Dream Big

She’s really God’s most perfectly crafted creation. I stand firm on that. Every moment i have to breathe her in fills me. She is as close to perfect as it gets. GOD DID. When he decided to make her. I can’t put into words just how beautiful a person she is. Heaven sent. Protected. Guided. I know she’ll be great

Steeping in my worsening ways.
There’s only so many strays my soul can take.
Brewing potions of liquid luck,
To battle the anger that’s deciding to stay.

Maybe some felix felicis could get me what my soul needs.
The pain folded me over, downed on my knees.
12 rounds deep with the demons I greet.
Disposable Dave the only epithet I see.

my value’s decreased.
self confidence is leaving. 
I pray the waves swallow me whole,
to save me the drowning and sinking. 
I use to drown my pain down the pharmacy sink.
2023 i realize it’s all up to me.

She was my sunrise.

As sure of a constant that i knew.

The air that breathed life into me daily.

The force that pushed me through.

My why. My how.

I blossomed like a flower to her sunrise. The light,both ways, she brought me was powerful. It filled me. It showed me a new way to love and respect myself. But now i Frank Ocean “wither” as your light withdraws from my life.

An old friend saw us together last night and was super excited at the prospect of us still being together. This morning that broke me. Because oh how i wish it were true. Oh what you mean to me, is what i wish i could mean to you.

Because you are as constant to my life as the cycles i go thorugh.

As low as lows get and as highest and my highs.

I forever believe in she and I.

My heart’s hardening.
Growing cold to the world that’s tearing it.
Going sleeveless so I no longer have to wear this shit.
Hear me out. 

You are the wave that destroys. You are the wave that brings newness to me.

I sway in your wake. I float with the ripples of your emotions.

Pushing… me away.

Pulling… my back in and getting me to stay.

Your presence is tidal in size. I drown in your power.

I lose myself.

I look out to the horizon and all i see is the ocean i feel trapped in.

But this ocean also gives me life. And i dont mind. I wanted to be here for eternity. But now the storm clouds roll overhead. your destructiveness rises with your anger. Maybe drowning me is a part of your intention.

Maybe being alone and lost at sea is what i deserve.

Maybe i’ll find myself again. When i wash up on shore torn and battered and beaten.

Maybe i’ll rise up and find a sense of purpose outside of that ocean i once needed. Maybe .

I hope to carry you with me forever. I in all i do.

Dear ocean i love you.

Wow ou Wow.

This summer has been one hectic, destructive, tumultuous space for me.

I’ve rarely found and moments of true peace or happiness. I’ve barely found space for anything.

97.32% of the forces moving through my personal space seem to be set out for destruction. I’ve taken beatings and my soul is tired.

Every couple days I cry out for help. For better. But it falls on deaf ears.

Its fucking tiring.

All in all everything I’ve allowed myself to be put through this summer now has my insecurities resurfacing. Well it’s more like I’m sinking deeper into them as the darkness consumes me. My “light”, both ways, has left me stranded to find a way out on my own.

The self doubt is coming crash in.

Maybe God will bless me with some destructive interference this last week of my summer in Bermuda. Maybe these two grand, overwhelming, forces will cancel each other out.

Mr Clay told me “true friends will always build you up. They’d never put you in a worse place.” Maybe those words need to be tattooed on my heart and spirit…

I’ve had to be patient.
Having to keep at it until i figure out my place in this.
All while working to master where my purpose’s placement is.
Summertime sped me up to an uncomfortable pace.

I needed to slow down.
The words that i write, can’t make things right that’s something i know now.
Every day i gain perspective,
My demons and I stand at a showdown. 
They probably have the upper hand,
they whisper to me that i’d be better below ground.

In every poem I jot I search for her in the pages. 
I search for healing to greet me with special hand shakes.
so that the ink bleeds into the pad and better days find me again.
I’m just trying to backpedal from my wits end.

I need some release 😫

I guess he’s an Xbox and I’m just a deck of cards…

Or whatever Ceelo Green said in ‘F*ck You‘

This summer heat is ridiculous. But at least I sweat away the pain. And by the time my day’s over there’s no more liquid left for me to cry.

Someone bless me with some air conditioner please.