Dream Big

(Start with yesterday’s post, “Enjoy Right Now, Today) then come here.

I’m sitting at Black Bay again.

The war I’m fighting this week is heavy. The mountain I have to climb is Annapurna high. The goal I’m trying to find is locked in the deepest parts of the Labyrinth of my mind.

Each time I open a door to what I think may solve the problem, another door appears in the distance. Each door an opportunity to challenge myself to grow through the discomfort. Another obstacle and challenge to overcome. Another childhood trauma to tame and adulthood failure to forgive.

How can I get to my end goal of self-love though if I only focus on getting there. I have to face every challenge behind each door with full intention.

I have to focus and be real of how whatever the door holds makes me feel. I have to be honest with myself in how I plan to overcome it. I have to forgive sometimes because certain things are just not my own fault but just circumstance and based on the actions of others.

A lot of what I feel is based off the actions of others. For instances always feeling inferior because I’m a little lamer and nerdier than the average guy. A moment like my old man telling me that “only sissies read” because i asked for a bookstore certificate for my birthday. This pops in as something I couldn’t control but was affected by. All the bullying I faced growing up too. Many other things that would make this post too long. But all the things your family and friends joke about that make you a little bit insecure about something. I can’t hold that anymore in my 29th damn year.

That aside todays moment of intention is being patient with myself. I get frustrated often that I fall back into the same mistakes. The same ways of destructive communication. The same ways of punishing myself.

Communication is the main one. I’m a horrible communicator when it comes down to it. I’m working on it and have to just forgive myself for failing sometimes. One thing I’m trying to practice is immediately apologizing to people if I feel I’ve slipped up. I’m just trying to do better.

I’m sure we all are. And if anyone’s reading this you’ll get there I’m sure. Hit me up and we can discuss ways we’re working on being better.

Question of the post: Whats One thing you’re working on in your personal life right now? Don’t be afraid to drop a comment or send me a message saying what it is.

P.S. the two songs of this post are Coco Jones’: ICU. And Daniel Caesar’s: We Find Love. The latter is a song me and a old good friend played about 200 times in a 3 day span. I hope he’s better off than when we first encountered the song. I know we’ll all make it to places where we are better off.

KyAsia told me write words to give away.

I couldn’t grasp the concept of anyone wanting to read words from me. But if anyone’s reading this is for you.

You (whoevers reading) are amazing.

Today i want to write about intentionally practicing the smallest things that make me happy.

Sometimes it’s hard to sit with myself and really find joy in the monotony of life.

But today i have had particular success at finding joy in the littlest things.

I sat half submerged at black bay. Literally sat on the shoreline just looking out to the horizon. In the moment I wanted to try and focus on what it is about bermuda’s pristine crystal clear waters that have always brought me peace.

So i focused on the minutia.

The fish eggs swaying slowly. I reflect now on how Pa White’s rocking chair gave us stories of a world war when I was 3. The details on the beach paying homage to the safe spaces of my childhood. How far i’ve come to now. My life stationary in this moment like the old missile head Pa White had right next to that very rocking chair.

At Black Bay, Fish swam around my toes as they aggressively attacked a peace of sargassum floating less then three feet away. Playful and joyous not minding that I was intruding on their morning snack. A reminder to myself to not let the presence and opinions of others dictate my moves and my emotions. A hard lesson to learn, one that takes studying and practice, but I’ve made good strides at it.

A very tiny crab (not to dissimilar to the one pictured below) peaked out from the rocks only shortly after the fish swam by. The crab tentatively shied away as my giant structure probably made for uneasy times.

I get that, how scary shit can be at times. How hard fears are to face. But attack fears leads to growth. And my obstacle to grow through this week is self love.

Today, Right now i’m sitting at the bus stop longer than i probably needed through the rain. Thats where i started to write this. That’s where i’ll finish this. That’s where tomorrow’s intention will be found. Through reflection and taking the time to actually listen to what I need.

