Dream Big

In regards to the last few posts.

Leftovers is the first part

Then 2nd course

Then 3rd course

Thanks for reading as always

After cleaning everything up I look and see its 7pm. Still early in the day for me when sometimes I don’t sleep til 6am.

I sit down on the edge of my bed and start to pump myself up. Today is the day I go outside.

I’m going to go and grab a bowl of ramen.

Maybe even sit in.

I stand by the door for about five minutes battling the anxiety that’s welling up inside me. Telling me it’s stupid to go outside.

I go over to my over-bed shelf and grab my Skullcandy over ear headphones. I open the apple music app on my phone and click on a self made playlist I started creating during the dark weeks I had just overcome. Plenty of Earl Sweatshirt, MF DOOM, Tyler the Creator and Daniel Caesar, mixed in with a bunch of other random songs.

I grab my wallet. And slip it all into my small backpack. I through it over one shoulder and tackle the city.

I end up catching the subway to Momosan at Lexington Ave.

As I open to go in the restaurant one of the waitresses, saying the only spots open where at the open counter top area they have.

I sit down in the only available seat and keep my head down.

As I wait for my food I feel overwhelmed with anxiety. Feeing like everyone in the restaurant was just staring at me as I sat there.

When I get my order I feel even worse thinking everyone was now watching me as I ate.

I try to keep my head down and just power through just this one bowl.

When I hear the chair squeak beside me and the girl sitting in it ask if I eat here often.

I look up to see if I was being talked to and was awe-struck when I locked eyes with who was sitting next to me.

One of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen. Feed-in braids. M letter gold chain. A leather jacket, hoodie, some blue jeans and Doc Martins.

I choke on my words at first. I haven’t done this in a while.

“No this is my first time here.” I manage to chalk up.

“Well consider yourself lucky this is the best Ramen spot in the whole of NYC.” She gently inserts. Her voice taking away all the noise of the restaurant. Her glow giving me something to focus on.

“Uhh, I disagree. The best Ramen is clearly Hide-Chan down on 52nd.”

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” She asks “Don’t tell me that’s the same spot down there with the doo doo colored broth”.

“The same one”.

I get lost in the conversation.

Some time and good coversation later she brings out her phone to check the time and says she should get going. She had an early class at NYU and needed to get some studying in. She was studying film editing and really needed to get use editing “Mise en scene” shots and was watching films that really had that technique down pack.

I pull out my phone and see that its 8:45.

I had been here for almost an hour and a half. Much longer than I intended. But thankfully, also a much better experience than I had hoped for.

Before she stepped away, I realize I hadn’t asked her name.

“Luna, like the moon”.

Fitting for someone as gravitational as her.

I ask if we could exchange numbers and maybe I could take her to Hide Chan sometime to show her some real ramen.

She said she had a good time but is really bust with school. But ends up giving me her number before she leaves.

#Going on out dates has given me something to look forward to.

A reason to drag myself out of bed everyweek.

A reason to get showers and abstain from drinking so much.

Now, I only drink when we go out. And even then I tend it’s nothing more than a few glasses of wine.

Luna And I had already gone on five dates and things we’re looking good.

I’ve been telling her I hadn’t been working because I’m in between jobs.

I had moved on from one job only because I had another one in line to start right after things in the city calmed down a little bit more.

Restrictions were starting to ease bit by bit in the and the city was becoming as lively as it once was so I figured it was a reasonable excuse to use. That I’d be starting another job soon.

But the truth is, I never even started to look for any other work. I really just started getting outside my apartment once I met her. I know, technically I still have a job until I’m terminated fully. But, I don’t see them bringing me back on any time soon. I don’t know why, but it just felt like lying to her about my job situation seemed to be the right move. It left little room to question the lack of self care and ambition I’d been displaying recently. I didn’t feel comfortable letting her see me for the unmotivated sack of nothing I had truly become. And it surely less room for me to disappoint her.

I’ve been trying to bring up a way to tell her the truth but i’m sure at this point it’d probably be easier for me to actually just start looking for another job then to let her know i had lied to her. even though it isn’t that big of a lie.

You know, people everywhere always say starting relationships off on lies is a shaky foundation. I agree.

