I apologize for harsh reactions and harder words.
I apologize for my expectations being unrealistic. For asking to be put first when really everyone should put themselves first. Me included.
I apologize for being a creep.
I apologize for my shortcomings as a man.
I apologize for being a terrible nephew, son, friend, partner.
I know loving me can’t be easy. I barely know how to do it myself most days.
Stay up.
This is a love that lights the night sky.
It slows time.
Cause every moment with you feels like a lifetime.
If i only had one more chance to get this right
You best believe i’d bend my knee before you blinked your eye
Communicate your pain with me.
Set boundaries in love and healing to make the journey easier.
The weight on your shoulders is unbearable at times.
A girl as beautiful as you shouldn’t carry such a troubled mind alone.
Communicate your pain with me.
Let me make it easier by executing on all the simpler things.
Like feeding your body and soul.
Or turning off the closet light because you’re too tire to get up, it shows.
Or steaming your clothes.
I would brush your teeth if I could and shower your body like butta drop that glitters with gold.
I love you deep the bone,
I hope my actions let it be seen and make it known.
But I know my words are my best chance at communicating my goals.
I’d get down on my knee again at anytime this I know.
Communicate your pain with me.
I close one ear off to the world to make sure your every word sits deep in my chakra.
I align my energy to serving you with purpose.
To putting the work in.
To taking time to learn all the ways I can best work with you.
Communicate your pain with me.
The way I choose to love you isn’t for gains.
This world isn’t always kind to its most precious of Angels.
You’re God’s finest, I see his work from the most subtle of angles.
You got a hold on me like Kurt Angle 🙃.
I don’t mind doing deep dives into Kaiadas to save this.
To take the word to our demons and put them mfs in their places.
To match your pacing in life.
To speed you up when it’s right.
To slow you down when the rush and the panic needs quiet.
Communicate your light with me.
You’re my light you see.
As much as your battle is mines too,
I too wanna share in all the righteous things.
The moments your spirit starts lightening.
And you feel light enough to breathe.
When the world lets you know that you’re right where you’re meant to be.
This love, your essence was Heaven sent, intentionally.
All the pain I’m going through is well deserved. I’m the villain in this story arc. I can only work to better myself. And forgive myself.
It all leads no where. Time to Disappear to the mountains of Nepal or something. Thats the only place i truly belong. Far away from the world that will never accept me.
Riding around in circles. Eating the breadcrumbs of the trail that just leads me back to my self destruction. I’m alone. The road leads no where but to the waste bin I’m trying to climb out of.
Stay down.
Give up.
Listening to the whisphers of my past.
Trying to silence them for the silent cues of my future.
Theres gotta be something healthier in God’s way
Than the ways of the fewture.
There has to be solace in the journey ?
The weight of the world is enough to bury.
But the light in her eyes, gives me a calling to strive towards better endings.
on my hyakkimaru with the fragments of my soul i need to patch
Learning to thrive in the alternative passages
Mastering the middle ground so the highs come with a better messaging
Realigning myself with the stars that have kept my darkests cries since i threw my passion out to the trash bin
Peace shouldnt be so tortorous to attain
Why is the cost so high? Is this the game?
Am i the player with the main conteoller or am i getting played?
Meet me in my dreams.
I’ll craft you the life of our wildest imaginations. Maybe i’ll be right for you. Maybe life will be kind. We could escape the heaviest weights of this troubled life.
I look forward to my sleep because that’s the time I feel you’re maybe physically with me.
So once again I say meet me in my dreams.
And save me from the nightmares.
A person like you is quite rare.
Life is strange and weird.
A day where you’re no longer the girl in (of) my dream is my biggest fear…
My soul is tired.
From chasing my soul tie aimlessly.
Why life keeps playing all these games with me.
My efforts go under-appreciated and unseen.
You ever lived ya life wandering nothing but one-way streets?
Hoping that one day they’d see your wants and needs.
And stop ignoring your humanity.
I don’t understand why so few see the value of the man in me.
I’m working on finding value in myself where few others do. And finding ways to satiate my wants because …
The seasonal change is about to bring a new chapter to me.