Enjoy Right Now Today for you (reader). I’ve enjoyed writing this for me.

Be intentional in your choices.

Really focus on one thing that brings you joy and connect or rediscover the root of why. Remember that you’re strong enough to make it through this moment.

I’m here for anybody that has nobody, and anybody that needs someone.

Everybody is Something.

~The Fewture

P.S. you are beautiful frfr.

Another trip around the sun.
Another loop in the hell hole.
Been undesired since tryna break outta my shell though.
28, reflecting on what could break me and i’m hella close.
The edge is enticing me to slip into the unknown.

My mama said raise ya hands and let God take control.
But raised hands to me means your worst fate’s running the show.
Like i’m giving it all up,
and M.y F.ucking DOOMsday is impending,
Thats word to Daniel Dumile.
The way you break ya neck, at a pack of fat assess, and hit the look around like “who is they

The lines my pen writes carry me through my roughest times.
Would never see the future I desire. Only Fantasizing about the fewture I desire.
Gotta live more in my present mind.
It’s me, myself and demons I’ve known since I was 5. 
Everyday is a journey of maturity.
A test of my purity. 
I give it up to the most high for reassuring me there’s gotta be much more for me.

These four walls hold me hostage.
I've been avoiding the mirror because I know I'd be disappointed in who I'd find looking back.
I swallow my depression with every bite of unhealthy tendencies.
The video game is my best mate.
My soul's in a constant state of tug of war between Self-Love and Self-Hate.
The four walls hold my secrets.
The night sky is probably tired of my prayers of wanting more.
The lows are Kaiadas low.
The Highs are Thorong-La Pass high.
Abbotsford reminds me just how hard it is.
The mountains remind me of my lack of connection.
I hear the four walls laughing as they look down on me.
2023 is my year though.
To shine through the absolute pain of loneliness.
Scanning tickets with empty smiles.
I miss 2017. 
But 2023 won't be mean to me?

Hello?

let’s talk about the music of my first two months of 2023.

In a particular order...

okay so first let's touch on what I've been playing out to start the years, It has to start with :

SMINO's LUV 4 RENT,
okay so that whole album is absolute gold to me. it was the perfect end to my 2022 but an even better start to my new year. the best companion on my 2.5 hr walk home from work. The perfect bus ride noise canceller.  
my faves off the album though have to be
1. Modennaminute 
2. Blu Billy
3. Curtains
4. 90 Proof
5. Matinee
6. No L's
7. Defibrillator

But let me stop before i list the whole track list, which I was close to doing. please check out this album. please.


Next up, and maybe possible due to her feature of Smino's Pro Freak is Doechii.
the songs Stressed and Girls are definitely main stays on my 2023 playlist.



Okay play me some Steve Lacy and I'll be in a good mood. Just let the playlist shuffle in Give You the World or Buttons maybe Bad Habit and I'm good for the day.



Some of my favorite rap features of of last year had to be JID's: The Forever Story and Earthgang's: Ghetto Gods.

JiD's Kody Blu 31 is easily one of my top five songs of 2022, but what's some other songs that are going to stay on my 2023 playlist are Crack Sandwich and Sistanem.

Then Earthgang's Strong Friends is another top five, the message alone is something that carried me through my last few months of 2022. but if you check out their album some of my other faves are All Eyes  on Me, Lie to Me, Waterboyz, and Black Pearls OG. 

