Dream Big

Nothing feels how it felt before.

The pressure was storing up.

The balance destroyed.

Depression toying with me,

But at least my mental is strong.

And through my darkest of times,

I tend to drag you along

And that was probably wrong.

It was probably wrong.

I’ve been so unsure.

My confidence is dipping,

But yet my faith is restored.

Satan been tempting me

But I come ready to spar.

I’m ready to take this locks of my heart.

And give a cry out to God.

I feel the surges of passion

I feel my victory’s assured.

The proof is in the pudding!

And I have this.

Checking all the goals up of my checklist.

The pen help me unpack shit.

And it helps with recovery.

My writing‘s been blocked

But I hope the flow it stays buttery.

My pen could flow off this depression

But my happy keeps on buffering.

Am I stuttering.

Let me know.

Maybe not, maybe so.

I’m at the fork in the road

Where my path is unknown.

I can see the bigger picture.

Should I stay or should I go.

Catering to my soul.

And following my ambitions.

My intuition is tingling

Time’s ticking.

When the moon hides itself from the world it feels a much colder and emptier place.

What a magnificent being.

Even the sun gets a clean slate everyday.

To rise and stake its claims on the world.

Warming the waters that chilled in its absence overnight.

When it sets.

So maybe I still have time to rewarm the fire I feel I had lost.

The passion that fled me.

The happiness that taunts me.

Giving me small tastes but refuses to be everlasting.

The tingles I get randomly.

I will accomplish all that I set before me

Ignore the cold waters

While I move on to the more warm things!

The Moon’s looked great these last 4 days

The waters must be colder

Now that our seasons have come to change.

Is the anything more left for us to discover?

I ask as I watch some leaves blow and float away.

While others stay and fade.

Decay.

What happens when they leave this Earth.

Does their energy still remain.

Is it just a change of state?

Do they travel through the cosmos.

Or leave this physical plane?

Catch me drifting with the waves.

I hope in this new season the warmth I’ve found can stay.

In 2020 I’ve started to feel that there’s an algorithm for this life ish

Limits.

It seems like it’s telling me the more you try to break through the more it’ll plan to set you back.

Keep you in it

Confined to it’s rules.

Be obedient and like Michelle just spew out ok “you got it dude”

I gotta stick through things when I start them

Peel back my layers of inner thoughts

Feel myself reverting back to who I was in past sinnings

Glimpses of the better man I’m becoming losing out to the worse man that I was before.

My inner thoughts becoming my outer tendencies,

It seems the year we have the most time to learn ourselves

Has turned me back into my own worst enemy

Roaming through spaces that haunt me

Places where good memories attached

The universe and its damn shit feels like its taunting me

The more you desire those feeling the less likely you’d ever get them back

It’s like you encounter so many different pieces of advice

All the right ‘keys’

But not one of them fits your happiness’ latch.

I was caught up thinking the goal to this life was to make it sweeter than a lifetime supply of cream soda or some shit.

Instead of experiencing the flow

The ups and downs

The push and pull

We all know how that shit goes .

The only way forward

Is to keep moving yo

But don’t worry

We stay in here like Freddy in your dreams

Still learning to appreciate the smaller things

Rain or River Baths

Cold waters to cleanse your soul

The Earth cries for us

Here We go again.

It’s easy to look out at the vast, cold, chaotic waters of the sea of life and feel overwhelmed.

Small.

Lost.

Scared of what’s waiting for you beyond what’s in your immediate view.

And that’s been me lately.

Feeling intimidated by my lack of purpose. Lack of understanding in who I am and who I’m destined to be. It Feels like I’m drowning yet I haven’t even taken the risk to step out into the open ocean. The waves crashing into the shore kicking up so much salt spray that I’ve felt lost in a cloud of gray. Not sure if I’m going forward or backwards.

Stagnant.

Caught deep in the monotonous everyday motions of work. Sleep. Eat.

Then in the rare moments the salt spray dies down a bit and the cloud begins to clear. It gets better for a while. You know how it goes. I feel like there’s gotta be some way for me to tackle this crazy World. But then I come to a halt. Why would I step out into the grand ‘ole ocean when I’ve made a comfortable place splashing around in the warm puddles of the tide pools I’m use to. The ripples I create so small on the cosmic scale. Longing for my ripples to turn into tsunamis. Because every atom in my body tells me I can be so much more.

Emotions carry me like waves.

The horizon becomes clearer. My destination becomes closer. I’m on the crest of the wave and I can see everything I want within my view. I feel like i’m flying.

And I’m not so afraid of the fewture. Because I know the fewture is going to be what I make it.

But then from that high I come Crashing back down.

Deep into a trough. And everything becomes dark. And it feels like I’m about to be swallowed up.

Hopeless.

Once again feeling overwhelmed by the vastness of the ocean I see around me.

But I gotta push through.

So here I am now.

At my crossroads of destiny.

Should I stay here.

Lethargically stumbling along the high water mark.

Feeling discomfort.

The cloud of fear and uncertainty is sure to make its way back into my view soon.

Because I’ve been acting too afraid of what the sea holds for me right now to take that blind leap of faith.

That Ezio Auditore.

But i know should I go.

Submerge myself beyond that place of fear.

The place where success and bliss exist.

I can’t let what’s behind me define where I go from now. Can’t let it limit me.

Can’t let this self doubt I’ve been feeling swallow me up.

