Dream Big

Fill your stanzas with imagery of me.

How could I tell you the words I never had the right to say. 
Words I should carry to the grave. 
Words that encapture this pain .
Without causing any shame.
The permanent hassle in my brain 
The hurt I cant escape 
Nobody cares for ...

Live:
 
Co-write this healing arc with me.
We're both responsible for the pain we carry.
I let my shame blind me from the weight of what my pen molds.
I sat back and watched destruction unfold. 
I'd wear your heartache like a heavy winter coat. 
This is my exodus from the devil's hold.
Send notice to the light that i'm willing to let my dark go. 
Filling the empty hole left from trauma with the love that flows.
I'll never finish learning you thats a secret only my heart knows
I chose life with you, til the end though. 

Laugh:

Dan Millman wrote “Keep a sense of humor, especially about yourself. It is a strength beyond all measure” .

And at this point theres nothing anyone could tell me about myself that I dont already know and that I havent already laughed at. Not taking yourself too seriously can be a superpower at times.

Love:

Shouts out to anyone still attempting to love through the pain. Shouts out to those trying to find peace in heaven's lessons. Sometimes the message is so clearwater beach clear. Cause and effect... 1 +1 =2...   
Other times this shit is water to hit grease. Step away from the flames and come back later or let it all burn down. 
And unfortunately I've been both the popping grease and the water. At times I've shamefully lovefld with too much grace for others and no standard for myself. 
Settled like pond water. But also at times i was carrying the detructive waves of others in my envrionment until they dispersed their hate into me. 
I worked to wash others clean of the wrongdoings they coommitted agaisnt me. Being mallaeble and fitting where I got in. Adapting to any shape I was need to fulfill. Pouring. 
Other times I was the grease ready to explode. Simmering violently under the illusion I might not have been as hurt as I really was. Ready to throw shame on everyone and curse the world. Spewing vemon to attack like the grease bubbles that pop directly to arm flesh. Hoping somehow I'd cause a fire large enough to burn it all down. Using my words to scar. No regard. Emptying. 

Because I let the world teach me to lose lose for myself. Because what was so appealing about someone else's worst that was still more appealing than my best? What was so unlovable about me that I deserved life to hurt me so good? 
What was I lacking that could be found everywhere but here. Why was I not good enough. 

But now I work to be good enough for me and that has to be good enough. 

God Knows my heart
He showed me in the mountains. 
Overflowing in hurt's fountain 
Any reprieve would be welcome.

These days are the loneliest , the emptiest, I'm my most depressed.
I filled myself to the brim with a love that I couldn't keep up with.
Filling the hole you left with a plug that don't fit.
How could I replace your full with these writer's words that don't stitch.
A lover's brew that don't mix.  
You were the apple of my eye but now I'm damaging my iris.

Wishing to trade places, save face and save you from a lifetime of unhappiness with me. 
My damaged seedling bloomed into stunted tree.
Spent 30 long years tryna run from me.
Save me like honey bees.

Too busy defining my manhood through parts of the man that had been stripped from me.
Love was a catalyst to my lonely.
Tried growing from a damaged seed, but the fountain of destruction keeos flowing.
I’d trade the skin that I’m in.

Nothing feels good about who i Am.

Like waves to a seashore 
I'm caught in the movements of your love's grip.
I study you to see more.
Wash me clean through our tug of war.
Like a sunset's sweet kiss on the horizon. 
Like my fingers to typing. 
Some things go hand in hand. 
If only these harsh lessons made me a better man. 
Then I could fill the spot and feel worthy of your love again. 
Until then, I'll bathe in your sweet moonlight.

I'm not a villain. I'm a man enamoured.
Trying to work through the pain that molds your armour.
Protecting you in a safe space. 
Until you love me the same way.
The mirror holds my hate.
Everytime I pass i'm reminded of my darkness.
The hurt that litters my journal pages.
If longing to love you in all ways is wrong,
I'm the joker that Heath played. 
I guess if you look like me, you not a freak.. you're just a freak.
A weirdo thats what the script says. 

Release what the pen holds.
It's like im tethered to the free fall. 
I'm saving my bleak soul.
To keep my downs from deepening.
I've been crawling out of rock bottom recently.
Only God knows what she means to me.

Battered and destroyed by my self abuser. 
I know nightmares hide within every sleepness early morning. 
Scared the night sky might refuse me when the time comes.
"Please dont have fun without me" is an anthem.
The rest is what I run from.

Your smile is the first butterfly in spring.
A reminder that things become warm again .
You love me with a seamstress' patience. 
Threading strings of wholeness through my empty.
Even when scars re-open your tender hands work all the same.
You speak highly of me. 
Matching your tone to the colours my spirit wears that day.
When you speak God finds me. 
I walk taller, knowing your love is the fabric that binds me to happy.