My spirit is calming. Summer 2023 splintered my soul. I only say splintered because I caught myself right before it broke. Right before it was too much to handle.
I was living like my phone i’m ngl. If you know me know me. You would know my phone stays below 30%. And 8/10 you look at it… my battery will probably be red.
That was me… on red… but now I welcome the red. There’s warmth peaking through the coldness. The storm is breaking. All the pieces of my soul that were ready to crumble are healing like a scabbing wound. The red’s not that bad. The weather inside me is settling. My sea’s aren’t as full of rage. They’ve stopped churning and now i enjoy the ebbs and flows of my tidal range. The red feels doable. And as the leaves will start to redden around me. I feel as though my reds will soon turn green.
I would always say writing was the bests solvent. In every poem i write or post i share there’s a chance a part of me is healing. There’s a piece of acknowledgement writing gives to my struggle. There’s a piece of pain i release…
That’s why i’ve been active. I’ve needed this avenue of release more than i have since 2013.
The reunion between me and the depressive ways of 18 year old me was obviously not a welcome piece of my summer. But i view the growth i’ve gotten from this period as the most valuable lesson i could’ve learned.
Now i work to only heal not only my present self, but heal the younger me that ran away, that hid, that went unheard. I unpack the rucksack of my damage and release all excess baggage. I find blessings within the curse. I pray goodbyes to some of the most mangled pieces of the me that wander the labyrinth of my troubled mind.
My previous season was red. Red flags… Low batteries… Anger. Everything that screams STOP!
In particular I had fallen into a pattern of unhealthy comparison. And maybe that was the most natural path for my then lethargic existence. Maybe thats what my tired soul was dragging towards based on what was going on in my life. The easier way out was to self destruct.
I was scared at how disposable I was being made to feel. Distraught at how much self worth I was losing over the situations that were beating me down. I was tortured…
Not only by 3am becoming my most productive hours again. But by nightmares and panic attacks and breakdowns that I had either never went through before, or I hadn’t known past repressed memories.
I was also torturing myself.
I would sit and wonder what I was doing wrong. What was wrong with me? Why I even believed I was worth what I was telling myself I deserved.
All the feelings that the scared, lonely, weird, little boy i was growing up use to feel. All the feelings that being at the bottom of the social ladder all my life brought me. All the feelings I guess I never truly overcame.
And when they came back they came with vengeance like Kendrick’s entrance on the Heart Part 2.
One of the main reasons I stay off most Social media is because a part of me always knew that my younger self was still damaged and hiding. And I need the space to being okay with being me. Without what the apps do to my mental space.
Unfortunately, Summer 23 gave me little choice but to sit with the negative feelings of being “ Less than” anyway.
I found my demons would be Whispering all the negative thoughts that I never got to escape.
I always “just kept swimming”. I ran… I hid…
All throughout my 20s. I hid from my insecurities. I hid from God. I hid from my ambition. I hid in hopes my mediocre ways could outshine the me I was trying to forget. But then that damaged me made a 2016 Cleveland Cavs comeback.
This following image is one of the milder notes in my phone from summer.. and as raw as I’ll get with it..
I’ll let the reader fill in the blanks with what they think came next.. but just know it got progressively WAY worse the more i slid down the rabbit hole of self-Hatred.
So now… a month and a half on from that particular note am I doing better?
I’d like to think so. The comparison has died down.
I still feel alone and abandoned. More lonely than maybe I’ve ever felt. But it’s a feeling I’m allowing to drive my new found desire to get closer to a better version of me. Closer to a version that loves David Simmons in his entirety.
A version where none of me has to hide away. None of my previous chapters need to be redacted so that 28 year old me FEELS like I’m okay.
And tbh. Some days I’m not.
So I write. And I stay up as late as my mind tortures me. And when I do find solace, I still toss and turn the night away. And wake up in nightmare induced sweats. And I listlessly drift through everyday life. And my only interactions are WhatsApp messages, Good Morning to bus drivers, and hazy-minded lecture participation.
And the weight on my shoulders feels like something I’m not apt to handle.
