Dream Big

The words i wanna write are like the sentence thats on the tip of your tongue.

Or the task you set out to do but forget as soon as you start to do it.

We’ll get there though.

Tethering heartbeats.
Hands calloused from working to build this love anew. 
From surgically stitching together the words I choose.
I write to put you on a permanent pedestal. 
To give you full blossoms like you just won an olympic event. 
To have Something that I can fall back on like black elders to psalms 23. 
Your love’s like Christmas dinner, fulfilling and sweet. 
Your loves like the first dip of the summer. 
A reminder that the better things are sometimes the most simple pleasures.
It’s the reason this black boy has the urge to break all the curses he’d otherwise fall victim to. 
I’d like to have a book about you that I can read back when we’re old at 92. 
Of all the times I chose to write that I loved you.
Of all the times I could be the best version of a man and partner that I could be. 
Because writing’s the best solvent.
And it’s Solving the worst parts of my dark history, until the dark memories are just glitched patches in my memory, that I can’t find because my mind is full of you and me, and happiness, and 2023 being another year we grow stronger, and 1:25am blogs posts are equivalent to a 3am “i miss you text” because time differences and busy lives sometimes get in the way of me being able to shower you with the love that’s bundled up inside these words. 
And sometimes my words escape me. 
And that’s when I’m most vulnerable.
Because what more can I offer.

Time waits for no man. Slow down and take it the beauty in all that’s around you. To connect with those who matter to you and shower them with appreciation. You never know how far just letting someone know they’re loved could get them. The hurdles you could help them endure. I will forever be a burden sharer for the ones that need me most.

Time waits for no man. We are so rushed to accomplish everything we want in a short time. We even end chasing things that aren’t running away from us. Slow down and evaluate. Take time for whats valuable for you. And give time to those things. 10 minutes a day for your most valued things means you gave them at least an hour of your week. Make time to really connect with yourself and connect with what makes you happy.

Time waits for no man. Don’t sit and wallow in things that don’t serve you. We may only have one life so constantly renew your environment. Shed the dead skin so your newness can glow. Water the dying flowers of passions you thought of letting go. Till the grass of the seeds of skills you want to develop. When the fruits of your labour start to grow you’ll be better for it.

Time waits for no man. I can’t sit here and tell myself these things and not put them into practice. So i always aim to start today. Even if i fail… then i aim to start the day after. Constantly reminding me to work on myself.

Time waits for no man. Fall deep. Fall 100% why be afraid of what could happen? The worst that can happen is that it doesn’t work out. And yeah it hurts and it feels like time was wasted. But the journey isn’t always kind. Time isn’t always forgiving. I’m imperfect. I struggle. I’m a terrible partner. A terrible friend.

Time waits for every man. Your time is your time alone. Protect it. Nurture it. Fuck it.. waste it sometimes. It’s okay to spend an hour relaxing and doing nothing. Use it to pamper yourself. Use it to explore nature. You it to make love to the love of your life. Time is our own special relationship with the universe around us. Nothing’s promised. Do what you love. I’m grateful for all and any time I can spend with My girlfriend. Any time i spend writing my book. Any time i spend playing games with my friends. Even if those things allot me no time.

I’m ever grateful for the universe for blessing me in this chaos.

I’m ever grateful to God for watching over me.

I’m ever grateful to my future wife if she’s reading this. She saves me and I just hope i’m doing right by her.

Lets have us an ogg boi winter for the TIME Being.

~Steve Lacy’s: Give you The World

I move as the seasons changes. Becoming the cold. Winter fitting the change if my inner spirit.

I’ve turned myself away from the faith that once defined me. I still believe in a creator. And that there is truth in all religion. But what truth is mines to claim.

My soul warms as I see her grow. I will never tire of writing of the biggest blessing I have found in life. The most amazing soul. Someone who is blazing a path ahead as bright as the sun so it’s impossible to not get caught in her gravity. The most beautiful, precious, delicious human on earth.

People be asking me “When you getting married?” Like shit i would if i could but I’m a broke boy. But also, What could I give other than a broken version of myself to love.

The thing is my faith’s destroyed. I want there to be more for me in this life. I write to relieve myself of the pressures i put on myself. The ideals of being a man that I feel i have to live up to.