The security of being safe on the shorline, but being slammed back and forth like a piece of trash trapped in the receding waves of horseshoe bay has become unappealing to me.

My souls cries for more.

I don’t want to end up like an old sole washed up on the rocks forgotten and withering.

My intuition is tingling.

Time is still ticking.

One step at a time I will doggy paddle my way forward to the horizon.

Towards my dreams and goals.

Until I reach my sunset and I can take one last look back on the journey Across the waters and hopefully be satisfied with all my experiences.

Hopefully leaving behind a display of colors unseen before. The most beautiful sunset the world’s ever known. Leaving one last positive moment for the world to view.

As someone who is in my shoes now looks out at their ocean contemplating what’s next for them. And hopefully Finds inspiration through my words. My life. My presence. Knowing they’re not alone.

We can do this.

And together we can make it easier.

We out here.

2020 straight doo doo water.

Like sun rays fighting their way through the stormiest skies

I feel as if I’ve been at odds with the universe

I hope she plans to take it easy on me

Everyday I try to shatter the ceiling of the box I placed myself in.

Dangerously close to letting the walls close in around me.

Suffocating.

But at the same time I know this is where I thive most. Dig the deepest. When I’m at my most empathic because I’m no longer as nonchalant as I tend to be. Because I feel the pressure of everything.

Feeling like I’m blindly stumbling through a foggy world.

Unsure of my place.

Unsure of my value.

Unsure of my purpose.

Unsure of myself.

Always unsure of this.

Unhappy with who I’ve been these past couple of months.

But knowing the only way to push through this is to move forward.

Everything looks the same.

Bleak.

‘Misty eyed fallacies.

Lead me to self deprecating tendencies .

What I see isn’t necessarily

What is meant to be.

I wish I could be in tune with everything

But it’s hard because what’s missing,

Is the better parts of me

We in this shit Like Freddy in your darkest dreams‘

So we keep pushing.

These past two weeks I’ve been feeling pretty low.

It hasn’t been easy.

But I know in this room lies a key.

A key that fits the keyhole of a door I can’t yet see.

Opportunity waiting to knock on the other side. Waiting to embrace me as its King.

Bless

P.S.

Its 1:24

I can’t sleep because I’m really sad rn. IK why. You guys don’t have to .

I’ ll sleep it off

We’re going nowhere fast.

That’s what I tell my reflection when I see him in the mirror.

It’s like I’m going around in circles watching time pass me by.

Listening to life,

While she Whispers Sweet nothings to me.

Telling me everything’s going to be okay

But yet it all seemed like it wasn’t meant to be.

We’re going nowhere fast

And it feels like everywhere won’t come anytime soon.

Like the good times are too far and too few.

Wish I could take it back to 2005.

A simpler time.

A simpler me.

A Simpler you.

But i know time’s got me up in its clutches,

Ready to squeeze me dry.

But If it so pleases the greater design

I just sit and hope the universe takes it easy on me.

Never really sure hold to take hold of my own destiny.

The only things I think I know is that sitting here bumping music staring at the ceiling is good for me.

Or sitting by the water at the beach.

Free.

Envisioning what it’s like to be everywhere.

Disconnecting from the nowhere that’s gotten the best of me.

Because we’re trying to find the light even on our dark days.

You know like when you see the sun rays,

Fighting for their life trying to shine through

Competing with the grayest sky.

We’re stuck at nowhere,

Watching everywhere pass us by.

The place where ambition and self doubt collide.

So it’s easy for me to  surmise

We’re only at our highs

When we play down all that’s behind us.

Cause it’s our mind that harms us.

It’s hard to break free of the monotony

When you deep up in it.

To be stuck in nowhere is fair for now.

Fear of failure keep us in the same motions.

It’s harder to break free than to keep going.

But the only way to ease the damage

Is to habitually seek everywhere in your everyday life.

And I’m sure everyday we could make it easier.

What’s behind us

Isn’t what’s defining us.

Nowhere is where you find us.

This shit is heavy.

Everyday is a new slate to fuck up.

Everyday, an opportunity to do worse.

Everyday, a new chance to slip into destructive tendencies.

The ones you try to run from.

Unaware of the fact that they’ve been creeping up on you the whole time.

This feels like the fastest decline.

Further.

Deeper.

Sharper.

Bleaker.

It’s like trying to fill up a beaker that has holes in it.

The more you pour in the more it drips.

Everyday you can end up worse than everything you’ve been working towards.

Worse than the darkest of your inner thoughts.

Worse than where you are, because you’ve retreated back to where you was.

Stored emotions start to pour.

You’re sure you’re going through it.

Like glimpses of good thoughts running through my memory.

Everyday I feel more suffocated.

Like maybe there’s more for me.

More to my everyday than I’ve been making of it.

More in store for me.

The things placed right at the edge of my fingertips,

But not quite in my grip.

Be careful before you fumble and lose trace of it.

Everyday could be a chance for me to pursue that.

All that I am longing for.

Maybe knock on heaven’s door.

Trying to find forgiveness for lost religion that left me long ago.

I’m sure it gets better you know.

Everyday a new chance to find and purse my passion.

Dig my dreams up out the dumpster where I left them.

Be better for myself because that’s truly all that’s left here.

Everyday should be a new chance to make it,

WHAT I MAKE IT.

Feels like I’ve been up in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber training

and bettering my mind-state.

And now I’m stepping out on the other side ready for the world.

I know me and the Universe got some shit to talk about.

But for some reason I think we have everyday to figure it out.