Dream Big

This part of the journey is a focus on intentionality. To make use of my developing skills and really take the time to enrich myself in all the ways i want to.

Intentionally making time for myself to develop myself.

Self love.

Self care.

Self.

Meet me at the place where the sun rises.
The possibilities are endless.
The moments stretch beyond 
What i could ever yearn for.
Azeb.
Stay with me until the sun sets.
And our forever ends.
We wont ever have to make it there though.
Because true horizons never come.
Just stay true. 

Card maxed on all the sin we purchasing.
Practiced destructive ways,
Til my mental was tied to where the hurting lives.
Criticized myself until i was broke and confused.
What if my darkest days, led me to the brightest ways to make it through. 

Im thanking you for the part you played,
A glimpse of happy on my mental stains.
You saved the day.
Like blowing in a ps2 memory card.
The sun peaking through the clouds.
Nimbus streaking, carrying my hopes & ambitions.
My depressions is in remission.
Blink twice if you okay?

I plan to Steep in the july sun as it burns the pain away.
If you with me i’ll carry your load like  Boeing wings.
Train track wondering ,On my off days .
natures where i found my wings and hide my lesser themes.

Moving in silenece yet succes is still my mission.
Dave simmons.
Crazy how the better days could have your skin glistening.
Glowing.
Me and my past mistakes at a Dissidence.
Human conditioning.
That Maybe making through is all we have left in it.

The sun took its time when shining on you. 
I thank God for the image of you that he drew.
I’m just renting moments of your eternity.
I’d be high just off a minute or two.
Moments with you are pieces of my contentment 
Pieces of My happy.
Its more sweet when the fruit ripens unexpectedly.
Put you on my wallpaper,
Put you on my mood board.
When my mood sours youre the one that I would move toward.
My black queen. 
To protect you comes at no cost.
Seen you rise up against all odds.
The better answered prayer I presented before God.
I promise to be you armor and your Guard.

Your are as constant as time is.
A constant reminder of better ways to spend my timing.
In due time i’m sure your print will be a constant on my mind space.
Im in a constant debate on if this is right or if I’m time wasting?
Waiting patiently as the better days become a constant on my time statement.

What am i?
If not moments passing through the night sky?
The sins of my past.
Divine timing,
But mostly at the wrong time.
Seismic pusling in my chest.
The calling for more’s enthralling but stresses me.
Shoulders burdened by me Stalling my destiny.

What am I?
If not A tear from the sun. 
Mother earth breathing life.
But it’s as if her breath Was not a sigh of relief…
But more like a huff of “what the fucks?”
And reasons to be sorry. 
And “The better days are coming so don’t you dare worry”. 

The fields of passion I planted 
And tilled and worked. 
I am just starting to see the fruits of.
In contrast.

The split in my mind.
This battle im fighting.
I’m no more than a wrinkle in time.
My divine blessing arriving. 

I absorb the experiences.
The black boy urge for Every attempt to get this right. 
But if we only get one lifetime.
Is it really worth the lies 
The lies i tell myself?
The lies i choose to believe?

Godless.
Lost.
But that’s what you get when you stick with me.
I bet God would just chuckle with shame if I walk into his meet and greet. 
My worst Nightmare.
My Better Dadydreams. 
Glad to be here.
The pleasures of being D.
27 cycles around the sun.
Let’s be the cycle breakers we were meant to be.

Dear younger David:

Are you proud of me? Of all the hardships i’ve overcame? Of the man I’ve withered into? Am I who you envisioned yourself to be.

I promise you I am constantly working to be better than the darkest me. Better than rock bottom. Better than literally being physically sick at who was reflecting in the mirror.

I remember I would always have the moments that felt like I was looking into the mirror of Erised. So for the non Potter heads, when you look into the Mirror of Erised, you would see your desires. And I remember all the the me’s i would picture. And all the me’s I never amounted to (college graduate me, mountain climber me, better than ….. me, truly happy me). And the me’s that still linger (author me, good boyfriend me, better me, better brother me, truly happy me). And i have to remember to be kind to all of us. All the versions of me I haven’t quite forgiven yet. The me’s that come out when i’m at my angriest, the me’s that are stagnant. Because truly, and i have such a rock, and two great friends and supporters, that I hope know who they are, they’re probably reading this right now. But those two are the one’s that I do it for for different reasons. But, i have to be kind to all the me’s i’ve been. All the me’s i will be. Because I walk alone with my thoughts. And i know you’re probably not okay with who you turned to be.

But I’m in the process of leveling up. Writing more to get back in the habit of exercising this muscle. Exploring options. Being better. Being the you, you might’ve thought you’d be at 22. I feel 27, will be a good year for me.