To relieve myself of all the things i’ve said and done that will never be forgiven. i can only hope that the God will forgive me when all is said and done. I can only hope the universe will be easy in its karma. That the chaos won’t crash in on me too heavily.

I am lonely. In spirit. In my discomfort. I call out and don’t doubt you’re there. But i understand that this is a period that maybe I’ll just have to reconnect with myself. That you won’t be there to help me.

I can’t recall the last time I felt you truly helped me. Maybe putting Mya in my path in 2017 was the biggest of my prayers that you answered. And maybe in a sense she in a reflection of all the things you want me to learn. Because to be a good partner is to walk closer to your light as i learn to be a better man. The lessons she teaches me , and the shortcomings I find in myself maybe have been the things you wanted me to know.

As i write, maybe this is a true reflection of my heart that i didn’t expect to come forth tonight.

I thank you God regardless. Cause maybe thats a crazy train of thought.

I thank the universe for its guidance. For presenting me with my light. For giving and asking nothing more than for me to exist in each moment.

The here.

The now.

I’ve always believed that the two was all i ever had.

The now. Nothing deserves more attention that whatever it is I’m constantly doing. Give everything 100% effort and approach everything with the spirit of a toddler, curious and full of excitement. Every moment a chance to fully experience something new. Even if i’ve done it before. I haven’t done it before like this. With today’s knowledge.

The here. To focus on the present. I’ve failed at relieving myself of holding too harshly on to the past. I’ve been letting my mistakes define how i view myself. Instead of using the past as a tool to teach myself, i’ve held onto it like a weight dragging a fish hook into the depths of the pressures of the vast sea of life.

But for the first time I’m excited for the future. To see her again and embrace in all that is good in the world. To grovel in the presence of the most beautiful essence of life. To years and lifetimes that could be spent together. to the best version of me supporting the best version of her and i can only hope that i’m doing that right now today.

Because loving hard, is exactly that…

Hard

There are scars and bruises and way too many opportunities to lose. And only a few to get it right before you lose it.

But if you live in fear of losing you miss the beauty of the present. The here. The now.

Experiencing everything in its entirety even these hard, colder times when winter fits your spirit best.

~kendrick lamar – mirror

Let me leave one of the quotes that defined the years of my largest growth :

“Life is a bit like hiking: the journey only requires you to put one foot in front of the other…. Again and again and again. And if you allow yourself the opportunity to be present throughout the entirety of the trek. You will witness beauty every step of the way, not just at the summit.” ~unknown

I will let this quote guide my years end and see where it leads me in 2023.

This is one of those time that I look in the mirror and don’t notice the man staring back at me.

I can’t tell if thats a good thing or a bad thing.

The level of discomfort i’m feeling is sure to push me past whatever boundary is making me uncomfortable in the situation i’m in.

But i’m constantly down. With no reflections of me or the things I like around me. Nothing i can turn to.

Isolated.

I won’t paint this as a bad thing. Just a period of my life that will be challenging. Another test for me to overcome. Or crumble under and fail.

I’ve disappointed myself many times over in my 20s and right now I feel like I might be leaving them behind with more regrets than not.

I will probably push myself further into isolation because that’s just how I am.

My future is mines to mold.

Yet i have no certainty in anything past Dec 20th.

27 and I still don’t know where my talents lie or what to make of myself.

I need that Dr Bronner’s peppermint cleanse of my soul.
Whatever is on the other side of this discomfort.
Whether thats a tether to make me whole.
Or me isolated and alone. 
I just need the sign that I’m traveling down the right road. 

I had to learn to be willing to be everything to my person.
to strip my self down to the purest of my abilities to love.
Just as I had to learn to navigate my imperfections.
reflections of harsh lessons,
big bro had to learn first hand.
And I could only sit back and imagine,
through vicarious impressions 
the pain and punishment that would've left a growing black male shattered.
Closed fist fits, 
from the ashy lipped antagonist.
I had to watch and learn which bridges were made of fragile glasses.
and to learn which relationships were molded fastly, 
but also which ones were tempered and tested ,
to outlast the destructive imagines of separation I knew. 
the ones that I had mastered, by 16 in s2.
Which foundations were rock steady or which the Big Bad wolf could've blew.
Thunderous arguments,
my parents probably though I was too young to have a grasp of it.
but i was always a smart kid!
and seeing my pops swing on the police is implanted and everlasting 
just like the laughs from my friends the next day, 
maybe they were just being kids or maybe they wanted to shower me with embarrassment. 
Cold shivers, from the nights my problems went untucked. 
and a bed time story was never enough to undo the damages. 
which is Why when I was in my early twenties I was so afraid of commitment 
because I didn't believe in the Hollywood imagine that love could be truly everlasting,
and I was scared to fail my first love.
just as my first vision of love had failed me.
but i had to continually rise above the imperfection that I found in my surroundings. 
I remember my first court date wasn't the one that I had brought upon myself. 
But one of ripping a family apart. 
Cheap dollar store tape holding the pieces of my heart in place.
some pieces never replaced and still lost til this very date.
But those are the pieces I heal though you. 
the parts of me I never knew were imperfect
until i found myself being the very imperfections i wished weren't true.