#Tonight I told Luna to be ready by 8pm. When i arrived outside her place in the uber i was awe-struck as she walked down her steps. Her hair in fresh passion twists. She was rocking the white high top comme de garcon sneakers some jeans and a denim fleec jacket with a scarf. Swarovski crystal glimmering around her neck. Simple, but oh so stylish. What really was catching my eye was how much this new hairstyle really suited her. The way she had it pulled back and tucked behind her Head.

I ordered us an uber and reserved us my booth at Hide Chan ramen. The place of our first date. A place we still debated over and we’d had at least three times alread since we startewd dating.

She had been saying she loves ice skating but hadn’t been able to go yet this year. So after eating at Hide Chan I ubered us down to union square where I spent most of my time on the floor of the rink. I left with nothing but a sore bumm and a thin thread of my dignity still in tact.

Next, we ended the night by going to a comedy show in Times Square before going our seperate ways. I ordered he an uber home as she had early plans made for the next day so ending the night here was good for her. A great evening with a great girl.

I decided i’d get on the subway back home. I had asked my borther to send me some money from back home, and because he knew I wasn’t working he actually sent some to me. If he knew I was using it to date someoone and not for essentials I’m sure he’d be livid.

As i’m walking through time square I see the AMC theatre has an “for work: apply online today sign in the window.”

I think to myself why tf not. So as i’m walking, i put head down in my phone I creat an account on AMC’s website, scroll down to the careers tab down the bottom. I fill out the application before I reach my apartment.

I wake up the next day and I see two notifications in my outlook inbox. One, an automated response from AMC but the other was an email from asking when I can meet with them on zoom to move on with my application process.

I didn’t think they’d actually respond especially not this quick. I sure am happy though As I’ve been scraping through my savings to pay rent. And I might still need to figure out a way to cover rent this month as I’m running low on funds.

This could be a good start for me. A way to get back into the routine of working again and get back on my feet. A way to give myself something to distract myself with. Something I can show to Luna to prove I’m serious about finding work.

I can start here and still look for other work.

The next day at 2pm I call with AmC times square and all goes pretty well. They say I’m pretty qualified to be working at the theatre and say they have a managerial role open in their Lincoln square location and talked to me about possibly taking that position.

I tell them that works for me. And for the first time in my life I was asked “ when can you start?” I thought that only happened in tv shows.

I tell them I can start as soon as required and they told me keep an eye on my phone and they’d hit me back when they’ve made a decision.

Later that same evening I got another call offering me the managerial position. They say i can start on Thursday which is normally the slowest day they have.

They gives me two days to do all the necesities. Cut my hair. Shave my beard. Get some new clothes. Even though im sure there’ll be uniforms for me.

After I started Working at the theater I picked up all the tasks and everything i needed to know pretty soon. After three days, I was working double shifts.

Clocking in as many hours at the theatre as i can so i can make up for all my expenses.

My time to spend with Luna had become limited. Which is fine because I’m sure shes swamped with work and school. Shes been taking up some part time hours at a Zumies by her apartment to help her pay her way through school. A Real grind.

A couple more weeks pass this way. Luna and I sort’ve just drifted apart. We hadn’t spoken much and hadn’t seen each other in over a month.

I was already growing tired of the theater. The only perk is watching movies whenever i want.

The pay is alright. Barely enough to get by.

This febraury cold is hitting different. Freezing. I hate the morning commute to work. Walking these cold ass NY streets.

# I get home from work around 11pm to three miss calls. I played back my voicemail and it was HR at PRINT’D asking me to reach back out to them.

As soon as I had my first break time at the theater the next day at work. I call PRINT’d and after a five minute phone call I was told I could come back to work the following monday.

I end that phone call and call the full time AmC location manager who wasn’t going to be in today to break the news to them. I tell them I wouldn’t mind putting in extra shifts here and there until they found a replacement for me. Just to help out when I can. The staff loves me. And I love all them. Its a real good crew.

# “1 new whatsapp message”

Luna:

“Hey! Just wanted to let you know I passed all of my midterms. Great grades. I have this weekend off to have a break before starting the second half of this senster. I was thinking of grabbing a booth at the SECOND best ramen spot in NYC around 8pm. I’m sure there’ll be space at the back booth for someone else if you’re free. Hit me back and let me know”

This life is strange. It’s so unpredictable and that’s the beauty. Although, I found myself neck deep in chaos and depression. I really just needed to award myself the same forgivness I give everything else in my life. The lows and highs are natural. Look how it’s reflected everywhere in nature, mountain peaks and valleys, or canyons. All right next to each other. I just needed to remind myself that it’s fine to feel how I was feeling. Especially in the post pandemic world where everything was unsure and overwhelming. Uncomfortable.