Look man. It’s only us at the end of the day. You, younger me. Me now. We all have to be okay with the different versions of us. The versions of us we will be in 5/15/30 years from now. And truly we don’t even deserve a quarter of the love we’ve been given. But it’s only forward. It’s only better than yesterday’s shortcomings. It’s only trying to live up to the man I saw in my Erised. I don’t even think right now we have an idea of what that would be. Like if I looked into it now what would I want? For us to be okay. For Mya to be loved like she deserves. For her to be happy. For Ky to achieve everything in life she wants. For my bois to be good. For my mama to retire and not have to worry.

For me to be secure in my purpose. And helping those around me in theirs. To be writing and exploring and being better. I think my erised would be something like this..

Let’s say 35. I have my bachelor’s degree. I’ve written 5 novels. I’m a husband. A good man. A good husband. Better for the one that loves me than the versions of me’s that i hate. A father. A better father than the generational curse I want to break. Well travelled. Healed. Free. A house that’s mine free and clear. Passive income, with steady sources of main income. Forgiving and forgave.

I find it hard to forgive myself. Like i hate myself so much at times. The simplest things can eat away at me. Keep me up til. Shit 3:24 am for example. I fee overwhelmed often. I feel i have nowhere to truly turn. I feel backed into a corner and at the same time so blessed.

I will get there. I will make it. But for now… For here.. For 27…. I will appreciate this moment by moment.

So younger me. Anger issues me. Abusive me. Failure me. Self-hatred me. Weak me. Low confidence me. By 28 we will have forgiven ourself.

I write always figuring nobody is really reading what i’m writing. But i try to share a little bit of me so maybe someone can understand. Maybe connect. Maybe feel like they’re not alone. So of you ever stumble across my blog. Or if you read it constantly and i don’t know drop a response and say hey. Or tell me in person idfk. And if it’s just me in here, cause i don’t really share this page like that. Then Yoooo We inchea the boi.

Songs of my Week: Friday, April 8th.

Paradise – Coldplay

Open A Window- Rex Orange County, Tyler The Creator

Lye- Earl Sweatshirt

How Did you get here- Little Simz

Too Late to Turn Back- Daniel Caesar

Vibrations – Alex Wiley

P.s. it is quite too late to be grammar checking this one so ease me up.

Just stay in it.

Tonights 2am mind wander…

I’m just here laying uncomfortably, sneezing up a storm, thinking about all the strangers i’ve met. All the little connections that come at a perfect time.

Any exchange that lights up your week.

Or my opportunity to potentially brighten theirs.

Idk, I just think of This one kid i met in Nepal that loved Eminem. We sat in a field and we talked about life and pressure and passion and music. Wanting to escape and then alcoholism. And it made me think how similar we can be. That desire to get out and experience. Finding any way to escape. How the circumstances can be so drastically different but at the same time the desires can be intertwined. Like the cosmos knew we could talk, (for that 45- or was it four hours) and just threw us in each others paths.

You know those converstaions when you lose track of time. It’s kinda amazing how you could have that with a stranger.

Or this one lady at a beach in Borneo. That saw me and a friend of mine wandering aimlessly and decide to invite us over. Then ended up being from a very similar area as him. They ended up being Cousins or something, living one or two villages apart but had Never met. And then we sat and ate, and i sung tingy tingy kinabalu to her. And i remember, in that moment, wishing i took the time to learn more Malay. Like i had once took to learned swahili that has now escaped me. Just so the langauage barrier between us would’ve been lessoned.

Or this one broi i met at the night markets in Cambodia. And how we chopped it up about … i actually dont remeber. But i remember his presence. Not so much his face or even why we connected. But i remember him and being there in that market and talking and laughing.

Or that one couple that asked me if we dyed Our water blue while riding on the bus?

Mama Fatayah that fed me.

Or that time Human by The Killers was playing at that one spot we took a break.

Some strangers stick. And their stories stick.

And maybe i can take something from them. Any of them at any given time. Or give something of myself to them. Positive energy.

And learn to be more patient with my tolerance for small talk. Because that can make the difference to someone’s day.

And maybe in turn that same kindness i extend to strangers, i can learn to extend to mysef everyday.

Cause i feel i’ve been failing alot lately. And ive been judgin myself harshly . And kicking myself. And lingering too long on the mistakes.

Maannnnnnn shout out to all the strangers that stay with us. And shout out to all the ones i may possibly meet further along on the rollercoaster. Wherever you may catch me. On a downward spiral, the moment of anticipation heading up, or rolling back into the bay at the end . I hope we can take something from each other.

Idk though. I just be out here thinking random thoughst and writing em down. It’s late asf.

Let’s start in 2016. Summer 2016 to be specific. Summer 2016 I found myself. I found myself having the time of my life. I found myself spiritually. I found the confidence to be me, completely me. I also lost myself. Many parts of me I didn’t want to be anymore. So let’s start in 2016.

