Dream Big

I Found a way to heal my curses with pens.
And surround myself with people that don’t mind who I’ve been.
Who know all my sins and hold me tightly to them.
But keep me grounded and helped me find my smile once again.

It is what it is.
At the beginning of adulthood
Just searching for some ends.
No fucks given.
We need a Kama sutra  
The lower down you get,
The more the karma starts to suit ya.

Switch it up another gear.
Another level.
another battle.
Inside me darkest caves I feel better
The demons pulled me up a chair to dine and mingle with em. 

Just going through the motions.
You’d think i’m a zombie walking if you caught me in the open.
Apocalyptic purple saber swinging.
Purple skies and longer days in swing and
My mindstate finally less dark than my summer tan
Blink four times and I bet the cold days come again.

I call into the purple matter 
To hold my hopes and dreams. 
And For the better times to stay.
Dark as the night sky.
But Painted with the tears we cry.

The stars are our hope holders. 
Call out for solace when I’m feeling lower.
Low as dropped to my knees. Hands raised screaming out. 
Those that came before us guide us brightly like supernovas. 

Hide inside from the attention grabbers 
Need  some Doses of dopamine. 
Its dope to have met you in this life.
Im a nerd for you.
Tryna learn you.
You know I mean it.

Time running away from us.
Harmony like at peace with the waves I’m riding.
And a break from my depressive ways is in front of us. 
Feel my bad times decaying. 

Yeah.

So i’m going to try and post something everyday for the next 7days.

Something i write that day. And yeah.

My soul’s bruised.
Trampled and blown out.
I see your soul glow.
So bright I’m amused.
I hope I match you
Before you burn out.

Hard times lead to god ties.
I wonder why it’s when I reach my lowest 
That I seek the most high.
I cry the loudest 
When the pressure’s silence
Weighs on me like rock lee’s anklets. 
Why is it the stories of found Religion 
Come from the deepest hurts.
From the overwhelming need to connect 
While all my demons lurk.
Is it a part of his grand plan 
Or is it freedom of choices to keep us locked in. 
Ways To keep us crawing to him again and again
Or just to stroke and ego akin only to satan.


I wonder.
Is every decision I make  under some type of microscope.
Truly valuable in its own space. 
Truly free and for me to mold.
Or predecided and already wrote.
Why is that the troughs are just the “way it goes”.
But the peaks are few and far between. 
Yet i’m supposed to thank you for all 
even though it seems like it’s all just up to some sort of destiny.
Maybe I don’t even have my own breath to breathe.
And rock bottom has been the worst and the best friend to me.
And somewhere floating in the middle is all i know.
And all i’ve ever been. 
Why is it that I’m supposed to reach out to you but you rarely if ever show.
Any sign that God ties lead to better times. 

And Hard times lead to inner growth. 
And growth leads to understanding.
That the destination is final so either way just enjoy the planning. 
And if you fall sometimes just flip back up and hope you stick the landing.
Because as cruel as god’s wrath could be 
It’s prolly just the same as this fucking planet’s.
Heaven and hell could all be just a state of mind.
And it could go in a flash like barry Allen. 
I wonder if any of this really even matters.

Hard times lead to poem writing.
When the pen and the pad meet,
My mind’s less frantic
 and my heart’s less heavy. 
Hard times stained pages
Torn and battered soul. 
Hard times as fickle as the seasons come and go 
But i hope they outlast us.
Flow soothe your soul like ginger bread molasses.

Hood hot with the stories we told ourseves to feel better.
Self destructive tendencies, too many ways we kill each other.
It gets grimy before you can heal. 
Layers shedding, like a healing blister feels.

Revealing I’m lesser than I put forth to the public eye.
Dark as the night sky.
But Painted with the tears we cry.

The stars are our hope holders. 
Call out for hope when I’m feeling lower.
Low as dropped to my knees. Hands raised screaming out. 
Those that came before us guide us like supernovas. 

Underhanded practices.
Dug myself Deeper than the hole where my passion and my depression mix.
Learned lessons.
My fewture tainted with the mistakes i made in my adolescence years

I see your soul glow.
A perfecetly watered garden. 
Leaves are grown.
Roots Strong as our burdened shoulders.
Strong as The foundation we building our love on. 

Patience.
The time you put into yourself.
The golden twinkle in your eyes.
Wanna beat my demons before I'm gone,
Don't need them haunting me on the other side.

