Dream Big

I have no tears left.
Just like i have no will to try.
give me one last… life saving cry.
the breath of life.

one moment of solace from my tortured mind.
time outside.
im earl sweatshirt in 2015 but i wanna be earl at 29.

try a little tenderness. 
My soul’s been tenderized by some words of malice. 
My heart drained drip by drip.
that slow and painful, loosening grip.
the bottomless pit.
the endless abyss. 
This is my heartbreak’s anonymous.
but i’m still sipping bottles i come with.
my pain is consuming my conscious. 
I’m too low to funtion.
im assuming it’s gonna be from deans list …
to kanye in 04 that way im moving through this.
my numbered days have been counted. 

i think my book may be finishing. 
My light diminishing.
like near’s making plans to bring me nearer to the plot line thickening.
i hear the clock hands slow as time slows from ticking.
i went from thicket diving, to losing myself
up in the thick of this.
1:37 freestyling, 
i hope my pen leaves a piece of my better parts behind.
and maybe my talent doesnt go completely wasted.
the end of the road.
i swallow the ink just so i remember the taste of it.
the way the pad played therapist.
since 2006.
since 13
maybe earlier too 
but the pad my truest of boos.
ill miss u

Yo !???

Can y’all ease me up just a tiny bit?

Why is my karma this heavy?

Why is my pain so continuous?

The demons are kicking my ass at this point.

They’re jumping though.

At least give me a fighting chance.

I know Lord, i know that you said i was strong enough for this. But i dont believe i am anymore. Today was my last straw. My last moment.

My last…

The toll price may be heavier than my soul can handle.
I lose light every night, my mind’s fighting all these endless battles.
Is this what it is like burning the midnight oil with no wick in my candle?

Staring into a bowl of indomie is the only introspection i know m.
My spirit’s glow is dimming as my coldness starts to grow. 

How do you pick yourself up and put yourself down in the same sentences?
Its because i’ve been shown that’s the way David deserves, it’s my karmic life sentencing

Getting laughed at may be the soundtrack to my october. It’s the moment in my life my mind tortures me with by replaying it over and over and over. It haunts my nightmares, it haunts my woken mind. The healing work to leave this behind, will leave my heart colder.

How can I forgive the unforgivable? How can I learn to reaccept myself?

I know everything is my karma. I don’t quite know what evil I put out that would bring me karma this strong though.. maybe being c*****?

The soundtrack to my fall will be lovesongs and heartbreaks. Everybody plays the fool on repeat. Because why is this one action the one thats defeating me?

I’m lesser.

Alone and Abandoned.
My soul took on damage,
So i don’t know who I am.

Alone and Abandoned.
my mind’s off the planet,
I call out for it to come back,
but he doesn’t know who i am.

Alone and Abandoned.
my spirit cannot manage.
the constant dance with the devil,
the demons for sure know who i am.

Someone alone and abandoned.
An easy target for bending, 
they keep me stuck in this rut 
of wishing i could be just like them.

They’re feel alone and abandoned.
hurt souls hurt souls too.
that’s the found messaging. 
That’s the reasoning they laugh in your face,
and their worst is still better than. 

so stay alone and abandoned.
and build yourself up from this shredding.
and find worth in yourself,
because you’re disposable to everyone.
you deserve all the sleepless nights, 
and panicked emotions, 
and the whispers of death,
and positive words getting stuck in your throat again,
and the tears and the tears, 
cries when you hardly can breathe, 
and for there to feel there’s no way out,
because this is David’s karma you see.
you creep….

Sometimes i found myself wishing i was him.

That’s the rabbit hole i lost myself spiraling down.

Too caught in the moment to look within.

And find my worth because i felt my time was up.

I lost all comfort in my skin.

Gave of myself until my spirit shredded.

Maybe it’s natural when somebody else comes along and does it better with no effort.

The summer spiral had my mind hectic.

When I was wishing i was him.

I tore myself down at every moment.

My self hatred was potent.

How could anyone love me when I lost myself to destructive motives.

Then I wished someone would see me.

And show my value in my existence.

That didn’t come either.

So back i spiraled down in the trash tendencies i was wishin.

Soul splittin.

Mind ruptured.

I packed my self/love up in the cupboard.

I let it sit collecting dusts.

Wanting to be wanted with carnal lust.

Or to be wanted in any way.

Connecting the things i packed away back to my self believe that gone astray.

I step into this next month…

Finding it hard to be me.

To break away from ‘worthless’

To no longer convince myself i was worth-less.

Kk

Comment how you practice self love. Or how you bring yourself out of self hating practices? And what saves you?

I deserved all the pain I received.
I took all of the rotten seeds.
I made sure to plant your garden anew.
Not realizing all along the rotten seeds were causing me to rot through.
Through and through I found myself underneath the bottom of dirty shoes.
Stomped out and bled thin,
until my darkness and pain, heartbreak, and self-hate were all that my heart knew.
My best days, were still less appealing than the worse pains and ways that were uncouth.
Someone should’ve told me my heart couldn’t take a shattering this bad,
then still be put back together again with only scotch tape and hot glue.
Dutty Dispose, the epithet because summer told me take my happy and my dreams with me and just throw them in the dump too.
Too many days I spend with nightmares again and life blues.
3am my best friend now I know I’m not like you.
I’m the bottom of the social ladder,
so getting laughed at takes me back to the little boy that ran from healing, who…
Who shakes my hand right where stand and says we’re moving on anybody else care to roll shru?