Spiritually I was tested. It was there little children asked me why my God hated them? Why he would strike their villages with that earthquake? Chapthok. I stood amongst the Nepali Giants overwhelmed. There was this one specific overlook spot. Where we could see Ginesh Himal , I believe, in the distance. Feeling small. I was writing and wondering. Asking and searching for the answers I felt i needed most. And honestly i will never be able to put into words the emotion i felt just being able to be there. I felt blessed. I felt challenged. I felt I had found my second home. And i felt there was a God. Me, so small, so insignificant. I had finally felt i was put here on this Earth for a reason. I was having a great time with the villagers. I felt loved and welcomed. I felt like my effort was making a difference. And sure on the grand scheme of things the work we were doing was small, it only effected that village, but it was also GRAND. And mattered. Mattered to them. And to us. To Raleigh. to ME. To the cosmos and the universal draw that connects us all. And i knew that God had lead me there. To Nepal. To those moments sitting with Devendra. Or watching Caesar chase girls around. Playing football with Harry. Eating dal bhat mountains. It was God that had awoken me from my sleep a night before with a clear image of Nepal. The tiniest of sparks that lead to a life defining experience. And lead me there, to Nepal, the following year. And there at that lookout point with Chance’s “Coloring Book” bumping that I knew I was changing. And I was okay with who I was. I was starting to understand my place. My worth. I could talk about that summer forever though so let’s jump to 2017.

We flow like the peaks and the valleys.
You caught me at my worst times.
The demons i battle 
could’ve turned me into the worst guy.

2017 was cool. I fell in love. The love of my life the love. A love I thankfully still have today and hold dear. The girl that’s presence echoes in my soul. That’s another story, another time. But it was also there I was alone in Cambodia. Alone in my mind. And once again I was challenged. Challenged to find peace with being alone. And fun with traveling alone. And I had to learn how to entertain myself. And be okay with being alone. And learn to truly love the parts of me I had grown to dislike, the parts I hated. And that was hard. Being alone was very hard at times. But that time helped me get through the pandemic. it gave me the tools I needed to be okay with being me.

Then I was back in my second home. Trekking the mountains. With my brother Prabin. and oh what a time we had. I’m grateful for all the people i’ve met along my travels. Especially Prabin, Tara, Along, Apay, Reyneilda, Duha, Kak Yati. It’s something special about a person willing to open their home to you and treat you as their own. their kin. to house and feed you. to take time out of their personal lives to show you a true experience. to accept you into their families. We cannot take for granted how powerful love and laughter are. The two L’s of life that are completely worth it. Who would I be had I not met these people when I did. If any of them ever find their way to Bermuda i’d return the favour in a heartbeat.

And then 2018- early 2020 was back to the monotony. The flow of life. Working, learning, exploding. But also, navigating something new. love. A fresh love. A love unexplored and untrialed. that then faced trials.

And 2020 the lows came back. Obviously there was pandemic life. Big explosions in my personal life. losing a whole book I was writing. feeling battered and bruised.

My soul was battered, bruised, trampled and blown out.
Come save me from the depths of the hell that I'm in.
The long nights I arm wrestle the stress and the sin.
I could've folded.
but I move forward the best that I can.

2022 i plan to work on me. And grow into the me I was finding in 2016. The me I learned to love in 2017. The me that still seems to be lost in the mountains. The me I lost between 2018-2022.

I plan to be better.

Yes i am my past. I am an amalgamation of all the mistakes ive made. My bumps, and bruises, shattered emotion, and explosions.

And yes our past defines us. I am LeeAnn Simmons and little Erik. I am Frank Ocean’s channel orange at 3am. And the pain and understanding of Earl Sweatshirt. Or the vibe of Daniel Caesar at afro punk 2018. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. I am Peanut butter and banana smoothies. And chocolate ice cream. The inspiration I feel from Kendrick to be great. I am Sports and some anime. I am fights at youth night. Long nights. I am TK4l. I am Nepal and Bermuda. I am how I express myself through clothing. And I’m the games I play. I am Killua and I am Rengoku. I am the mountains and the fresh sea breeze air. I am the dishwasher version of me bumping Zeroh’s Barkpench an MF Doom. I am still growing.

I am my hair.

Dont touch my hair.

Boi how i love to let my hair down and let my hair loose. And the couple times i cut it and let it grow back. But society? Huh ? I am all the battles with insecurties , and the lady that grabbed my hair randomly in the isle at lindos and said “It’s softer than i thought”.

I am a soul.. 27 years old

I am the love that I’ve grown through these last 5 years. I am an aspiring writer that’s gonna finish writing books this year.

The darker days are behind us
I’m the tiniest of wrinkles in the time jump.
The universe decides what defines us.
Or maybe the mind does.
Or maybe its all predetermined by GOD.
I am prayers and hope.
Love and lust.
We stay moving forward. 
We can’t make this shit up.
But at the end of the day i hope i can do what i want before my times up.
And my body goes the same time my mind does.

P.S.

M.K.B. you’re amazing and I love you!