They gonna rock with the guy.
They gon Rock with the boi.
I'm like young Hudson-Odoi.
I'm on fire.
Match your energy I come lighter. 

My heart leaks worser parts of me.
Tongue spews curses.
Evil genius in my pen that's mad villainy. 
The pad releases trauma where my hurt lives.
Clawing out the gutter is the worst shit.

Temper thinning like my hairline.
In due time.
VIllian imbued Mind.
She is divine. 
Just like most of my life's timing. 
Like wine she looking finer with time.
It just seems right.
Cause of the bonds that are tightening. 

Going through it like old Iphone photo memories.
The Sins whispher to me.
Stumbling over the darker parts of my history.
Lost sparks to the brighter side of me.
The poems a homily.
Hope if I make it out 
I can take care of those that run with me.

Handling what's in front of me.
Night sky full of my darkest prayers and cursed energy.
Itadori Yuji on em.
Young, black and ready to change the fewture on em.

Hard times, lead to God ties.
Lead to the nights wondering if God’s alive. 
Passionless.
Asking questions that could only lead to panicking.

And good times lead to thankless minds.
Burn down the bridges. 
Fuck the system that we live in.?
Winning the battle with my depression for once. 
So we just move and keep on living.

Soul’s brusied, trampled and blown out.
But it still grows, like letting my hair out.

Sitting on my high chair. 
Watching my past playback. 
Guiding me to my next steps.
Mold the fewture while I even still care.

Look i'm sure as hell still the fewture.
You can't find yourself 
Until we look within us.
Calling your true bluffs.
Real life feels like swimming with the sharks.
Remedial Chaos.

Theres a war going on inside 
The house is where I buried my passions.
Lost touch with my happy 
And sided with depression.

Where it told me life’s a culdesac 
And we couldnt get past it.
Writing shit down,
Was the only way to pass 
the time thats elapsing.

Strong willed as fasting
In warm spring days.
To wake up and go ahead
Even though I relapsed to a man i thought i’d never be.

Caught deep in the lesser parts.
My enemy, and the enemy of my enemy was all still me.
My heart tugging war with my mind.
Wanted more change than Obama and Biden
But with the same amount of falling through and lying.

I wanted to be free.
Not wrestling with the demons larger than 
Dororo be fighting.

I can see the light again.
I can feel my words slice the thin air.
And the hope fill my pen.
Life got heavy as the boulder God couldnt lift.
Im the soul the angels missed.

I need to tighten up my verses.
It’s me versus me
And I’m undoing all my curses.
And maybe vice verse.


The hole we dug ourselves 
Deeper than the hadal zone.
Or Kaiadas.
My vice’s are the nights I spend alone
All the night’s that made us.

The nights we got so good at,
Holding on to the things we lost
The things we are unsure of.
The things we wanna get back
And want more of.
But they seem too far gone
Like we’re grasping for broken straws,
And forever coming up shorter.

Better together than whatever the other stuff is.
The truth’s amazing.
It fixed the fissure that divided us in sin.
The places that left me lacking when i need strength.
And I couldn’t resist going back to hurting everything just a bit.
The symbiosis.

Living desultory, just going through the motions.
Gambling with my fewture, watching it mold slowly.
Slow it down a bit can’t keep racing in a Gambol.
The pen mingled with Steph Curry’s jumper and AI’s handles.

Perfecting my craft as I write this down.
All praise to the prophet or prophets.
Reaching for the crown thats atop ya head.
Like Mcfadden, aint no stopping us, 
Just better let it happen.

Been trying to tell this differntly.
I just surpassed my Vaharai.
Seeing this vividly.
We searching for the days we can call fill destiny.

Searching outwards for our inner healing. 
Struggling to define my meaning.
I just caught a feeling.

Depression’s taunting.
It hits the hardest
When it’s the things you love that counteract your product.

Have faith.
Cause times like these rarely last forever.
My mind’s been this dark since what seems like ever.

Since summer days spent washing dishes.
Used to drown my pain down the drain with them bitches.
Guess it was therapeutic.

What a predicament we in.
The coronavirus imbroglio 
Just wanted to throw in another word i know.
I’m just playing

Cue:

More Gifts by Mike.

“I keep my soles planted.

Holding myself firmly to all the things that make me who I am.

Trying to be true to the person I want to be.

But it seems being me isn’t good enough anymore…”

~Dave Circa 2019.

