Posted on by thefewturee

Gardener (break time rambles)

I am going to love the one tender flower I see. Everyday i will feed it, water it. Prune its damaged petals so new and fuller ones can grow back . I will point it towards the sun on days it struggles to bloom. I’ll shelter it through every tropical storm. And i’ll remind it everyday how beautiful it is. Alone, unmatched amongst the environment it is growing in. Rare.

I will love that flower until it is ready to love itself. I’ll make sure that it is a healthy and thriving parent plant. So that when all the seedlings that grow from her start to blossom they will know healthy and thriving conditions too. Idk how much a broken down gardener with shabby tools and nothing to offer the world can make much difference. But if i can love and protect just this one flower. And help her grow into the bloom she will become … i will have done a service to this world. I would have loved how God loved me, and how God wants me to love. So i thank him everyday for the chance to wake up and work hard to make sure this flower blooms.

Posted on by thefewturee

Shes the love of my life

And everything that’s right.

My karma is dark and heavy.

I feel my layers shredding.

I feel my heart shattering .

Big up

Posted on by thefewturee

An Alphabet of ways I love You.

Adored and Amazing.
Bright and beautiful.
Calm and courageous.
Dauntless and divine.
ethereal and exciting.
full and FIRE.
gorgeous and gargantuan.
(my) Happiness and Hope.
intelligent and inspiring.
joyful and jaunty.
kindhearted and kissable.
loved and life.
mindful and magical.
nurturing and noble
optimistic and otherworldly.
perfect and pure.
queen and quality.
rare and radiant.
sublime and succulent.
tender and (my) teacher.
unique and unmatched.
vivacious and versatile
wonderful and whole.
x = idfk lol
youthful and yummy. 
zealous and zen .

Posted on by thefewturee

Nobody

Heavy is the heartbreak i wear. 
I look at my creepy spirit in the mirror. 
The more i connect with myself, the more i realize my collapse is drawing nearer.

Self hatred is on the tip of my tongue and i’m trying to swallow it.
My heart is growing kinda cold and pretty hollow-ish.

I didn’t save much love to give back to myself, and nobody else has the capacity for me.
My garden has dried up and emptied. 
There’s nobody to come help me plant my seeds.
The lonely road that i walk wears me out,
and brings my soul to its knees.

You get the picture…

Posted on by thefewturee

Rare

Putting her ahead of me had been the biggest honour of this life. I put her above all else. I honour her before God. I blush at the idea of her. I can’t contain the way her presence in my life makes me feel. I think far ahead all whilst trying to enjoy every moment, every call, every show, every picture, even chuckle. Because her laugh is my happiness. Thats why i try to bring it from her. To cut through the madness the world presents her with. She’s my biggest priority. Her heart, mind , soul & spirit. I love them all tenderly. I try to be empathetic. I try to hold her passionately. I try to speak life into her, and back it up through action. I’d starve so she could eat, slave so she could kick up her feet, die so she could live. I pray her release from bad times. I pray healing and calm and hood over her spirit. I try to love as best as my humanity allows. I big her up in any space. I try to love her hard enough that it drowns out any self doubt so that my voice sings her praises louder than anything that brings her down. So she knows her worth. So she knows her beauty. So she never speaks bad about herself. So she has an example of what she deserves to give to herself. I’ve loved every version of her I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. Life is better with her beside me and i don’t care if she would say the same because I’m proud that I can own that. Proud that i gave my all. Proud that i tried. I tried to put her before me. To elevate her. To bring her closer to God. To listen and learn. To challenge myself to be better…. All so that i could serve her better. I humble myself at any chance I get to be better for her. And I’m sorry for all the things I’m not and all the things i’ve yet to become.

She’s Pure.

She’s Whole.

She’s Rare.

Posted on by thefewturee

9:35

Stand beside me.
Give everything for my happiness. 
I’d do the same effortless.
give me a taste of that blissful kiss.

show me that i’m a prize.
that it’d be a blessing to spend forever by my side. 
That it actually is ride or die.  

show me that im the only choice.
im not just one of the boys.
i’m an eternal type thing. 
That i deserve to be loved rightly.
that im every right thing. 
Oh how i’d love to be wanted and chosen by you.

Posted on by thefewturee

Rainy Night Walks from Work

Counting my blessings.
I can count them on one hand but never doubt the lessons.
Raising both hands to God because I know im just his messenger.
and I ask him one question.
 How do i continue to be the best for her?

As low as i am how do i step into my role as a man?
not trying to be a failure again.

I deserve the heavy karma
The heartbreak 
The drama

I deserve the long nights i have no one to turn to.
i’d bare the brunt of the world if it meant her soul didn’t have to hurt too.
i honour her before you:

theres no parapet to stop the tumble into depression. 
But this time i wear armor i didnt have before.
the drop won’t be as long or as bruising.
walking in the rain to get home from work has my mind spiraling loosely.

Posted on by thefewturee

27.

My biggest insecurities as a man
Are being reflected back in the mirror of the love i receive.
I can pray away the demons but the damage is is lingering.
Like being laughed at took me back to middle school visions of the lonely i sit in.
These days i look at life through teary eyed vision.

Aint it a strange place when the ones you love look at you with estranged faces?
They spew venomous words to dig their fangs into the pain’s placement.
They hang you out to dry alone and then wonder why you end up stuck in the rain daily.
The pain starts to have a choke hold, and the winter cold becomes synonymous with my mission statement.
Heavy mind vs cold and cloudy days in.

Who do you turn to? when your heart is telling you that your losses are where your value lies.
I mean the Big GOD in the sky is never Shy.

People are fickle, and i’ve been loved through the trickle down effect lately.

Never first, I’m always last up and i get what’s left when all the love’s dried up. 

I had to read back, to acknowledge the fact that my hurting heart has been lying to my mind. 
I need to throw out my own life line because nobody is going to come and save me. 
I’ve been carrying this shit dolo anyways. 
My rucksack’s packed to the brim with my sins and my shame…
And there’s no raleigh team to share the weight.

I’ve been close to my lowest lately. And like all phases i know this shall pass soon enough. I feel alone. I feel embarrassed. I feel dumb. I feel like a failure. I feel unwa…

Posted on by thefewturee

Hey hey

Running from my potential.
Reaching for the stencil, 
find myself painting the same old picture.
Never learn the lesson from hearing or listening.
I have to live it.
Too caught up in fear 
and suffocating in my immediate surroundings which means i can’t see past what is near.
Some days i cant even pic out my hair,
from low energy.
Survival mode like everyday,
No kingdom rush though, i can wait for my appointment at heavens gate.
i want to experience her better days. 
I wanna reclaim the passion that’s slipping past my fingers when my mental state’s
declining… spent to many days trying to catch myself with my feet up reclining.
i gotta mold the future i wanna see this time and,
and bring the loml with me.
i’m trying to have a different story to tell this time next year you see.