And It’s fine that I experience that in my everyday lives. I just needed to find a way to actively seek out beating the discomfort. And urger myself face first into growth.

I owe it all to Luna though.

She was my light in the darkest times. And she will forever be the best part of me. Because she ended up reaching out to me when I needed it most. Just a reminder to give your loved ones their roses while they are still here. To help each other through. It makes it easier

Its been two weeks since I got the phone call offering to pay me out of my contract. Since then I’ve started down the path of no return.

Drinking too much.

Not eating.

Not sleep.

Losing track of time and days.

Staying up to ungodly hours.

3pm sometimes.

I’m Down bad and anemic.

Really feel sluggish and unhealthy even though I’m just staying at home doing nothing.

Everyday diving deeper into my self hatred.

Chinese takeout boxes and Tony’s pizza boxes scattered everywhere.

With the empty bottles of beer, Red bull and about 6 cases of empty coke soda cans piled ip in every direction.

Apps making it easier to never leave the comfort of my home yet still get everything I want delivered to me daily.

I roll off my sofa bed. Crashing to the ground with a surprisingly satisfying thud. It kinda wakes me up a bit.

I have one white sock on my right foot. No sock on my left foot. My sweatpants stained with grease.

It’s no room to really step so as I make my way to the balcony I just kick trash all over the place.

I wanna smoke a cigarette. The only time I leave my apartment now. Is To sit on my third story balcony.

Overlooking 12th street.

Then I see her.

Around 5’7. Espresso brown skin. Leather puffer jacket. Brown sweats. I can’t see her shoes from this angle but I assume they’re fire.

I look away. Up to the sky. Any angle to help not feel like I’m creeping on this girl.

But it’s good. I catch a shooting star. Every so often I look up just to remind myself how blessed I am to be here. NYC. ‘The greatest city on earth’.

But damn she was fine.

I feel a rush of excitement fill me as I realize I need to get out again. I need to Do more. Feel the cold January air against my skin.

I really need to start by cleaning myself up. Maybe I’ll start by setting a good sleeping schedule.

What good is sitting here doing nothing? The world’s still moving around me and nothings changing on my end.

#It’s crazy how it’s already been a week since I feel that way. Since I saw that girl and felt like I should get outside. And be better.

I thought it’d be easy to pull myself out of this slump. But all I did was fall deeeper into these bad tendencies.

It’s nearing the end of the month, i look at my phone it says January 26, 2022, and still no news from my job.

And I couldn’t tell you the last day I showered.

But a step in the right direction would be for me to get one right now.

So I swing my legs off my bed. And hop up. Feeling a rush of pain go straight to my head. I get Overcome by nausea and dizziness. I plop right back down.

I gotta push through though I hop up and briskly walk to the bathroom and slump over the toilet ready to unload the contents of my stomach at any time.

I must be hunched over my toilet for about 10 minutes before I vomit. And as soon as that comes out, I feel it coming out the other way.

I don’t even have time to wipe the seat off before I start to feel the diarrhea explode out the other end.

It was probably that 2 day old slice of pizza I ate that was just sitting in the box on the side of my bed. I figured it shouldn’t have been this bad.

I stay on the toilet for about 10 more mintes until I feel good enough to crawl into the shower.

I turn on my space heater. Then close the door to the bathroom. I turn on the hot water all the way up and the cold just a bit.

And watch as the glass door of the shower starts to fog up. I get in. Embracing the steam as I feel the burn of the hot warm scorching my skin.

I love it. I flinch a bit as I fully submerge myself under the stream of the shower head but this is just how I like it. This is the most alive I have felt in a long time.

I squeeze a couple of droplets of Dr Bronner’s pure castille peppermint soap into my shower sponge and splash it under the water.

The tingle from the soap as you lather yourself has to be the purest sense of feeling clean. And for me this is definitely the cleanest I’ve gotten all year.

The worst part is the couple seconds after getting out though. Peppermint soap leaves you freezing.