There’s something endearing about her soul glow.

The journey to get to our destination was silent. Not necessarily awkward, but it seemed like forever since we had last seen each other. We both tease at conversation but finding the words to fill the smaller spaces elude us. So much had changed in the both of us. But our love remains unmatched. Healthier and happier. But our spirits a bit worn down from a challenging year. Barely, thawed out from a raw winter. Her skin glows.

The journey to get to our destination was loud. Full of ups and downs. Learning the hard way to be the best possible partners to each other. Five years strong. And strong is the foundation we stand on because the battles we overcame to build it were immense at times. Our love is no Casuarina though. Our roots run deep. Undamaged by the hurricane of life lessons. Withstanding the test of time. Until we seed the fruits of our labours come to be. We worked and tilled our grounds. We trimmed our hedges. We continually water ourselves. And nurture each other’s leaves. Our gardens bare the sweetest fruit. As ripe as her breathe tends to be. Her aura shines bright.

The journey to our destination was conversational. Dec 10^th 2022 will be five years. And five years feels like it’s much shorter than I’d want us to be together. I want us to be at a lifetime. But why miss the conversations that will fill our hearts when we’re old and crusty. Why miss karaoke nights singing Stay ready. Or movie marathons. Or having to rewind the show because our conversation distracted us form 30 minutes. Why miss the love of food. Why Miss Starting our day right to “The Partys Just Begun”.  Why miss the conversations with aunties on Front Street. Why miss THE LOVE OF FOOD. Flannies, Rosas, Rotisserie, Speciality and dookistar. And the occasional chunk that shoots across the room as bullet spray because we are so eager to continue our life’s conversation that we can’t take the time to sit and chew our food. Why miss the pain in our necks as we watch Nope. The petty disagreements.  Her everything is beautiful.

The journey was 6 hour skype calls, but it was also me calling you from a rootop in Nepal, and us discussing how we disliked the food on a rooftop in New York. It was us walking at dark through the Southampton trails and us walking up sexy bum hills. It was us. It is love. It is an ever-developing story. With a beginning of me wasting money on Pasta Basta. With a middle we will always be writing because I never want the conversation to end. I will never be afraid to express my love for you. You’re the one for me. Her smile is spellcasting.

The journey to our destination was a stand up comedy show. And not the underground one in Toronto where the host forces us to participate. But the one where you laugh until your belly hurts. Where you blurt out a throaty HAH because you’re caught off guard. Where the jokes hit randomly but also are perfectly timed. Where you’re in tune and can’t find the light in each other’s story. Where her humour warms my soul.

There’s something endearing about never reaching the destination with her. Because why should this end?

In every problem lies a poem.
The story of our lives.
Our futures.
The intertwining of atoms 
As thoughts become something tangible.
The pad plays therapist. 
Yet i remain me.

In every damaged seed.
There’s a poet’s words tilling the grass.
Working the fields anew.
Sewing through thoughts of destruction,
As much as a raven wills itself to grow back from its ashes.
A path paved to be washed anew.

Because in every poem,
We exorcise our problems. 
We escape.
We heal.
From tough loves and tougher lessons.
We live.
We are the highs and the lows.
We stain pages.
The pen and the heart flow in tandem.

And in my every poem Lies me.
This bittersweet history.
Splintered pieces of my memory. 
The pen blowing fixes into my corruption.
Like how we’d blow into old memory cards.
Here lies a man working through his issues.
A force to be reckoned with.
On a path to his own greatness.
A PROBLEM.