people really are nasty, cruel, self-centered, vile beings out here. people will be quick to try and destroy you even when you do nothing to them, even if you do everything for them. people will lie to your face daily and use you and squeeze you dry and then wonder why you have to try and go get some water afterwards. people will always take everything they can. even if it was you last breath. why do people have to be some destructive and shitty, and horrible? is it because they hate themselves so they need you to hate yourself too? oh well my will is goneeeeeeeeee. So yeah…… Goodbye y’all.
and really David I’m sorry you haven’t had the chance to feel like enough yet in your 28 years. but maybe 29 will be better for you? so stay some sort of hopeful.
try.
it always sucks to be you ik.
nothing ever feels good about being David.
you’re weird, unlikeable, strange, worthless, can’t make one new friend. one valuable connection. hey.
survive this.
if you can
~these and many more are the thoughts that consume me nightly.
Walking the well worn lane.
The dead ending road of self hatred, loneliness and shame.
Only you hold the oxygen that could ease my chest's pain.
Spiraling down the four-star drain.
Until somebody came and saved me.
Lahai the soundtrack of 3am blues.
I'm tumbling down the scaffold trash chute.
Emotions flying loose.
My tongue too.
Tbh These are the days I find myself needing you.
No one to turn to.
But also there's no one I rather run to.
I had to lose the biggest part of me.
To see the irony in what i was using to define my self-valuing.
The sadness of Truancy in s2 days,
Was resurfacing in destructive ways.
I'm looking to find better ways to say,
that I refuse to hold in what's been damaging.
Bettering my best.
My troubled ways are worth abandoning.
Abandoned and Alone the adjectives that describe my heart's melody.
At least
Close fist tantrums and spiteful words
are turning into open conversations and patience learned.
guess that means i'm growing up?
my heart waits in turn
When is my moment to receive all I put out?
Or am I the door mat type?
I'm steady torn at night.
3 am brings nothing but harsh realities.
a bitch ass roomate's alarm blaring.
Staring contests with my depression this fucking alarm is all I'm hearing.
My heart and my mind play tug of war my spirit's tearing.
THIS ALRAM TEARS THE ASS I MIGHT SLAP THIS MF.
but i might also lose all i worked for.
Each day I hurt more.
Someone look out for David for once, or am i not worth more?
i guess not.
tired of typing these tired words up on my laptop.
maybe one day someone will answer.
until then its me and my demons 4 am tap dancing.
HOPELESS romancing.
and give up hope of a better life sentence.
why is my karma so heavy?
why is my silence so deafening?
who doesn't wake up by alarms they stay steady setting?
i'll tell you who A mf that next time i catch in the kitchen might catch A FUCKING SLAPPING.
This is as personal and open as I can get. There is still much worst from this week alone. But I hope these dark thoughts let’s someone… anyone know. Just Keep going. We made it this far.
~ Tonight’s Iphone Note.. freshly written… raw… written through teary eyes.
“This pain i carry through my every night… I have not one friend or anyone that i can reach out to when it gets really overwhelming. Time zones suck. So i Walk. And i Suffer. And i Search for any semblance of light. ANd even the moon is hiding behind the clouds.
I have always been a loser. Always been at the bottom. But this is the lowest i’ve ever felt about myself. My best self was still trash. And i know this pain is the karma I’m deserving of.
And having no one to call on at a time like this shows is my journey to carry this alone. Maybe a reminder that i’m just as disposable to the universe as I am to myself.
I wish i could just wake up and want to be me.
But how could i? Every inch of my being hurts . Why is the pain still so heavy.?
Well 28 years of self hate is a lot to carry i guess. I know i’ll never be enough .
Man i lose……
i get it MAN FUCK. IM A LOSER !!!
My karmic stamp is a loser’s life sentencing.
I wish i was all the things i’m not. I wish i could make one friend. I wish i didnt have to be alone.
Lonely …
Suffering by myself…
In a shitty environment…
Like i try to be a decent person man. And i really actually dont where ive fucked up this bad to deserve this much pain..
Like i truly am saying this because i actually dont know.
I write this because there’s no one to call on in these hours No one to pickup when im falling deep.
And thats no ones fault.
But it still sucks to know every night i fall into these overwhelmingly hard times its just me and my darkness
And bad religion by frank
And im writing this through teary eyes and runny noses and heavy chests. because the phone just rings. and i have no one to hear my tears. so they become the only sound i hear in the silence. my heaves of pain become the only presence i feel.
because who can a loser like me turn to/\?
And i actually feel the physical pain of my heartbreak. the heaviness. the collaspe.
i feel every inch of everything i’ll never be.. and all i’ll never have.
and i wonder if Anyone will ever pick up for me again in this times?
if anyone will ever be on the other end of the line when i need it most. When i fall. when i need a shoulder to cry on. when i need presence? when i need a voice to remind me .. that even if i’m only 99% of all the negativity i think of myself that there is still 1%worth living for.
And rn idk what’s the point in l_v_ng if i hate waking up in the skin i wear. if i hold no love for the soul i carry. if my spirit coldens.
I wouldnt wish this on anyone
So i try my best to carry it well
And smile despite having no smile left for me
And give despite being lower than empty
Trying to drag myself to a gas station to fill up even the tiniest bit.
because most times i operate on 1-2 hours of sleep.
And im stranded in desert of my own making
And a person like me deserves no oasis. No rest
No dance powder…
I dont deserve anyone to pick up in the other side of the line. i don’t deserve effort. or better. or more.
I’ll actually share this one for anyone who ever feels alone.
emailed to myself from the iphone notes app. so i could post this from my laptop..
the songs that broke and saved me as i wrote this..
“Bad Religion – Frank Ocean Tummy Hearts- Renee Rapp Guarding the Gates- Lauryn Hill Snow Angel- Renee Rapp Breaking Point- Leon Thomas III
and the lyric that really sent me over the edge of my fall goes to..
Because i know i deserve nothing. and that reminded me. i had a steep ass painful ass lonely ass fall tonight. i have no one in my darkest hours. it’s life fuck life fuck being me fuck being here .
Can anyone in this bih help me find the light?
The good inside of me?
Does anyone see me as worthy ?
Does anyone care to pour into my cup as it emptys?
Or patch the parts that are leaking?
This is probably the journey that God has planned for me.
Every year on my lonely.
Lost in the ocean, drifting further from my peace.
The hurricane in my spirit growing stronger in category.
Today feels like cat 3.
I pray for calmer seas🙏🏽.
My damages are mines alone to keep.
Nobody is standing beside me.
Shattering my mental to pieces.
Disposability of Dave, is the name of my thesis.
Door mat, the epithet, this game is defeating.
Losing grip of the parapet, the stumble is steepening.
The bumps in the fall remind me I’m just a bum and a creep.
A failure, a sheep.
How could anyone even think to like D?
i am ready to be alone. I’m ready to accept this as destiny.
the damages i keep on my own… keep on damaging me.
Dream Big 