I rub grab my towel. Which is crisply warm and dry because I left it draped over my heater as I showered. As i wipe my face dry. I accidenraly kick the heater on the ground. I flinched back in pain. “Ahhh, FLIP”. I kick out at the heater in frustration with the sole of my foot. Almost immediately bending over to pick it up. I’ve always had fears a heater like this would end up creating some sort of fire.

I stand in front of the mirror. Letting the rest of my body air dry. Disappointed at who I have become these last few weeks.

I need to snap out of this slump.

I examine my body, my scars, take in all my imperfections and insecurities. I feel sadness well up inside me as my eyes begin to water. This is a different low. Post Pandemic low.

I dab the remainder of the moisture off my skin and slip all my clothes on.

I got to my mini bamboo bookshelf and pick up a notepad I haven’t written in for months.

I write and write. Letting my tears and pain smudge the ink. Engraving my pain into the page. Leaving a worse part of me there.

I rip the page in half and step outside to the balcony. I light the paper on fire and put in in my ash tray. I put another mini ash tray on top of it so it doesn’t blow away.

I feel a minuscule amount of sadness leave my soul. Just enough to give me a glimmer of hope.

The newer strains of the virus have left scientist scrambling to find a new vaccine. To limit new cases but the clusters continue to grow.

But I’m going to be better. No one else is gonna do it for me.

I go to the kitchen. Or what is left of it buried under the disorder. I scavenge through the debris to reach the cabinet where I have trash bags.

I take out the whole box and take it to the main living area. I turn my tv on and switch to the YouTube app. I search through the ‘Music’ tab for one of the ready made playlist and choose the one that says “my supermix”. It never fails.

The first song that plays is MF DOOM- Rhinestone Cowboy and I just know this is the right playlist.

I reach into the box of trash bags. Take one out and flap it open.

I reach down and start cleaning up the mess around me. Digging deep to get it done because I’d rather be laying in bed.

When I finish I have 6 full trash bags of debris clean piled up by the door. I grab my broom and do a quick sweep. I do a quick mop with my Swiffer Wet Jet filled with lavender cleaning liquid.

I search through my small closet for a coat and some burgundy slip on vans. And start to take trips downstairs to take my trash to the basement.

It Feels like I’m picking my feelings up off the floor again.

Or at least what’s left of them.

I knew this day was going to be coming. My two week notice of being made redundant was handed to me as I walked out the door leaving work today. It’s fine though. Thing have been crazy in the world these last two years.

As I step outside to the cruel embrace of NYC winter I button my jacket shut just for that little extra layer of warmth.

The city seems colder than ever today. The freezing winter breeze squeezing its way through the high-rise of buildings surrounding me on every side.

I lethargically drag myself in the direction of my downtown Manhattan apartment. Not really taking in much of what’s happening around me in the forever bustling streets. The only thing to break me from my clouded thoughts as I stroll the streets is the occasional bumping of shoulders from a stranger refusing to make way for me as we cross paths.

It feels like my soul is hanging behind my body. Watching on from a slight distance as the sadness envelops me.

I feel a mess.

A tear rolls down my cheek and freezes on my faces. Snot bubbling underneath the mask that have been mandatory to wear in public for the last two years. It’s probably more so the cold weather making my nose run than me crying.

I’ve always like the winter better than all the other seasons though. The cold suits me better because I have turned cold as late. Digging myself into a hole of isolation from those that have cared about me most in my life.

I’d knew I would most likely be one of the next people laid off by my job. They’re already let 12 people go due to a crumbling economy. Less demand for our product equals less sales which all means less need for as many employees. The company really seems to be going to shit. A reflection of the world falling apart around us.

A true reflection of how I’m feeling right now.

I pull the scarf my nana knitted for me closer around my neck and tuck the excess into my knee length corduroy winter coat.

I slip my hands into my pockets because I forgot my gloves at home today.

I pull my beanie out of the sleeve on my laptop case and slip it over the top of my head. A staple of my wardrobe since my teenage years.

Now I’m fully equipped to make this long walk home with a least a shred of comfort.

As I walk, I realized I don’t even feel like being home right now. I figure I might as well head over to my favorite Ramen spot in the whole of New York State, Hide-Chan on East 52^nd street. At least then I can escape the cold for a bit and warm up as I process what just happened.

