest friend

Betraying me since way back when

I wanted to be as smart as Tj Henderson

Wish I could take it back to the arcade

and buy myself some extra lives again

Think im stuck in denial

Whats wrong feels the most right

At least im so low it must only get better

Im searching for a light

Would sell my soul if it meant peace for yours at all

Even if it means losing the peace in mines you know

Learning how to speak to my soul

The devil been keeping me on my tippy toes

And this pandemic got me revisiting my worst states

Writing to numb the pain

Hope my problems blend into the page

Smudge and smear into the lines as the tears leak down my face

Lets see if it gets better or stays the same

If the depression remains