For a time I was on the up and up. My self- confidence soaring. And my ambition was at an all time sky-high.

I knew that things would work out one way or another. That no matter my path, I would enjoy this journey every-step of the way.

I’d wake up… Eat some avacado toast (it was all the hype at the time). And although I hated my sleeping situation I knew I could make the day great if I wanted.

It’s all about perspective.

The mountains called to me. And I answered. Experiencing the best two years by far of my life.

Volunteering and hiking in Nepal. And Then volunteering in Borneo.

Falling in love.

Being creative and writing more.

I was shining.

But the depression and sadness was creeping. Waiting to pounce on me. Lingering in the back of my mind. A stain on the strides I was making. Giving me a glimpse of Happy, just so that when I lost it, The feeling would be so much worse.

It’s like… life’s like being on a hike through a beautiful ass jungle. The terrain isn’t easy to master but you adapt. Grow faster than you can plan otherwise. But there’s always the fear of all the animals you can’t see in this jungle you know? You know they’re there, and in the back of your mind you’re secretly on edge. And anytime you see any sign that they could be around, you feel anxious. But, until they are right up in your face you push it aside. You don’t start to panic until you’re face to face with them. That was me and my depression. Worried that it might sneak up on me. Worried that it might attack in the night. And then it pounced.

And I panicked for a bit when it hit me again.

When my sadness reared its face again.

Cause I thought being me wasn’t good enough anymore. And it got to be concerning.

(Play next track: Dragonball Durag– Thundercat)

How do I look in my durag? Everyday, I step outside I have to overthink if this Is this the most respectable way to present myself in public? If my hair would be good enough to wear out, or would I take another slamming from random people telling me how to live my life,wear my hair, or question my worth. Them, not realizing the negative effects this was having on my psyche.

It’s a lose-lose you know?

You change yourself to please others. Or stay yourself to prove them wrong and it feels you’re still doing it for them either way. Never for yourself. Tearing yourself down endlessly. And I was on my way down. Then, being me seemed to not be good enough anymore.

I couldn’t see myself in a positive light.

Everytime I looked in the mirror became more disappointing than the last.

Who was I even?

I was growing more into myself but growing further away from the self love I had developed the years before.

I was at war with myself.

It’s already hard enough with brown skin in this world and the last thing we need to do as a community and family is down each other. Or continue to idolize and push that European hairstyles as being “professional” and our own hair and unprofessional.

Reflecting our innermost insecurities of everyone around us. The worse case of self-sabotage is hurting our our kind. Instead of reminding ourselves that we are Amazing.

Wowee.

(Play Crooked Smile by J. Cole)

So I tried something new.

I imagined looking at myself through the eyes of my most loved family and friends.

Imagined how they must view me.

I must be some sort of handsome in their eyes.

There must be some sort of glow about me.

I just needed to dig deep enough to find it for myself.

 Instead of dwelling on all the negative things I feel bout myself, I needed to think past how I felt. Think of all the good traits the people that love me tell me I have. That means that I must have them right? Man, it was hard at first. Probably the hardest thing I’ve done in a long time.

But day after day I reminded myself of something small I did that’s positive. Whether, that’s something I did on Raleigh, or a small deed I did in my day to day life. And slowly, day by day it got easier to see positive things in myself. And right now It’s becoming easier to see myself in a positive light. Its’ about repetition and perspective.

Whenever I would drown myself in negative thoughts that’s what reflected when I looked myself in the mirror.

And now practicing positive thoughts, especially bout myself. Has changed my outlook to a slightly more positive view. And it feels like for the first time in a while that being myself was good enough.

After a couple years of feeling I wasn’t good enough in all aspects of life… work, relationships/friendships, writing.

Things finally started to feel better. Thing’s were starting to look up.

You know… in 2020 part 2 I’ve had nothing but time with myself and I’ve had to become enough again.

And with this whole pancake cooking around us I’ve had to overcome the lesser parts of me.

SO yeah, this is a reminder to everyone, anyone, and no one even that you are enough. That you should believe in yourself. That your sense of style is enough. Your taste in music is enough. You smile is more than enough. YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Don’t let anyone or anything take that from you.

Especially not 2021.

We are enough.

Siri, play 24.19 By Donald Gambino to end this bih.

P.S. I was supposed to included something about infection in here so …

“Why did the compass go to the doctor……

IT HAD AN EAST INFECTION”

*badum tsssss*