As soon as I walk through the door the staff all greet me with smiles and shouts “AYE JAXSON”. Marie, the waitress, tells me I came in at the right time. Someone had just left my usual booth about two minutes before I walked in. I like to sit in the booth against the back wall of the restaurant, kind of away from the kitchen area which has a counter and stools set up right in front of it which leaves you seated right by the door.

I reach my booth and drop my briefcase on the seat across from me. Before I sit down, I take off my coat and scarf leaving me with just my cardigan and beanie to keep me warm from the cold blasts of air that shoot in whenever someone opens the door. Marie asks me if I’d be having my usual and I say of course. You cannot go wrong at Hide-Chan with the eggplant bun, coconut curry ramen and a ice cold can of Coke.

I like to get my food together so it will probably take 10-12 minutes seeing how busy the restaurant is right now. It is a pretty popular space for after work sit-ins and take out so the kitchen would be preparing a lot of food right now.

As I wait I pull my laptop out of its case and log onto the New York Times website to read through the headlines of the day.  

The election for NYC Mayor is heating up with slander campaigns starting. Dark times ahead as no politician has really stepped up during the pandemic. There was fire in a lower Manhattan church, and a string of robberies on the subway between 14^th street and Times Square were the main headlines of the day so far. In the City That Never Sleeps you’re bound to have more headlines after the sun goes down.

Next, I open up my email to find a message from the company waiting for me. I click on it.

It Reads:

“Dear Mr. Nook,

We regret to inform you that in addition to your two week notice we have to ask you to close out any open accounts you may have. That would mean for you, by the end of notice, finishing any deals you have yet to complete. Any deals that will not be able to be finished before your two weeks will need to be transferred over to one of your colleagues and you will need to provide the company a rundown of all your remaining clients. We will reach out to you if we require further information from or if we have the availability for you to return.”

That will be easy for me as I only have one deal in negotiation right now.

For the last three years, since I graduated from Pace University undergraduate, I have worked for a company called PRINT’D.  We specialize in anything printing. We print signs, banners or whatever you may require. We sell printers wholesale or retail. We sell office printers, photography printers, and a new line of 3d printers. We do it all.

I was on the team that was tasked with making sure the 3d printer sales met the projection target.

My sales had been down 30% since last year when I was selling printers and fax machine to office all across the city. And that’s mainly because selling 10-20 printers to an office building was much easier than selling a single 3D printer to any one client.

I was working on a deal to sell discounted 3d printers to the Harlem Public Schools Board, but that deal was going to have to wait to their next quarter’s budget. Now, I wouldn’t even be around until the next quarter kicked in almost 2 months from now.

So now, potentially my biggest sale of the upcoming year, would have to be transferred to a colleague to complete and collection commission from in my absence.

But hey, that’s the company’s problem come two weeks. They can decide what to do with my leftovers.

Why am I acting like this is the end for me and this job?

I’m just being made redundant. I could be brought back when things get back to ‘normal’. All the experts expecting the economy to bounce back this year as travel restrictions ease thanks to widespread success of the vaccine and limited new cases.

I have a feeling this ‘normal’ will still be face masks and social distance when you can. Avoiding anyone that coughs and washing and sanitizing your hands every five minutes.

My food finally arrives. I devour the eggplant bun in two bites, but take my time to enjoy the ramen. I take long slow slurps. Greyish-brown coconut broth splattering on my keyboard as it flies off the noodles as I gulp them up from the bowl.

The flavor’s a little lack luster today. This ramen normally slaps.

Maybe today is just not my day.

I close my laptop, The black and gold Hp Spectre 360, and slip it back into its case. I stuff that into my briefcase and leave the bill and a little tip on the booth table. The good thing about being a regular is I have the price of my meal down. I don’t have to ask for the bill and just leave the money and go whenever I want to.

I throw back on my coast and scarf and head out back into the treacherous cold that’s on the other side of the door.

I swiftly walk to my apartment pretty much jogging my way in once the brick colored building comes into sight.

Walking up the three flights of stairs should be enough to warm me up a bit before I get inside my apartment.

As I reach my door I see a “Rent Due’ paper stuck to it.

It’s now January 5^th and I’m officially late on my rent for the past month. I rip the paper off my door and insert my key into the lock and push the door in to enter. I crumple the paper up and throw it towards the trash bin in the kitchen area. It narrowly misses the bin and I commit myself to cleaning it up later. I just go to the bathroom and shower to relax myself a little.  