Okay I'll just give some rapid fire 2023 playlist hits and 2022 faves:

Vince Staples: Take Me Home,  Law of Averages, When Sparks Fly (A top 10 of 2022 for sure), Sundown Town
Giveon : Scarred, Another Heartbreak, The beach
Kendrick Lamar: Savior, God, You Ain't Gotta Lie, The Recipe
Childish Gambino: 24.19 
Earl Sweatshirt: Vision, Fire in the Hole
MF DOOM: Vomitspit 
Henri Gatson: Where Are We Going
J. Cole: Pride Is The Devil
Reggie: Avalanche, I Don't Wanna Feel No More
Pharrell: Cash in Cash Out
Burna Boy: Common Person 
Jazmine Sullivan: Girls Like Me
Duckwrth: Kiss U Right Now 
SZA: Snooze, Love Language
Rex Orange County: One In A Million, Making Time, Open A Window

Okay so we will end with some oldies that I'll probably revisit at points of this year:

Frank Ocean: Ivy, Godspeed, Monks, Rushes, Comme De Garcons, Frank's Song
Big Krit: Bury Me In Gold
Jorja Smith: Blue Lights, Be Honest
Daniel Caesar: Are You Ok?, Love Again, Best Part
Brandy: Almost Doesn't Count, I wanna be down, Brokenhearted
Miguel: Come Through And Chill
Little Simz: "Sometimes I Might Be Introvert": Album) 
Beyonce: Party (feat Andre 3000)
Adele: Chasing Pavements
Boldy James: Photographic Memories
Wiki: All I Need
Whitney Houston: It's Not Right but it's Okay, One moment in time
Al Green: I'm Still In Love with You 



Then my top 5 artist of 2022/23 so far in a particular artist?
1: Smino
2:  FRANK OCEAN WHERE ARE YOU>??????????????
3: K Dot 
4: Earthgang
5: Giveon 

Is my safest place my biggest trap ?
I find myself enjoying the sunshine when it peaks through.
Reminiscing on all the places where I left pieces of my heart.
And longing for understanding on how to play my part.
A couple of the screws holdin my shit together been squeaking loose.

I left a crucial piece of myself at Tilicho Lake.
A bit of my ambition,the kid who wasn’t afraid to dream big. 
My purity.

I left behind my biggest insecurities in Tanzania.
But sometimes I hear them whisper to me.
The calling of my past mistakes. 
The kid who was afraid to be himself because he was always the ridicule of the worst hates. 
I’m happy I grew past that mind state.
But me going to sleep at 5am this past week reminds me that those demons are just 6 hours worth of mistakes away.

I left my lonely heart in Borneo. 
And traded it for a new one filled with something special.
But I’m the hare to my loneliness’ turtle. 
It creeps up on me when I slow down and let my hand off the throttle. 

All the work I put in to loving myself has seemed to fracture. 
My blackness has been used as a weapon,
and my age a shield for everyone at work to hide behind when customers start to snapping. It leaves me burning out before i can love myself again in the next attraction. 

Maybe I used up too much of me. 
Giving the pieces I kept after my travels to anyone who needed them.
Maybe I gave too much of myself away and now there’s none left for David Simmons.
Should I call back myself from the places I’ve attached to my glimpses of happy.
The blurriest blotches on my memory. 

Discarding my portions of me for those who take it for granted is no longer the move in 2023.
The winter fits me best because it reminds me that lonely and cold is maybe who I need to be.

This is the taste of our second kiss.
The first chance to return to the magic only experienced once before.
This is a child’s excitement, because everything is new. 
This is an ode To Stimulated minds.
And a bond that feels like 10 lifetimes. 
To Fountains of growth overflowing. 
This is to 2023.
And better versions of the people we want ourselves to be.
This is to new slates.
And snatching at every presented opportunity.
To unity.
The biggest blessing is having the chance to experience life through the lens of “you and me”.
This is to a new frank ocean album.
To what it’d be like to listen to the magic of Channel Orange again for the first time.
Second takes reminder us to fully enjoy the moments of our first times.
Second chances a lesson that sometimes first times need to be failures.
This is to all the first times we will have this year. 
All the second chances that will come, good and bad. 
To Me and a promise to reach the highest value of myself. 

Be careful not to give too much of yourself, 
That you have nothing left for your darker days. 
2023, i’m moving past being stuck in my more destructive ways. 
Balance for me and the one i look to protect most. 
Nurtured loved and quiet growth.