But at least the comparison has stopped… Cause that shit will do nothing but eat me alive. And My shit is looking like its on its way to being put back together.
I’ve mentioned Hyakkimaru a good three times this week but hear me out. Something about a young man regaining stolen parts of his body by slaying demons seems fitting for me.. at this moment.. NOW. Today.
Maybe October and “spooky season” will bring a Dororo rewatch.
Once again. At least the comparison has stopped. And i champion myself for that because thats a huge fucking win. And a big step into finding myself again.
As I stood at the precipice of my downfall into the grand canyon of my depression I reached out to grab whatever parapet I could find. Fully expecting nothing to be there and for my fall to be long and harsh and bruising to my already battered essence.
And maybe by no strength of my own.. Be it big ‘G’ God … or my desire to hold strong for the one I love most in this world… I managed to grasp on to the strongest barrier of comfort I’d ever felt in my life.
The most reassuring feeling that I was strong enough to get through took over me when I was at my lowest. Something shifted in my cells. My atoms vibrated at a frequency my earthly mind couldnt comprehend. Even this very moment, writing about it I just don’t understand why God chose to comfort me, one of the fallen ones.
But more or less i felt an angelic hand was placed on my shoulder. And not metaphorically either…. I actually felt/ imagined that there was a hand in my shoulder while standing at black bay. And things in my spirit grew stronger.
And I called upon the me’s that were happy… 2016/17 me… Spring Sushi me.. even NYC trip me.
I called them to the surface and asked for their help to comfort the little, hurting, damaged boy that we were falling into again.
And we work on it. Daily…
bit by bit. Centimeter by centimeter. Statement by statement. Post by post.
Even in my shortcomings and days where I depression nap my afternoon away. There’s still some beauty to be found in this part of my journey.
There’s still no pressure to be healed right now, Today.
And i find gratitude that each day is a clean slate. Raleigh taught me that…
Each day i have a chance to reach past whatever held me down the days before. So i’m reaching.
And with every handful of life I catch in my reach… i reflect on whatever cards the universe grants me in this grand ole’ toxic ass game on Uno we call life.
As i look at the cards in my hand today… i’m excited…My grandmother Corliss always told me “play to win” …
So like Yugi i trust in the heart of the cards. And think about how i’ll start to play them….
Now this my friends. Is where the fun begins….
p.s:
Insomnia just comes with the pain, why cant you embrace it?
The nightmares will continue to plague you, just be okay with the taste of ‘em.
You just gotta remember that you’re still finding a place in this.
Empty out your expectations, and be okay with living in the “break” in the margin of the ‘make or break’ of shit
It gets easier. The winds of turbulence that troubled your summer… will turn into the winds of Grace that sail you into the beautiful blue skies of a healthier you.
MKBS:
Aligning with the best spiritual guide.
I hope to bring her along as I start thriving.
The pleasure of discovering the soul behind the mind.
And doing it all on our own timing.
The cliche of being one of a kind is well defining.
When it comes to you it’s true.
I want to paint the world with every light and colour i find shining through you.
If anyone can, it’s you who can make it through.
My love.
Look at me.
Playing tailor, like my sprit’s tailored to sewing you back together seam by seam.
Trying to catch a glimpse of your light before the darkness embraces me.
Trying un-rupture the soul that is a twin flame to me.
Trying to be as strong as I can be as I manage this.
The first fissure I felt was back when I was six.
And the cops knocking at the door were met by my fathers calloused fists.
I gave you the key to my betterness!
And I still hope you will put in the time to make sure it fits.
My oldest demon’s revisiting me like our parted ways were secretly the same ass trip.
Lemme take a peak into your erised.
My heart and pen leak in tandem like I was made for this.
Deep enough to bounce back from collapses at the volcano’s tip.
I erupted from the destruction that came from this.
Holding on to my happy was like passing up two levels with a scaffolder’s grip.
The fewture I was molding was folding in.
Probably from all the sin I’ve been indulging in.
So I lay myself out at God’s throne again.
I learn my lessons from the harsher messages.
Maybe I too can rise up from the ashes.
Dream Big 