As I wash my hands the dread finally starts to set in. Recently, my hours have been getting cut back more and more every week. Two weeks ago, I was cut down to 30 hours, last week about 25. I did some calculating and it would be barely enough to cover the rent bill for this expensive Manhattan studio apartment.

I dry my hands on the navy-blue hand towel hanging on the shower and walk out the balcony door. The best part of this apartment in that I have a balcony that over looks the Hudson River. There’s a couple chunks of ice flowing down the river today. Not too uncommon for this time of year.

The stress is starting to become overwhelming.

I try to slow my breathing but the cool, crisp, dampening air just makes it harder to do so. My best option is to head back inside.

I pick up my two cactus succulents from the doorway, I place them there so they can catch as much sunlight as possible. I put them back on the shelf above my retractable bed. I have one of those beds that fold down from the wall, it is just much better for space. Less good for comfort but I make do.

I press one foot down the Achilles of the other to remove one shoe from my foot. I then use the free foot to step down on and remove the other shoe, kicking it halfway across the apartment watching it flip to a spot that’s too far for me to pick up right now. I move the comforter on my bed to the side and I collapsed into bed. Letting the depressive thoughts take me over.

This is the same pink comforter my ex-girlfriend left here when she left my life. It keeps me warm and gives me the last piece of her I still have so I hold it tight every time I get the chance. She left as soon as the pandemic initially cooled down and travel restrictions in state relieved a bit. I had not spoken to her since and don’t even know where she moved. She blocked me on all social platforms so there is no way for me to even contact her if I wanted to.

This was all about a year and a half ago right? Time has moved so differently this last two years it has been hard to keep track of everything that’s happened.

I reach over the edge of my bed and pick my laptop out of my briefcase. I grab the charger as well and lean over the other side of the bed to plug it in. I log onto my renter’s association account and pay my $2,300 overdue rent. I then log onto my bank account and see I’m left with about 167 dollars in my account after all the pending holds.

I think I read somewhere once that it is city law that if renters neglect to fix problems with an apartment like a broken sink the tenant can withhold rent until the problem is fixed. I can always clog up my toilet and complain a bit if I get desperate at the end of this month.

I sold eight printers on January second and even with reduced hours for the next two weeks, the commission from that sale should help me secure rent.

I should be good. I bring up Netflix and bring up an old episode of Community. “Paradigms of Human Memory” season 2 episode 20. I feel myself relax ever so slightly and sink a tiny bit more into my bed.

I see my phone screen light up and there is a call incoming from an unsaved number. If there is one thing I hate more than just answering the phone period, it is answer the phone to a number I don’t know.

I reach for my phone. I slide my finger across the screen and put it up to my left ear. Moving my beanie aside just a bit so I can hear the caller properly.

“Hello Jaxson speaking”

“Hello Mr. Nook, this is Mone’, HR for PRINT’D. Just checking up to make sure you received your two week notice letter.”

“Yeah… I got it” I say with a somber tone.

“Well I’ve been informed by management that they wish to pay you out of your contract. This means, they’ll pay you for the two weeks straight up and you won’t have to come on site. This minimizes contact and makes it easier for everyone. This pay will be for your fulltime, 40-hour work week and will be paid to you on Payday. You would though, be able to come into work on Monday to make any final preparations of accounts and such. They would like to know ASAP if you would like to take them up on this offer.”  

“Yeah it’s seems fine to me”, I reply with little hesitation.

“Okay then Mr. Nook, I’ll let management know you have accepted their deal and I will email you a copy of an agreement you can print, sign, and scan back to us for confirmation. I will be in contact if anything further is required of you or if we need to inform you of any changes to your job status.”

“Cool, sounds good to me.”

“You have a good day there Mr. Nook”.

“Thank you, Have a good one.” I hang up and toss my phone to the side.

Two weeks of pay with no need to do the work. Sounds like a plan to me.

Be grateful for today.!

Refuse to waste the blessing that you’ve found in this day. Here. Now. A new slate to be everything you weren’t the day before. This day, right now, is a new opportunity to right your wrong doings or pursue that dream that seems too far out of reach. It’s your chance to become who you want yourself to be and to let go of the things that are holding you back. It’s a chance to grow, no matter how difficult it is.

Refuse to waste the opportunity to take in all that’s around you.

Look up. Interact with the stars and the moon. Let the sun warm your soul.

