Dream Big

Scary.

I am drowning. Sinking deeper and deeper into my darker ways. Light eluding me as I fall deep like Daniel Kaluya. I don’t even remember which way is up?

Is the tug of war between my heart and brain ever gonna let up? Which is the anchor pulling me down? And which is the live vest trying to pull me back to the surface? To the light.

The deeper I sink. The more I lose me. I start to question myself. Judging my appearance, wondering what I’m doing wrong. I even ask if I hold any value at all.

I was close to the edge anyway before I slipped and fell. The treacherous waves and deep blue enchanted sea can’t be all that bad. I feel like Ariel watching Ursula poison my Eric. I feel like Ariel losing parts of myself.

As I sink I settle into this feeling more. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe this is what I deserve. Maybe my best will never be enough. The ocean reassures me that if I’m going to suffocate, it might as well be of my own doing.

Maybe this is a new rock bottom I’m approaching. I swam my way back outta this once before. This time I gotta support myself. At least the pad has never left my side. Even when our relationship gets hard.

God reassured me I’d be okay. And that’s allowed me to check for everyone else. But I’ve been made disposable. So I’ll keep me for me. There’s one person that checks for me out here. Otherwise no one deserves what I’m putting out. Or I’ll keep drowning

Emotional highs.
The come down is steepening.
Mastering within the lows,
So the highs taste that much much sweeter.
I crash harder now that a few screws hang looser.
My past whispers to me 
keeping me in a chase of duck duck goose.
Grey clouds, downing bottles of toxicity.
Going through more change recently 
Than laundry machinery. 
Still spinning in the same cycles though,
Running away and staying the same.
My mental decline is the only defining factor of summer days.
Just wanna give back to the nature that’s participating in healing me.
And the person who contributed to me living my most free.

Hi.

Song of the Post Doo Wop : That Thing just sit and listen to the lyrics.

These are the nights I let the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill play in the background. I let the soundtrack of my childhood take me back to a purer place. Before the words struck so deep a chord in my spirit. Before Doo Wop could sway my soul. I use to let Ex Factor take control before I even had a hint of what pain the lyrics could hold. The soundtracks of my youth hold such special places in my heart.

These are the nights I rely on Tyler The Creators Tiny Desk. I reflect on the last time I felt this low. Back when the words to Bastard and Pigs Fly defied my defiance. My trouble ways. My almost detrimental mistakes. But I also think of my Novembers. The highs that came after 2016. The better times that Flower Boy met me in.

These are the nights I let Smino’s Lee & Lovie remind me of what it is my heart calls for. It reminds me of my 2022. It reminds me of her. Of YOU. Someone for sure thats been on my mind Modennaminute. A rare soul.

These are the nights I let Daniel Caesar ask me “Are You Okay?” I sit unresponsive. I set pensively until I can with a response that reflects the Best Part of my day. Intentionally being positive. Intentional focusing on the good. Maybe Freudian slipping an instance of pain along the way. I’m nowhere near perfect.

These are the nights I’m thanking for scholarship interviews. And scholarship money. And buying new dress shoes and Mya calling me a Big Stepper. I’m just a flawed man battling with Father Time. Working on overcoming my Fear. It’s Now or Never to let this Black Boy Fly.

These are the nights I let Frank and Mr. Benjamin guide me through my loneliness. Just me on my Solo dolo. Missing the Pink Matter secretly, but also sharing sentiments with Ms. Jackson second verse. Wishing Godspeed to my demons because God’s the one supporting me through the battle. And Ky, she deserves her flowers.

These are the nights I feel the culmination of my depression and let music heal me. Let it strip me down and destroy me. Let the lyrics sit. Let it All Fall Down.

Shout out to tougher lessons but also shout out to the outcomes that will be worth the growth. I love y’all. Be good. Reach out if you need a person to speak to.

Speeding through the lows.
Running away from what really matters.
It sometimes just seems easier to pick up the pieces after than to face it 
So I let shit shatter.
I’m tryna do better. 
Better than the me of yesterday. 
How much longer do I plan to jog in one place?
One step at a time because I have to move past my worsening ways.
Maybe my time is borrowed and this is my one chance to get it right.
Underhanded deals with the Reaper to just give me one more night.
Underhanded lobs hoping someone can alley-oop my happiness.
Using my past to predict what may come after this. 
The moment becomes harder to exist in.
Words sting more than jellyfish venom
Venomous words spray,
better duck before the strays do you damage.
No matter the message. 
It’s sometimes hard to see past a hardened heart.
I’m just trying my best to,
Be the best me and invest in the things that truly do matter. 
Thanks to the most High and My. 
And any other things that teach me the toughest of lessons.

“Tell me who i have to be
To get some reciprocity” 
This black love had strengthened its grip on me.
When black clouds weighed me down,
This Black girl’s smile could lift me from my worsened tendencies.
Tell me who I have to be. 
to experience black boy joy in its Entirety.
Black skin furthered melanated by the summer days.
Black thought level complexities. 
Black’s my favourite colour and you wear it so comfortably.
C’mon Black girl lemme praise you to infinity.
You rock me to my core. 
My heart has blackened and calloused over time. 
Black Habits are what are defining me.

When your skin leaves mine I be having withdrawals.
Your brown skin drips so sweet its like I’m caught in your Ebony Falls.
Sparkle your eye’s Ivory like Herbie Hancock,
And serve you like I’m Ebony Maww.
No Salieri Shit,I wanna be knee deep, explore the sin of your Ebony thoughts.
I wanna learn your Roots, I’m in awe how i get lost all up in your Ebony Art.
It’s like every time you speak, my heart tweaks to the song of your Ebony drawl.  Sunkissed bliss it’s like you’ve been touched by the Ebony Gods.
Sweet Ebony Jesus. 
Save me a piece of your Ebony Heart. 
Stuck to you, Miles Morales, I know it’s a part of you Ebony Power.
A spell so strong, drenched in the aroma of your Ebony Shower.
And that’s on everything Great in the world that makes you the true obsidian gem that you are. 

Hello 2023.

Care to send more blessings my way? In any shape? In any form? I’m open!

~t.f.

I will be a cycle breaker. Every negative cycle that i fell victim to, or haunts my family no longer has power over me. I release it. I will intentionally move past worse ways that keep me stuck. I release them. I embrace positivity and will intentionally practice being positive in all spaces.

Today is a new day. I will build myself up. I know my value. I move forward.

Hello pre 2016 David. Nice to meet you here in the valley. You get what you deserve .