Every moment, every breath. Take in the beauty of it all. Enjoy what this planet has to offer.

Look out. Look across the seas. Past the horizon and think past the limits you’ve placed on yourself. Address those limits and seek out ways you can actively work to overcome them. Expose yourself to what makes you scared and uncomfortable. So that you can overcome.

And know that, on the other side of this discomfort you’ve been feeling recently is the balance you wish to acquire.

So how do you get there? Reach for it. Open yourself up. Let your passions flood you. Let your dreams inspire you to try. And even if you fall short, move forward. Cause now you’re equipped with knowledge of what doesn’t work. So maybe next time you bring tools with you to help you reach. Then you Reach again. And again. And again. Until everything you want is in your fingertips.

Also, for you 27th year, Practice true altruism. Give, not to receive, but to bless the people around you. To uplift them and help them along their journeys. Now that doesn’t mean to not guard your heart and soul when they need protecting. And it definitely doesn’t mean becoming a pushover. But just focus on how you can positively impact this world. It’s people. Your people.

I want to reach for the stars. I know I’m small. Such a small blip in the cosmic scale. Billions of years of chaos floating around me. And yet I want to leave my mark. I want to set this time as an important time. To walk in positivity so that everywhere I go for the rest of my journey I can leave positivity in my wake. It won’t be easy. And I’ll fail many times. But why not try to do it. The time is now. And the place is Here. At 26.

Time’s not going to slow down for me.

Lastly, Practice Gratitude. Intently. Be grateful for this moment. In all moments.

Walk with courage and compassion. For others, but mostly for yourself.

And 26 will be your year.

Bless my G.

David

WordPress post circa 2021

My past is keeping me stifled.
Whispering all the things I could never amount to.
A Cruel reality.
The ghouls are sick of battling.
Whatever was under me is shattering.                        My foundation scattered.
I rush out quick to face it, like a king’s gambit.

Tap my fingers on my desk,
Creating the beat that I step to.
Seeking some sort of pattern
Or comfort to attach to.

I’m writing even though my tank’s empty.
I’m rhyming though my heart’s heavy.
And painted Dark as the night sky.
Or as dark as where my mind is headed.

Or darker than the bottom of the kitchen skillet.   I reach for greatness
I can feel it brimming.
Or brewing like the witch’s killing.

No more sitting here rotting away.                   Knock some sense into my head like a medal game.
Go against the status quo, tryna renegade.
Set new paths, trailblazing like I’m Chevrolet
I’m in my Dame Time prime, I live it everyday.

One step.
One breath. 
One moment at a time.

Working hard enough just to earn this shit
You the center of my universe called that Copernicus.
This is bout to be 26.
Making plenty of mistakes
Taking too many licks.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea
But the one for me is special.
Must’ve crashed in from space
Cause the glow about her’s celestial.
Ethereal.

Made of wifey material
A hot cereal of chick
She Kinda thick
But not really if you try to stare at it.
Breath Thunderous.
Thunder thighs
Tryna build a foundation up under us.

She’s all I need, this is wondrous
Got all of me feeling all kinds of gusto
Examine you, to find all the things that’ll thrust you
into to greatness.

My lil honey bee.
Wine and dine you over charcuterie.
Boards
Ill support you like boards.
And before my smile gets inverted
You treat me how my mama would
Have had hopes for.

You take my breath away
Leave me choked up.
I make you laugh, I get my jokes up.
So I don’t have to string you along through what I’m feeling when I’m down.

Fancy clown.
This is a piece of my inner calm
My healing.

The better half of me.

My time is slipping past me
Shit’s moving kinda fast
If you look away for a second
It might just slip right through your grasp.

Being unapologetically me
I’m empathetic to the things
That keep our heads down you see
I was sinking.

Bad dreams with my eyes open,
I’m at the brink and
If i tumble off the precipice
That’d probably be bitter sweet.

If heaven was lent to me.
I’m sure I still wouldn’t be able to engrave it in my personality.
Or mark it in my seed.
I’m on my ben Kenobi universe thing.
My mind drifting through the cosmos.

Hoping i’d find the pocket
Where I can go back in time yo
And give myself any sign
I’d make it out better than who I envision i’d be
But That’s just a Nolan fantasy

Catch me at speciality
Losing my self in worlds
That never will be
This is the worse half of me